u/Impossible-Fly-4685

Problem/Goal: Hi, hingi lang ako ng input nyo sa ganitong sitwasyon. Kasi pakiramdam ko mali naman tong nararamdaman ko.

Context:

to start the story napapaisip lang ako kung tama ba yung ganitong nararamdaman ko na mahurt kasi parang wala akong kakampi.

a little background, may naging misunderstanding kami ng tropa ko na naging kaklose ni partner define kaklose eh parang more than bestfriends na ganun. girl si tropa and may partner din sya.

yung mis understanding namin ay ganito may balance ako where kinausap ko kung pwede bang idelay ko nalang muna pag bayad ko pagbalik ko from japan and dahil nashort din ako pag balik so naging installment. pero yung paalam ko na madelay is sinabi ko na harapan sa tropa ko. nag okay naman sya. tapos one day brinig up ng partner ko na na off daw sa sinabi ko. sa end ko bat di nalang sinabi sa akin ng harapan kailangan dumaan pa sa ibang tao. nahurt ako. well nag trigger din ako so inexplain ko lahat bakit naging ganun na nashort ako and lahat ng explanation kung bakit. so nagkahalo halo na nararamdaman ko kasi kamamatay lang ng lola ko nung feb, di pa ko nagiging okay din sa pagkamatay ng nanay ko from 2 years ago.

so after ko mag long message ng explanation ko nag leave nalang ako sa gc namin. saka binayaran ko na rin ng buo yung balance ko. pero ni ha ni ho wala akong natanggap na pangangamusta sa tropa ko.

kinausap ako ng partner ko na iexplain ko daw sa tropa ko yung pinag dadaanan ko para maintindihan nila. si tropa aware na namatayan ako ng loala and alam nyang namatayan din ako ng nanay.

tapos nitong last last week lang lumuwas si partner at natulog dito sa bahay. nabanggit nya na gusto nya daw kitain sila tropa kasi namiss nya na din. syempre ano naman karapatan ko na di sya payagan at mas close sila eh. tinanong nya ko kung paano daw ako. di ko din alam ang isasagot ko. pero at the back of my mind na parang di ko sya kakampi, oo concern lang sya sa friendship namin ni tropa pero para bang wala lang kahit alam nyang nahuhurt ako na sasama sya dun tas di kami okay ni tropa para bang wala lang din yung nararamdaman ko.

pero pakiramdam ko mali pa rin tong nararmdaman ko. masyado lang akong nag iisip.

ayun lang po.

The saddest part of having a mental health “situation” is when we have a trigger or episode and then we blame ourselves for what’s happening. Other people see it as self pity. Then they tell you to pray. Even though you’re praying and listening to praise and worship but it seems like it didn’t work as well.

It’s hard to explain what’s happening to you, especially when you don’t even understand yourself.

🤷🏻‍♀️

I just everything to just end. Bobo ako. Wala na kong nasabing tama at nagawang tama. Lahat ng nasasabi ko at nagagawa ko sa mga tao sa paligid ko mali. I just want this to end. But I am too coward to end my life. Pero nahihirapan na ko.

Gusto ko nang matahimik :(

Since my trigger last 2 weeks ago. I am having visions of hanging myself either in my room or in our living room. The next one is cutting my self and laying down on my bed. Or I just died peacefully on my sleep in my room. I am tired. But this visions I know thay they are just an effect of my overthinking and anxiety. I am just worried, what if this visions are not just visions anymore. That I am not aware, I blacked out and just do any of it. I really feel alone and I feel like no one cares about me anymore.

Sometimes I wonder, what if I really died. I think no one will notice that.

Yung inilayo ko yun sarili ko sa kanila para hindi ako makasakit kasi baka ano pa masabi ko. At hindi maayos takbo ng isip ko. At hindi talaga ako okay. Pero pinipilit pa rin ako na mag explain dahil kesyo nasaktan sila dahil after ko mag long message na humihingi ng pasensya at sinabi ko saloobin ko tapos nag leave ako ng gc. Nahurt daw sila. At kailangan ko mag explain ulit sa kanila.

Samantalang ni hindi manlang nila ako kinamusta sa panahong hindi ako okay.

I wonder kung ako kaya yung nasa position ng kaibigan namin. Pipilitin din kaya ng partner ko na kausapin nila ako. Dahil na hurt ako.🤔

I’ve had a trigger just last week because of my partner told me that our friend was off when I asked if I could pay my balance from our baguio trip in installment because I only have small amount of money for the upcoming japan trip. I asked them in person and they happily said yes and told me that they understand. First I was triggered because they could tell me that they don’t like what I have asked them, second they don’t know the expensed I’ve had from Christmas to new year up until my grandma was hospitalized and passed away just last February.

I know it should be my responsibility to save for it. But I already thought about it since they were my friends I thought it will be okay and I am just here located near them. They could come anytime if anything happens and I was not able to pay. But I am not that kind of person. If I told them I will pay. I will pay my balance.

Because of this trigger. I overthink. I felt pain and all of my thoughts about my partner came out as well. Then since I have no one to talk to I bursted out in soc med and posted a very bad notes about “d**gs” and “s**c*d*”. Whic is I know it’s wrong because it will bother other people. But yet I am too coward to do it as well.

When my partner saw it. She said that why did I posted stuff like that. It will not help and it will just make other people worry especially to those old ones. It doesn’t mean that when things don’t go in my terms I always post things like that. I don’t need to always do self pity in times like this. but it wasn’t like that. I just felt a little betrayed on what my friend did. On my end if they didn’t like what I asked for then tell it yo me. At this point it feels like I have no body to talk with how I feel. And at this point I felt alone.

I removed my notes and deleted the soc med apps. And there I felt like I wanted to tell someone my pain, but I have no one to talk to. My mind is so loud that I don’t know how to handle it any more.

Btw my friend and my partner are so close like they were more like partners than me. They know more about each other than me. They were like sisters.

And that was fine with me.

About my pain on my partner, i kept silent whenever I was ignored when there are things I wanted to tell her. Like randomly. She kept on holding her phone chatting. Sometimes smiling. Like it was more interesting than my stories. Whenever I ask her to join us even on a simple lunch with my grandma she refuses. It feels like she didn’t even want to be part of my family. Which is for me is I was trying to build her up to my family and I wanted her to be part of it I want my grandma and family to meet her. Just to add up, we are on our upcoming 3rd year anniversary and yet we are not legal on her parents yet. Which is understandable that she is not out with her parents. She is already 31. I envy her brother’s girlfriend that they could go and join family gatherings anytime.

I just don’t know any more.

I don’t know myself anymore. I don’t know why I even exist.