u/Impossible_Crow246

I (19F) broke up with my ex (21M) almost a year ago. We fell out pretty badly. I won’t go into what happened back then because the issues at present feel more complicated.

After our breakup in June 2025, we were on and off no contact. The periods got longer each time: a few weeks, a month, three months and now four months of no contact.

Every time I was the one who reached out to fix things but all he seemed to care about was his own image. He wanted forgiveness without actually doing anything. He constantly tried to convince me that I was “holding a grudge” over why we broke up and that I was “the problem.”

Each time I broke no contact, I left the conversation feeling exhausted and confused. He guilt tripped me a lot into going back to him. The only thing I knew for sure was that it wasn’t supposed to be like this. I felt like he needed to take proper accountability for us to get back together. That was all I wanted. I wanted us to work so badly that I kept going back and trying to make him understand that he needed to step up and take responsibility.

Up until December 2025, the last time I broke no contact, I was at a breaking point. I had been feeling extreme guilt for things I didn’t even do. This time he finally apologized properly but only after I directly told him to.

I know this might sound one-sided, but every time we talked again he made huge promises. He talked about how much he missed me and wanted me back. But the way he handled the situation never aligned with what I needed. I wanted repair and accountability. He just wanted to move past everything without actually fixing it.

This time too he said all the right things and showed up well for maybe two weeks.

Around mid January 2026, he completely pulled away. He stopped calling and started replying once a day. He was vague about what was going on with him so I had no idea what was happening and honestly still don’t.

The difference this time was that I had communicated exactly how I wanted him to show up and he had promised he would lead and do better. So instead of chasing him like before I sat back and observed his actions. He has a tendency to emotionally shut down or disappear unless I constantly probe him to open up. But this time I gave him the same energy he was giving me. I stopped spamming texts and responded coldly, just like he was doing.

This went on for about two weeks. He basically ghosted me. He would reply only once a day even though I knew he had time to text in between. Yes, he was busier than usual but I don’t think it’s that hard to send a simple “Sorry I’m really busy” text.

Those two weeks destroyed me emotionally. I couldn’t understand the contradiction between what he was saying and what he was doing. The only vague detail I knew was that he was supposed to be free starting February 2nd, so I even waited two extra days after that. Still nothing.

I cried every day and got into a really bad emotional state. Eventually I snapped, said some awful things to him and blocked him.

Now here’s what I actually need advice on:

After I blocked him I initially felt relieved and free. But lately I’ve been struggling badly with replaying everything in my head and obsessing over the contradiction between his words and actions.

I keep wondering why someone would make huge promises ask for another chance and then emotionally withdraw again so quickly. My brain keeps searching for closure and clarity.

For people who have experienced something similar how did you stop the mental loop and move forward without needing answers from the other person?

Do I unblock him and ask why? Would it help?

I (19F) am in a trio friendship with N (21F) and S (20F). S is not involved in this situation.

About a week ago, N invited me over to drink with her, her boyfriend (let’s call him F) and his friend on the rooftop of her building. I agreed to go because I thought I wouldn’t stay long since I wasn’t drinking.

Usually when they drink the atmosphere is loud and fun but that day the vibes felt very off from the moment I sat down. Everyone was quiet and tense. I kept asking N what was wrong and she laughed it off saying they had just started drinking and weren’t drunk yet.

A little later, she casually announced that she and F had broken up. I wasn’t shocked because they break up and get back together constantly as they're in an extremely toxic relationship.

So as time passed, they started throwing subtle jabs at each other which then quickly escalated into a serious argument. The turning point was when N played a voice message F had sent her earlier. It was extremely nasty he was cussing her out with words I can barely imagine saying to another person. Honestly, I wasn’t even surprised hearing all that because their relationship has been toxic for years and I’ve become desensitized to it.

After that things completely blew up. They both started screaming horrible things at each other. At one point, F spat on N.

I had been looking down because I was already overwhelmed, but when I heard it and looked up N immediately showed me that he had spat at her. And that genuinely shocked me. My brain kind of shut down after that, and I couldn’t properly process what was happening.

I tried calming things down and repeatedly told N to leave with me. I nudged her, tried taking the drink away from her and told her she shouldn’t stay there anymore. She brushed me off every single time. And to note that they were also getting somewhat physical with each other.

Part of me got really triggered during their fight though I don’t fully understand why. The only comparison I can make is that if my parents fought this badly I'd start crying. But here, instead of crying, my mind just completely shut down. My mind was completely blank.

Eventually, after trying multiple times to get her to leave and being ignored I just got up and left because I genuinely could not handle the screaming and verbal abuse anymore. Before leaving I only told F’s friend to make sure they didn’t hit each other.

Now this is where the real issue starts.

N feels humiliated and abandoned because I left abruptly instead of staying with her. About an hour later after she got home she sent me voice messages crying, saying she hates me, that I abandoned her, and that our trio friendship is over.

It has now been over a week and she refuses to talk things out with me. We’ve been friends for almost 8 years, and throughout our friendship we’ve always sat down, communicated, and worked through problems together. But this time she says I hurt her too deeply and that she no longer sees me the same way.

I do think I handled the situation badly. I probably should have communicated more clearly before leaving instead of walking out abruptly. But at the same time, I don’t think I was obligated to stay there after repeatedly trying to get her out of that environment while she refused to leave. I also don’t think it was my responsibility to manage their violent argument.

Right now, all I want is to talk things out and try to repair the friendship but she doesn’t want to communicate at all. I genuinely feel like our decade long friendship might be ending or permanently damaged, and I really want advice on how to save it.

What should I do?