I ended my relationship with an addict “ over fireworks”
My now ex & I were together for almost 5 years. We lived together for about a year & a half. The relationship was amazing in the beginning as they usually are but over time I came to discover that he had a substance abuse issue. I didn’t know until about 2 years in & by then I deeply loved him so I didn’t want to leave him. I thought I could handle it & support him through his recovery. After a pretty awful few months he did eventually get sober & I naively believed it meant it was in the past. Well plot twist it wasn’t. He would be sober for a few months then relapse, we’d have an awful few months then he’d get sober again. He would never go to rehab because he believed he didn’t need to. He would just wake up one day & just decide to stop. He also never went back to the same substance once he stopped. It started with pills then he stopped. Then it was drinking. He stopped. Then it was coke then he stopped.
This most recent time it was 7OH. For whatever reason the 7OH really changed him. He used to be so sweet & kind. He was the most generous & giving person I knew. When he was drunk or high he wasn’t a prince by any means but he wasn’t cruel or malicious &!overall when he was sober he was amazing. When he started the 7OH he became mean. Everything bothered him, he was very erratic. You couldn’t predict what would set him off into a rage or what would make him spiral into a depression. Something as small as a parking ticket could make him unravel. & he was just nasty. When we would fight he would call me vile things & I would cry & he would look at me with disgust. Sometimes he would just leave, others he’d scream that he doesn’t care if I cry. I wanted to leave & we did break up a few times but he would always get sober & promise me he was better. I would make boundaries & stuff & it would be great for a while but it would always get bad again.
This most recent time took a lot out of me. I helped him through withdrawals. I had to clean throw up & get him water & stuff cause he would shake & vomit so much he would be dehydrated. I drove him to work when he crashed his because he was driving while withdrawing. We lived together & I paid everything because all his money went to 7OH. At the time that his problem with the 7OH was discovered I was in school full time & not working. I received unemployment but it wasn’t enough to support us. He agreed to pay a bigger bulk of the bills so I could focus on school. I eventually had to drop out because things got so bad. He had been sober 3 days before relapsing again. At that point I told him I couldn’t do this again & he needed to go to rehab. He said no so I told him to leave. He moved out & back to his parents.
I did what I had to do & the bills were paid. He didn’t go to rehab & there were some rough days but as cold as it sounds it wasn’t my problem. He dealt with it the way he did in the past. He is sober now & in the process of starting therapy etc. He did not move back In because I was firm on not wanting him to return until he was truly sober & in a real program. In the past he never got professional help, he just “ dealt with it” himself. I got a new job as well so on paper things were on an upwards curve. I was hopeful that things would finally get better. But he’s still just rude. During the time he moved back to his moms our anniversary passed & we didn’t celebrate. He’s very quick to get mad still & still very emotional. I understand that’s common after getting clean so I tried to be patient.
Sorry I know that was a lot but I had to explain the background so I don’t sound crazy. A few days ago we were on the phone discussing our plans for this weekend. I asked him if he wanted to do anything for the 4th. He was immediately confused & asked why. I told him his mom was going to a family members house for a BBQ but I knew he wouldn’t like it so I suggested we do something else. He didn’t seem to understand so I said it again. He basically ignored me & went to tell his mom that he doesn’t want to go to the family bbq. When he came back to the phone he said his mom is okay with him not coming but I can go with her. I was frustrated because I specifically asked if he wanted to do something together. He got annoyed & said I didn’t say that. I yet again repeated what I said. He said okay we can do something & asked what I would want to do. I said I just want to watch fireworks. He agreed but got an attitude & ranted about how he doesn’t like holidays & this kinda stuff is stupid. Idk why but in that moment I was just done. So I got an attitude & said that I’ve always loved fireworks. Anything with lights & things of that nature are my favorite activities. I told him after all this time you’d think he’d know that. He said he did know that but that it’s not his thing. I specifically asked if he dislikes fireworks & he said no he likes them it just doesn’t occur to him to seek them out. I got more annoyed & said something along the lines of “ okay but your girlfriend likes them. So why doesn’t it occur to you to do something with me that I would love” this just escalated into us arguing. him saying he has no problem taking me if I wanna go, & me saying I shouldn’t have to ask him to take me to something he knows I would like & will be everywhere around us because of the holiday. & him going out of his way to tell me he thinks it’s dumb to wanna go is just rude. I didn’t want to talk anymore so I hung up.
The next day I kinda thought I would have forgotten about it but I was still really upset. Not about the fireworks but that he doesn’t think to take me. I felt like it’s 1 thing for him to forget about the holiday & not make plans. I’m not angry that he didn’t ask me or something like that. I just think that in this situation me mentioning the 4th & wanting to see the fireworks shouldn’t of received any push back. He shouldn’t have felt the need to say “ I think the holiday & the activities are dumb but yes I’ll take you”. He texted me & said sorry but I ended things. I told him that I loved him but given how much I’ve sacrificed for him these past few months & how much we’ve gone through, the premise of taking me to see fireworks shouldn’t lead to a fight & you calling my interests stupid. He ofc got really upset & said he can’t believe I’m throwing our relationship away “ over fireworks”.
I know the argument was dumb. I know that it would have been much more logical if my breaking point was 1 of the many times he relapsed or when he put me in a position where I had to drop out of school. I can’t explain why all the other things were forgivable but this isn’t. This just feels like a slap in the face. I feel like he has no respect for me. He LIKES FIREWORKS but going with me to see them is dumb & I have to twist your arm? After 5 years? Idk maybe I do sound crazy. If he was mentally not feeling up to it I wouldn’t have cared. But him liking fireworks & knowing I love them but acting like going with me is a hardship just really set me off.
So what do you guys think? Do I just sound ridiculous? Some of my friends think I should have waited till he started therapy & given him more time to fix his problems. I think I gave everything I could & don’t deserve to feel like a burden for wanting to see fireworks. Can someone tell me that I’m not insane? I keep feeling like I’m making it bigger than it is but it feels like it’s over. As I said above we’ve “ broken up” before but we never stopped talking & I still very much felt like I owed him loyalty. Neither of us attempted to move on. I can’t speak for him but I feel single. I want to move forward & put this behind me