Lost, feeling alone, and truthfully like a POS
My wife and I have been together for over 15 years and married for almost 9. We have two young children (5 and 3), and she’s currently pregnant with our third child. From the outside, we probably look like a normal family with a stable life, careers, a house, family dinners, and holidays - but internally I feel emotionally starved, disconnected, and increasingly checked out of the marriage.
One of the biggest issues has been the complete collapse of physical intimacy and affection over the years. Sex has become infrequent, inconsistent, and emotionally empty. I’ve realized physical intimacy is not just “nice to have” for me — it’s one of the main ways I feel loved, connected, desired, and emotionally close to my partner. Without it, I slowly started feeling unwanted and rejected inside my own marriage.
It’s not just about sex itself either. There’s almost no affection anymore:
no cuddling on the couch
no touching in bed
no falling asleep holding each other
no spontaneous affection
no feeling desired
Most nights she insists on me sleeping facing away from her, and if I try to touch or cuddle her, she often gets annoyed or angry. I can honestly remember specific rare nights where she allowed physical closeness because it became that unusual.
Over time, I stopped initiating as much because the rejection started damaging my self-esteem and emotional well-being. The loneliness of lying beside someone every night while feeling emotionally and physically unwanted is hard to explain unless you’ve lived it.
At the same time, the relationship has become increasingly toxic during conflict. During arguments she has:
- told me to “get the fuck out of the house”
- threatened separation
- weaponized my vulnerabilities
- lashed out with cruel or emotionally cutting comments
- made me feel like expressing needs turns into a burden or conflict
Eventually something in me emotionally shifted. I realized I wasn’t scared of losing the relationship anymore because I already felt emotionally abandoned inside it.
What makes this harder is that we still occasionally have sex, and when we do, it can actually be good physically because we know each other well after so many years together. But afterward, the emotional disconnect comes right back. It feels more primal and familiar than loving or intimate. There’s very little tenderness afterward. No closeness. No reconnection.
I’ve also started realizing how much I’ve lost myself in this marriage. I feel guilty whenever I try to prioritize my own needs, whether it’s going to the gym longer, taking space, focusing on my mental health, or even admitting to myself that I’m unhappy. A lot of my energy goes into avoiding conflict, managing her moods, or suppressing my own frustration.
The hardest part is that I don’t hate her. I care about her deeply as the mother of my children, and I know pregnancy and parenting young kids puts enormous stress on a relationship. But I also can’t ignore how lonely, undesired, emotionally disconnected, and emotionally drained I’ve become.
Now I feel trapped between two painful realities:
Staying and continuing in a marriage where I no longer feel emotionally fulfilled, physically connected, or fully myself.
Or leaving and potentially blowing up my family while my wife is pregnant and my kids are still very young.
I’ve started therapy because I genuinely don’t know if this marriage is in a repairable rough patch, or if I’ve finally reached the point where I’m emotionally done and just afraid to admit it.