Am I Overreacting? (Hi 👋🏼 New Here)
Basically, my boyfriend recently lost his job and is in the process of finding a new one…
Context: We’ve been together for a looooong time now; we know how to push each others buttons, we know how we would like to be supported, we are both human and both make mistakes but we are generally very good at being a well-functioning couple (for the most part) and we love each other very much. I am very much so in love with this man and he makes me very happy, but on the flip side, when we aren’t meshing well together, it fucking hurts.
He is very very blunt. He often says things without thinking about how it will affect me or others and I am close to being the opposite. I am an over-thinker, I will often put other people’s feelings above mine or I at least will hold back when I know what I’m really thinking will probably sting them and it’s just not worth it, ect. I actually look up to him in that way, the fact that most of the time he can just say whatever he is feeling without thinking about it first.
I think we have actually learned a lot from each other over the past couple of years; I can lately be a bit more blunt or actually come out and say what I’m wanting to really say because I’m developing more of an idgaf attitude (especially at work) and he is starting to be able to take it down a few notches with me and hold back some potentially hurtful things he is really wanting to say.. idk if that’s why things lately seem to hurt me so much more because it’s kind of like, well we’ve come such a long way, why are you backtracking now? We’re supposed to be on the same team, on the same side, ect. I also don’t want him to feel like he “can’t say anything he’s wanting to”, but I would like him to treat me like his girlfriend, be sweeter, be nicer; not treat me like his best guy friend who is just as rude back to him… I guess not “rude”, but like, they have the same kind of shit-talking banter that goes back and forth and I want to be his person, someone he holds to a higher regard in a sense because he cares about my feelings and cares about how he’s affecting me, not because he feels like he needs to hold back or edit what he’s saying, but because he wants to protect me and my feelings.
We also joke around a LOT. He makes me laugh every day, and vice versa. It’s one of the reasons why I fell for him so hard, he’s just so fucking funny and charming. We can both be very sarcastic, but my jokes always come with a smile, a laugh.. His can be more direct and harsh but I love that kind of humor anyways so I have no complaints about that. We just mesh very well together, and when we are on, we are so on.
(I’m sorry if I’m going on and on about us but I’m also kind of sussing this out for myself as I type this out and I’m pretty frustrated right now)
Anywhooooo…. Basically we were outside with our friend (mostly his long time friend, they’ve been friends forever, since high school and coworkers and roommates together) and he’s talking about how he needs a new truck and a new camper and all this stuff, ect.
My boyfriend then says “Yeah, I need a new truck too… well..”
At this point I literally just thought I was finishing his sentence and I said “But ya need a new job first”
And mind you all- we are very fortunate to be in a situation where we are not hurting at all from lack of funds, I have a very good stable job that allows me to also work overtime here and there and our rent is cheap and bills aren’t too bad, we don’t have children to look after… We are completely fine in that regard, he’s only lost his job just barely two weeks ago, he was able to still get a paycheck and has one more on the way so we haven’t really even gotten into the territory of pinching penny’s or scrounging at all yet… He is also well past the point of making jokes about the entire situation himself; yes it does suck and is super unfortunate, but he/we have already made jokes about it and he’s been applying and interviewing for new ones straight away.
Me saying that was not a jab at him AT ALL, I literally felt like I was finishing his sentence, it felt like he was about to say that, he said “well..” and lifted his eyebrows and I lifted mine back and said that because it was what was in the air, I was catching what he was putting down. I’m just frustrated because I did not feel like I was diminishing him, or making fun of him, I was literally just “stating the facts” which btw, is something he LOVES to say… “Facts over feelings” type shit. He is constantly saying that about the world, that everyone is putting their feelings first over facts, ect. It’s the type of thing where I just feel like he can never really take what he dishes out… I’m just simply stating the fact.
So he looks at me, and in front of our friend he says,
“Or maybe I just need a new girlfriend”
It felt very out of left field, very unnecessary, a bit rude and not equal at all to what I had said. This coming from Mr. Facts-Over-Feelings had just rattled me. I laughed it off, play hit him a few times because it was in front of our friend, I think I might’ve been like, “ugh, rude!” And he almost doubled down and said something like, “you know, one that cooks and cleans”
Which, I am the first to admit that I am slightly failing in both of those areas but I also just worked an 11 hr shift yesterday, I’m on my period, (so maybe that’s why I’m hyper sensitive right now as well??) and I’m fucking tired, okay?! He has been picking up the slack because, you know, he doesn’t have a 9-5 right now, so he made ramen and then burgers the other night, did some laundry and dishes and things but hasn’t fully taken those duties over… he has also been playing video games from the couch every day I come home from work the last few days and I haven’t said SHIT about it (other than making a joke about how he should obviously be greeting me at the door when I arrive home from work but in a completely funny and silly way, not in a serious jabby kind of way, but in a like duhhh you should be at the door grabbing my bag and giving me a kiss because you are just on the couch playing video games kind of a way) I want him to be happy and have an outlet and be able to still do fun things because I am not worried about him finding another job atm. I want him to enjoy that.
We came back inside and I of course started over thinking EVERYTHING. I got super quiet, I didn’t know if I wanted to make a big deal out of it or not but I absolutely hate that he would make a joke like that. It is so rude and feels very disrespectful to me and our relationship.
I don’t ever EVER make jokes about “finding a new man” or “finding someone who will treat me right” or “finding someone who will be able to take care of my emotions better” because I feel like that’s a fucked thing to say to someone. It just made me super sad and really bummed out..
He of course could sense that and he apologized to me but he said something like, “I’m sorry for being rude” or later when I mentioned it made me sad he just said “You really struck a nerve and I’m sorry I was rude” or something along those lines, I wish I remembered exactly how he apologized but I do remember that he never once said anything like he wishes he could take it back or that he didn’t mean it at all. I think that’s what is sticking with me the most. Like, yeah, thanks for apologizing but you haven’t really told me it was something you didn’t mean. I was literally just stating a fact, which is something he ALWAYS says… and to come back at my fact with his feelings just fucks me so sideways because he is always having a problem with me when I do that, when I ‘respond to facts with feelings’. I just don’t think he sees how hypocritical he’s being.
Another thing; I’ve been quiet all night. I haven’t been giving him anything to work with really… I guess he knows he’s “in the dog house” so to speak.. I had been previously begging him to watch a movie with me for a while now, a specific movie that I had just bought on DVD and we still hadn’t gotten around to watching it… we got back from a quiet car ride, quiet dinner at Culver’s (because I’m on my fucking period and I just wanted a butter burger) & a quiet car ride back… He starts playing his video games again (which is fine.) while I am writing things out on my desk and doing other little things… I walk by him and he asks if I want to watch the DVD and I say “Nah.” He later says he was getting a headache and stopped playing because of it and asks, “Are you suuure you don’t want to watch that?” I said “I’m good”. And idk why, this pissed me off even more… You’re just trying to appease me now that you know I’m in a bad mood and you put me there? Instead of just dealing with the consequences of your own actions, you’re basically just trying to shut me up with something that I really love and have really been looking forward to. Like, no. I don’t want to go into that in a terrible fucking mood. I’m really looking forward to him finally watching one of my all-time favorite movies and I’m not going to start it on a night like this.
Other important things to mention: we are both in our early 30’s and have been together for about 9 years.
Thanks to anyone who actually took the time to read out my massive novel… sometimes it just helps me to get it all out there and I appreciate you all!
Am I overreacting?? Should I just let it go and bury it and not mention it again? Is this an overreaction? Am I overreacting???