u/ImpressiveDig7791

This goes into detail about masturbation etc

Idk I was okay for awhile. I was working on healing my relationship with sex through masturbation
I stopped having trauma responses I stopped crying and panicking I started to enjoy it.
I use toys more often than not.
I was in treatment a month ago for two months and the alters started making me masturbate there in maladaptive ways
It stopped when I got home.
I haven’t done it much since being home.
Idk maybe it’s my fault I was sad and upset from being home and a long day at work so I figured I’d masturbate bc I was too afraid to do anything else:
My littles had been wanting to play but I was tired and I had been wanting to do some things but was too afraid to.
Masturbating is low stakes.
So I watched some stuff and did that.
It’s kinda my fault I wanted something a little different so I did some penetrative stuff which I don’t do often or at least not in the way I was doing it.
It reminded me of my SA as a child and idk I just felt like I wasn’t allowed to stop I had to keep going
I had two vibrators one internally that no longer vibrates and one externally
The alters told me I was allowed to stop but idk I couldn’t maybe I I don’t know
They said I had permission to stop
I didn’t
I wanted to and still want to curl up in a bawl and cry
I put on some indie
Idk idk what to do now
And idk how to get over this

Edit my littles texted my therapist about it

I am SOOOOO happy. I’m free in being me I don’t look like a girl anymore (:

I don’t know if this is bc I’m attracted to women but idk this is dumb but I’ll never look good as a redhead again (I am not naturally a red head but I’d like to be again one day) and on the mental health books I write there won’t be some smart pretty women on the cover it’ll be a stupid man. Idk ik it’s stereotypes but that’s wha people will think I feel like people almost have more respect for women than men idk.

I want to like my boobs and my vagina and the way my body curves and long hair or even medium length hair for a women I wish I could be a pretty women because they’re so damn beautiful and I feel they’re just better and tha might sound offensive but that’s my honesty.

I think I’m scared of men bc of my extensive trauma history tha was mostly caused by men.

If you’re going to say talk ab this in therapy wha do I even say

Also my running dreams are over no one’s gonna want to compete against a trans man.

You guys told me male therapists get clients and lgbtq clients and how people would want to learn yoga and mindfulness from me but I just don’t know I feel like being a man just hurts me in so so many ways

And now I have to be straight. I like identifying as queer but now I can’t. I have to be straight and there’s nothing wrong with being straight but god how id like to be queer and I don’t feel like I can call myself LGBTQ if I’m a straight man.

I have so much ahead of me I’m in my right mind for once I’m on good meds I’m older and I’m not going back in the closet with my gender this time

Idk if I’m just grieving the successful women I could’ve been.