im trying to figure out if i was abused or not (my experience + possible results of it)
Hello everyone, im kinda ashamed im posting this on the internet, but i have no one else to ask.
I was 8 (F) years old and had a friend (also F) who went to school with me, we would hang out sometimes and one day we hung out at her Mom's shop(she was a masseuse). Me and this girl were hanging out in the lobby until she tells me to come with her to play a "game", i follow her and we end up in one empty room with only a bed at the center and a tiny shower that was used as a changing room. She tells me to get in the shower and to take all our clothes off EXCEPT our panties, after that she tells me to lay on the bed and i do, and she follows by sitting on me and rubbing our panties together, and as she was doing that she was making noises and pretending to phone someone talking about how "she got a new boyfriend" (keep in mind, we are both girls), and im not sure if anything else happened but what i am sure of is that we both kept our panties on the whole time. and it only happened this once.
During the act i was very confused, but i didnt feel like it was wrong, and i didnt object at all, i should mention that this girl had me quite wrapped around her finger, "manipulating" me over silly stuff (one time she coerced me into gifting her my Ipod until my mom intervened)
I never told this to anyone, but i think at one point my mom figured out something was wrong and by the end of 3rd grade i switched schools
According to my mom, she told me this later in time, this girl's parents were very open about their sexual experiences and according to her even left the door open when they had sex, + they apparently cheated on eachother, and this lead me to believe that she was replicating those acts she saw in them with me (which would also explain why she was pretending to talk to someone on the phone)
After i switched schools, some things changed. I started to watch porn (around when i was 9, i had unlimited internet access)) and im still struggling to let it go, as it has become something similar to an addiction, and i remember that in 5th grade we had sex ED class and it was one of the worst experiences of my life, i kept shaking in my chair and asking to go to the bathroom until my teacher noticed i was uncomfortable and made me leave the classroom to calm down for a bit. But later, when i did sex ED in 7th grade i was pretty damn chill.
When i hit puberty in middle school, i struggled with gender dysphoria and self harm, my porn addiction got worse and i started feeling both ashamed and proud of it, since in classi could understand all the boys' dirty jokes unlike other girls (im not like other girls moment)
Lets flashforward to now, i have a loving boyfriend and since i was a virgin and he wasnt, he told me that he wouldnt pressure me to have sex, and that he would wait for me until i felt like i was ready, the first two times (a few months ago) everything went well, then i got physically sick(and my mental health worsened) and we couldnt for a while, recently (a month ago) we started again but ive been giving really dubious consent despite enjoying the act, constantly scared of something bad that could happen, until one day he sat me down to talk about this since he was very worried about the fact i didnt give very clear verbal consent. i struggled to, but i told him my experience.
Ever since then, ive been wondering if all of these problems i mentioned were because of this unresolved trauma i have, and if it even counts as COCSA, i would appreciate some help. bless you all.