Other passages I can get between 4/6 to 6/6 but philosophy and dense literature, art and history passages I get like a 0 or 1 out of 6 no matter if I take 8 minutes or I take 18 minutes.
I’m in a really low place right now and just need to get this out.
All my life I’ve been awkward. Every time I try to open up or get closer to people, they eventually pull away or straight-up dislike me. I have a small group of high school friends I can still hang with, but I’m pretty sure they don’t actually like me much – I feel like I’m just convenient for them (library runs, etc.).
Family stuff
My older sister has always been obsessed with being the family favorite. My younger sister and I both noticed how she puts us down and badmouths us. Whenever my mom shows me any respect, my older sister flips out with tantrums and aggression. Eventually the whole family falls back into insulting me and dismissing anything I say. Going home feels like walking into emotional quicksand. She brings this attitude to my extended family and sometimes friends and it ruins things. On top of that my mom will act the same way towards me.
The big isolation moment
In 9th grade at the masjid, I told someone’s brother about vaping (I honestly didn’t think it was snitching at the time because he was interested too). Word spread fast, everyone labeled me a snitch, and I got completely frozen out. It was so bad I was suicidal. Later I made new high school friends despite heavy bullying, but the damage was done – I became super introverted and started hating people.
The “prove them wrong” era
I developed this mindset that I’m inferior and the only way to matter was to crush everyone with grades and success. It worked academically (3.97 GPA in college), but my mental health collapsed. I came off as arrogant and made enemies by boasting.
Mid-college my younger sister started spreading rumors about me too, which wrecked my reputation even more. Two summers ago I hit rock bottom, felt hated by everyone, and threatened to end it. That was a wake-up call – my family got nicer for a while (though old habits keep creeping back).
Recent years
I’ve been trying to turn things around for me this time – not to impress anyone. I felt happier and more motivated… until this girl at clinic started acting like we were in a relationship. She got extremely controlling – yelling if I didn’t talk to her, freaking out, etc. I never dated her. When I tried to distance myself she asked me out, I said no, and she spread stuff to her friends. My social standing tanked again.
On top of everything, porn became my comfort during hard times and gave me a nasty staring OCD. Therapy helped a little, but it ruined more interactions and made me paranoid around people.
Now it feels like literally no one genuinely likes me except those four high school friends (and even that feels shaky). Family friends think I’m thriving because of the grades, but I’m just so tired of this environment and this version of myself.
I want real connection. I want to stop feeling like an outsider everywhere I go. Has anyone climbed out of a similar hole? How did you rebuild socially and mentally when it felt like the whole world had already decided who you are?
My mcat is next week, doesnt seem like ill be getting an amazing score, but still will be applying. I'd like to get into FSU, but even its 10th percentile MCAT is a 505, so it seems like a major reach