u/ImprovementSilver265

Ladies,

Anyone in their late 30s with husbands and young children, whose husband still likes to go out until morning? Let’s assume he’s a good guy otherwise and provides.

I understand the nightlife culture is different here. I’m from a place where clubs close at 2 and everyone goes home. I don’t get hammered, I have a child to care for next day. As a wife, I’m getting tired of it and wish I just had a mature man who wasn’t into this anymore. He argues that it’s a Kenyan thing, and that it makes him happy to be out. OK, don’t let me steal your joy, but also we know that he’s constantly putting himself into temptation’s face.

Edit/UPDATE: Thanks ladies for your kind words. it turns out we have bigger issues than this. He’s not attracted to me anymore, doesn’t want to fix it, and i have to deal with how to survive this level of pain long enough to make a decision. I wish men were more honest with themselves before getting into a marriage.

My question for you guys is, if you’re in reconciliation mode, how do you deal with those feelings of anger? or suspicion, or unhappiness? how did you detach from them in the same space where you were hurt? how did you heal in the same place you were hurt? it feels very difficult. I keep trying to distance myself emotionally, see the true dynamics of this relationship while I determine if it’s even worth keeping. We have a toddler.

I keep a journal to vent about anything related to infidelity.

My husband has been changing his habits toward more positive ones slowly, but tonight has decided to go out instead of coming home. He’s late 30s and enjoys it as his social outlet. He’s been drinking less; he was supposed to stay sober for a couple more months before our vacation, but I guess we’ll see if he’s able to. it was his decision to try it. When he goes out with this friend, his friend drinks like a sailor and he sometimes joina. I can’t help but feel angry at both of them for the manchild behavior. is it hurting anyone? No, because I’m going to wake up to go to my morning appointment regardless and he knows that.

Before he left, I got up to see him since I was awake . i asked what he did today, and he said it nothing eventful, in my mind refusing to share what he did. But I said oh ok nothing eventful? Playing along. I was very transparent about my plans today. He usually indicates what he’s doing, I dislike when he plays this game of witholding for a petty reason like feeling that I’m prying.

Aside from all this he’s a providing man. I’m a working woman, I bring in the bacon as well. I help him bill for his business and order groceries.i watch our child most of the time. Most of the time I feel done, its getting harder to love him especially when he again tells me that he sees marriage as something people should avoid, or that he loves me but he’s ready to let it all go when he senses my disdain for him. it’s falling apart, but I’m letting it run its course without force.
Something I’ve been trying to remember is that you should let people do what they want to do, let them reveal themselves and don’t try to change or control them. I battle with a feeling in my stomach that feels like suspicion, discomfort, almost daily. If I could test my cortisol levels they’d probably be off the charts.

How do you release the grasp on someone who wants to be free? But also hold boundaries to make sure you call them out if they’re not being respectful?

I’m tired yall. That old me was anxious every time he stepped out without me, or was vague about his whereabouts. Or liked female acquaintances photos, or kept collecting female friends (I met him as a man with female friends). I don’t want that anymore. He already knows where my discomforts are. We‘ve already discussed all of that.

Add to that he’s already told me the bedroom is dead. He doesn’t find sex enjoyable and refuses to work on it because he doesn’t think it can be fixed. I think that’s the part that is heavily killing my soul. A sexless marriage, for the reasons It’s happening, I never imagined I’d be in this situation. I hate what he did to us.