u/Independent-Fox6000

I am undiagnosed but suspect EDS. Because I don't have a diagnosis I don't often feel confident or comfortable wearing/using aids in public even though my knee pain is very real.

I went on a week long vacation with my family. I decided that due to how much walking would be involved that I should try knee braces. There were a lot of people using their own braces/aids around the parks and that helped me feel more and more comfortable as the vacation went on. Even so much that I finally asked for the last two days if it'd be okay to rent a mobility scooter, I wasn't able to keep up with my dad and sister by the end of the trip!

I also had an interaction with a park worker who asked why he sees so many young people use braces, and if it was a new fashion thing. He was older and I could tell he wanted to know out of curiosity. So I explained that I have joint pain, especially in my knees and ankles. The braces help support the joint without limiting proper mobility. I also told him that seeing so many other people use them helped me feel more confident in helping myself without judgement. He really seemed to enjoy that answer.

Overall my experience on vacation surrounding my braces and using aids really boosted my confidence a good amount. I'm starting to feel really good about it! And I hope that others saw me using my braces and felt more confident in themselves too 💖

Anyway, I just wanted to share. I stop myself from properly supporting my own needs a lot, and I'm trying to learn to undo that.

Yes it's an LDR, if you're going to invalidate or be mean to me can you please just scroll on? I know some people consider online relationships as fake. Regardless of that, my feelings are very very real and I am in a lot of pain.

I've been in therapy consistently for 7 years, for everyone recommending therapy.

Please stop DMing me telling me to get back at him and do the same. I will not do that. And stop offering yourselves :/

We were broken up for a week and he went and had e-sex with a girl he met the day before we broke up. It makes me feel fucking awful, I shake and I spit and I get aggressive and I have BPD so I split over it every time I think about it. One of the conditions of us getting back together was that they could still remain friends. I said fine, even though it triggers me and makes me feel like this and I act out over it. It makes me feel replaceable, and like the two years we were together didn't matter. That the promises we made didn't matter. That fully believing we're soulmates doesn't matter. Because he fucked her. And had to tell her he didn't want a relationship, which meant they talked about it. It makes me feel just, vile. Disgusting. And yeah he chose to get back with me, so I should just be grateful. And I don't want to put this shit on him so I keep it to myself. But I can't fucking stop myself from thinking every time he spends time with friends, it's her. That dumb fucking bitch who he fucked, while I was considering killing myself over the break up. Fucking falling apart every second of the day and he's getting his virtual penis wet. He didn't even grieve the relationship, he just went and fucked. I've been keeping it all to myself for a month or something now and I just fucking hate it I hate it, then I force myself to over perform sexually for him so he doesn't leave me for someone with a higher libido who probably isn't deeply sick and unwell and is passively suicidal. Someone easier. I just feel so fucking worthless. I was just on vacation for a week and I come back and see how many levels on video games he got while I was away and I spiraled because he probably played with her the entire time. I don't even know why he can't just respect me and see how much the idea of her hurts me. It feels awful knowing she's around. And he says nothing happens and I trust him, but they have history and moved real fast after breaking off a two year relationship. It's fucking hard. It hurts SO BAD. I just wanted my relationship back but this stupid woman is looking over me every second of the day and my mood stabilizers aren't working as well as they used to and I just feel so humiliated and embarrassed

Editing to add, she knew everything about the breakup and stuff. He told me he told her. Which makes this all feel worse

Hi guys.

I'm having a hard time today. I had a bad morning, now it's bed time and I don't want to go to sleep for fear of having a nightmare. I always have them. It is part of my other disorders. I take a medication to help with them but sometimes bad ones can still slip through if I'm stressed enough. And I am stressed enough.

I feel uncertain of where my future can even go. I do not feel like I can function as an adult, and I am certainly no help to society. All I seem to ever do is hurt other people because of my own pain. It controls me.

All I have ever wanted is to be loved, even though I am a complete awful person. I want love more than anything. To know someone is there who will choose me, even when my demons get the better of me. Who will fight with me. Who will support and uplift me. And even though I want these things I seem unable to provide the same things. It's embarrassing. I just can't be who I want to be, or who is needed of me.

If I can't be better, what is the point of being around anymore? Certainly I do not know. And I'm hitting a breaking point in continuing to attempt survival for others. My pain is controlling me, I am not a full human anymore.