u/Impressive_Clue_9193

I thrift everything I wear and although I usually pass up shein stuff simply due to the quality, I've been coming across items I really like and snag them up. I wouldn't purchase from or browse shein and I know thrifting it is fine. But I low-key worry if people will see something I'm wearing and automatically know where it's from lol. Should I even care tho like do you notice when someone's wearing shein (like one ​item not their entire outfit being sheincore) or care?​​​

For context​, i'm 4 years on T and technically nb but consider myself ftm ​since that better represents my transition goals and would like to know the opinions of people more "in the binary" who are still open minded.

For the past 4 years (2 of which I was a minor so no T) I presented masculine all of the time, mostly because I knew I would​ not be taken seriously if I didn't, and also because of dysphoria. Well, being on T for even this amount of time has essentially eradicated most of my dysphoria. My voice is deeper, I have a beard now, my overall shape is better, I pass well if my hair is cut. I'm short and definitely look younger than I am so I tend to pass as someone younger than my actual age which I don't mind.

However, I've recently been enjoying growing out my hair which automatically makes my appearance confusing. At a first glance I no longer pass as readily. I also have been enjoying presenting feminine at times now that I'm no longer forced to "be female" and it's been nice except for my bathroom​ dilemma. I used to be able to just use the men's with no problem but I've actually been confronted and have even had people line up outside of the bathroom to wait for me to get out because they're either being respectful or afraid of getting accused of something. Anyway, I pee outside now. Most places don't have family restrooms or private ones. I don't MIND peeing outside but it's not always convenient and I'm not trying to catch a lawsuit (even though i use a pee device so nothing is exposed)

Going into the women's would be fine if I y'know didn't literally have a beard and sound like a guy when I talk.

It pisses me off because my partner who is a CIS MAN gets to have long hair and could wear literally anything and not cause a scene just by trying to take a piss. But I'm too androgynous I guess. ​ Unless I go all in on male presentation and scrub any personality out of my appearance. I low-key just wanted to enjoy my hair before it falls out eventually because it is honestly breathtaking when it's at it's full length and I haven't got to have it since I was a kid with extreme dysphoria over it. And I low-key just wanted to enjoy the clothes I couldn't wear as a kid due to dysphoria, body image issues and weight problems. But that means I get to ​piss outside like a dog. And if there's literally no other option the last resort of having my partner escort me to the men's room and pretend I'm his kid is a disaster waiting to happen.

Ngl I'm about ready to just exclaim "nah I got a dick" if anyone makes mention and just go in lmao. But then I feel bad for basically playing into anti transwomen rules by "using the men's since I have a dick" as someone presenting feminine ​even though I literally don't have a dick but if I go into the women's there's a good chance I'll get the cops called on me no matter how I dress because they might think I'm a "guy sneaking in under female clothes" since it's not like I make an effort to appear like a woman since I'm a trans guy 😭🙏🏻

Like... It wouldn't be that hard to just have a family bathroom available.

The other day we were at the mall and the family bathroom was locked and security refused to unlock it because we didn't have a baby with us and I'm just thinking like.. what if I had a colostomy bag or a catheter or something and needed more than a tiny stall with no privacy to safely do it up? Just fuck disabled people I guess? So I pissed in a public single ​toilet outside where the water wouldn't stop spraying out of the fucking toilet and getting the entire floor covered in piss water. How delightful.

It's so stupid because I know just giving in and dressing how I'm supposed to and chopping my hair off would fix it but I spent my whole life loathing these things and now I can finally enjoy them and I wish that didn't mean I just had to piss outside all the time if there isn't some dingy disgusting port o potty or public facility nearby.

ANYWAY what advice would y'all have for someone in my situation?

​

​

I've always believed I've had vaginismus because my symptoms line up exactly, but it feels rather extreme and I'm wondering if it might be something else.

- it is physically impossible to penetrate, like I mean physically. Not "it hurts too much"- I mean it does but also it can't physically fit anything even when trying to just get past the pain out of frustration.

- the way I picture it feeling is way different from how it feels to at least try to fit something inside. It almost feels more like a urethral feeling, even when looking in a mirror and making sure I'm not in the wrong area. It feels so disturbing. Like, I imagine it feeling more "back" like where my actual vagina is but when trying to insert a small dilator or anything it feels like my urethra. And I promise you I am not accidentally putting anything in my urethra. I don't know why it feels this way.

- it feels like razor blades to try and dilate even with a wabe as thin as a pencil. In fact it hurts worse to use something tiny like that which actually can penetrate but feels like it's stabbing vs a small dilator that feels like it's ripping the walls open instead

- it has actually improved with testosterone HRT (I'm ftm) even though things have gotten drier- it was way worse pre transition the pain and discomfort. ​

I feel like there's no hope for me at all. No $ for physical therapy but trying to fix it myself has done nothing. I've been trying for 5 years now

Just wondering from people who actually have experience with this type of travel (and not the "I walked across the US but spent 1000 ​on hotels n​ shit for maximum comfort type thing)

Would a walk / thru hike ​combined with cheap public transportation in cities where this exists (such as san Antonio) to boost my ETA (not greyhound style bus with high price point) be possible? I understand it would take over a month and be extremely challenging.

I mean, I know it's possible. But I've never spoken to anyone who's traveled in this way without having a massive budget that would cost more than a plane ticket.

Honestly don't want to have to justify it but for the curious: combination of desire for the challenge + financial constraints + the physical and mental strengthening ​is a plus.

I have very ​minimal experience with "​urban camping" ​but have done it and enjoyed it a lot fwiw. ​Have had a decent amount of experience with walking 15+ miles per day while carrying less than 20lbs. Not a true vagabond as I am housing supported by family and have relatively little experience​. Due to circumstance and mental illness it is extremely difficult for me to maintain total ​independence in a world not built for people like me. If my person died in an accident I'd be in the same boat as many of y'all so I try to get experience where I can because it doesn't hurt to be prepared. Although that's not exactly the point of this trip that would certainly help.

One way or another I'll be taking the trip at some point within the next few years, but it's important to avoid n​eeding an emergency exit due to my own stupidity and inexperience.

Anyone who's done something similar, feel free to comment on it and give advice, books and the internet​ are great but human experience is invaluable.