i (18f) broke up with my long-term bf (18M), started seeing someone new (20M) a month later. then my ex came back into my life and now everything is chaos. how can i not hurt both parties?
so i (18f) recently ended a 3-year relationship with my ex boyfriend c (18m). he’s a really loving person and was a huge part of my life, so this wasn’t a simple “i don’t care anymore” breakup. it was more like over time i started feeling emotionally unfulfilled and kind of unheard.
toward the end, i felt like i was the one putting in more effort emotionally. i wanted more communication, more intentional time together, and more actual dates. in three years, we never really had a proper date experience, and when i brought it up, he got defensive and nothing changed. i really just hated that we never went out the house together. i felt like most of our time together was in his house in his shared family spaces because that’s where he was comfortable bc he wanted to be around his family 24/7, which made me feel like we never really had a private relationship space. on top of that, there were moments where he didn’t really defend me when people were disrespectful, and over time that built emotional distance for me.
because of all that, i eventually asked for space and we broke up. even though i initiated it, i didn’t emotionally detach. i still loved him deeply and went through a lot of grief after.
a month after the breakup, i started talking to another guy (20m), we’ll call him A. it happened pretty fast. he was attractive, very physically affectionate, and there was strong chemistry. we hung out twice within a short time span, cuddled, kissed, and got physically intimate in my car (not sex, but other stuff).
but pretty quickly i started noticing things that made me feel unsure about him long-term. sometimes he would come off kind of cheap or overly focused on splitting costs in a way that felt unromantic to me, like commenting about money on small things or asking me for gas money for having to drive to me or acting hesitant about paying for simple stuff. i also felt like he didn’t always have the “gentleman energy” i personally like, meaning being naturally thoughtful, leading, and generous without making it feel transactional. at times he could also come off a bit reactive or entitled in attitude, which gave me the ick even though i liked him physically and enjoyed the connection in the moment.
i told him honestly that i liked him but didn’t like some of his behavior, and he said he would change. on our second hangout, he was noticeably more affectionate, paid for things without complaining this time, took me out, and we were intimate again. so things felt better, but still confusing.
then shortly after (literally the next day after i hung out with A the second time), C and i reconnected. we had been mostly no contact, but we ended up talking again after i called him by accident on instagram because i was crying and rereading our text messages. i told him i was sorry for calling and it turned into us hanging out. he was suddenly very affectionate and intentional in a way that was completely different than how he used to act . he brought me flowers, took me to dunkin and a nice dessert place, paid for everything and encouraged me to get more, drove me around, and we went to a gorgeous park and talked/walked for a long time. emotionally, it felt really comforting but also confusing, and it pulled me back in a lot.
but then things got complicated because i told him i had been intimate with A while we were broken up. even though we weren’t together at the time, it still hurt him. he got jealous and upset and said he didn’t want me talking to or seeing A if we were going to continue reconnecting. he also suggested something like a “not fully together but emotionally connected” situation with the idea of maybe getting back together in the future (without wanting me to talk to a) which felt unclear and in-between for me.
at the same time, i told A about what happened with C because i wanted to be honest and he got very emotionally upset. this surprised me because i thought he only wanted to be fwb, but he told me he felt like i had led him on because he had developed feelings. he told me he felt hurt and even said i should be ashamed of myself and kind of insinuated that i was a hoe, which made me feel a lot of guilt and pressure. now he’s pushing me to cut off my ex entirely and telling me to block him.
so now i’m stuck in a really messy emotional situation where:
i still deeply love C and feel very emotionally attached to him but i’m not fully sure going back into the same dynamic is actually right for me
i like A physically and enjoy parts of our connection, but i don’t fully see long-term compatibility unless his behavior changes a lot
both of them are emotionally invested and reacting strongly, which is pressuring me
i feel overwhelmed and confused about what i actually want, especially with college coming up where im moving to a completely different state in the fall and my life changing soon
i’m not trying to play anyone or manipulate anyone. i think i just moved too fast emotionally after a long breakup and now everything is overlapping at once and i don’t know how to untangle it.
tldr: i (18f) broke up with my 3-year bf C (18m) because i felt like i wasn’t getting enough effort, dates, emotional priority, or private time in the relationship, even though he’s loving and i still care about him a lot. after the breakup i started seeing A (20m), who is very affectionate, physically attractive, and things moved fast between us emotionally and physically, but i started feeling put off by his sometimes cheap/transactional attitude and a few immature or not very “gentlemanly” behaviors, even though he can also be sweet, attentive, and attempt to adjust when i communicated how i don’t like his attitude. later, C and i reconnected accidentally and he asked to hangout and suddenly became very romantic and intentional (flowers, taking me out, paying, effort, affection), which made me emotionally confused and pulled back in. but he also wants exclusivity (so no talking to A at all and was very mad when i told him about A and what i had done with him) and a “not fully together but maybe later” situation, which feels unclear. meanwhile, i told A about what happened with C but A had already gotten emotionally attached, felt led on, and is now hurt and pressuring me to choose him and cut off C. i like things about both guys but also have issues with both, and now i feel overwhelmed, guilty, and unsure what i actually want with college coming up and my life changing soon.