u/ImpossiblePapaya769

My mum is a widow (my dad passed 3 years ago), I speak to her everyday day and see her every 2 weeks at most. We live 1 hr 30 from one another.

I didn't feel well today so I said to my mum i don't know if i'll be able to meet on Monday and she went on about how she's always on her own and how I could see her a bit more and most daughters are always with their mums and how I've changed since i've got my partner.

I told her I am busy, I run a business, i have friends and i love her all can be true at the same time - she said there's no fluidity to the relationship - often when i ask her to do something or say i'll come over she is busy! and when i see her it feels like a massive favour!

I have a brother and she doesn't say these things to him because she says they have a different relationship.

I (30F) have been with my boyfriend (31M) for two years. We have discussed getting engaged this year. For the duration of our relationship, we’ve been sober homebodies with a very quiet lifestyle. Recently, however, his personality has shifted in a way that feels calculated and bizarre.

This week, I mentioned that my dream is to eventually have a home with a big green garden on a sunny day. He told me my "worldview is messed up" for wanting that, and then he literally ran out of the flat and disappeared for 2.5 hours without a word - he said he was going for a run and later when he returned said he was trying to meet up with a friend for a coffee.

Since then, everything I say is treated like a clinical "symptom." If I want to be included in plans, he tells me I have "trauma about being left out."- he made up that we had to go out after 2pm on the weekend because he didn't want to rush yet spent the morning on the phone to his friends and trying to meet up with them all whilst i'm at home waiting for 2pm. He says to me well you can go out too for a walk?

After two years of us being a team, he’s suddenly "running" to meet friends 1-on-1. He spends hours on the phone gossiping about his mates, talking about "cornering" one friend to judge his life choices (traveling).

We were also meant to go away for my birthday and i brought it up and he said 'oh my godddd' and said we will we will - my birthday was a few months ago... I think he has money troubles tbh.

In between these cold spells, he "creeps" around being sweet. He uses cute nicknames like tells me he loves me, and acts like the "best friend" version of himself to reset the vibe. He has also started telling me I "shouldn't rely on my mum anymore" because "he’s got me now."

My mum is deeply concerned. I feel like I’m bracing for a "bomb" every weekend, waiting for him to announce he’s leaving me alone to go out with the boys after he’s spent the week making me feel small.

I wanted a marriage that felt like a sanctuary, but I feel like I’m being gaslit into thinking my normal desires (like a garden or a birthday trip) are "intense" or "messed up."

When I tried to talk to him he got annoyed and said 'i always do this'...

How do I cope if he suddenly springs it on me he's going out with his friends all weekend?