u/Impossible_Step7219

Before she was with me she would have tinder hookups and she would suck them off, and because of the fact that it was new and thrilling and with a random guy, she would give them good head with great energy

We’ve been together for almost a year next month. There are times with me where she doesn’t give full energy, she’s not into it all the way, she lays on my stomach all tired while doing it a lot of times.

I’m just having a hard time understanding why she didn’t do that to them but would do it to me

I don’t understand why they could get more effort than me, it’s messing with my self-esteem and the intrusive RJ OCD has been running absolutely rampant. I also have really bad Borderline Personality Disorder which makes it worse. I’ve been dealing with such rage and anger over these thoughts and it’s unbearable.

And it hurts a lot knowing they got more effort because my biggest thing is not feeling enough, feels like I’m not enough for the more effort. Idk what to do, any advice?

I’m in my early 20’s and I got married 6 months ago. Before I got married, I had only had sex one time in my life. I was raised in a Christian home, which I’m incredibly grateful for, and it was pretty strict. As a kids I was sexually abused from the age of 6-11 which made me view sex in a weird light growing up. So I just never had sex except for one time.

On the contrary, before my wife met me, she was sexually active with 11 men. 4 boyfriends, and the rest were tinder hookups.

I love my wife so much. She’s absolutely amazing.

But because of how I grew up viewing sex as disgusting and weird, I have a hard time not viewing my wife as disgusting and weird. I have incredibly intrusive thoughts about her sleeping with other men and it gives me anxiety attacks and causes me to violently weep. It makes me feel so horrible to think about it. And I can’t stop thinking about it…all the time….every day. It is absolutely overwhelming. I feel like nothing we share together is special. Oh and I also have really bad Borderline Personality Disorder.

I don’t know what to do.