I am in love with a seminarian.
Hi, I'll just call myself Ari (18F). I will not make this story any longer, but yes, the title is correct. I am in love with a seminarian, and I don't know if this is a correct thing to feel or is this a sin of some sort.
I met this guy during Simbang Gabi, it's basically 9 nights of nightly masses before Christmas, telling the story of Jesus. I don't know if other countries have this. That's when I met him. On the 5th night of mass, and I saw him on the remaining nights also. He seems mischievous, and I was correct because i have a friend that is a part of the church. She told me that he randomly attacks them with Holy Water, teasingly splashing the other members also. I added him on Facebook after I asked my friend for his account. Then a couple months later, I created a journal account and saw him there on my recommendation then I added him too. To which he followed me back. I remember how flustered and excited I felt when he did so.
Now, here's how we had contact. I was (and still am) in a really scary phase of my life where I get sleep paralysis and hear voices, telling me not to wake up. It was scary. This started a few years back, but it just came back randomly. It came to a point where I couldn't breathe in my sleep and struggle to gasp for air. Asked my family about what this could be, and my family being religious, they're just telling me to pray. It came to a point where I can no longer sleep because of how scared I am, in desperate need to talk to someone. Then, he came to my mind. I know it's a really obvious and dumb move for me to make the first move, but i was sobbing at this point, and I have no money to get myself checked up to the doctor (it's very expensive here in the Philippines).
I messaged him about my sleep paralysis. He responded and gave me a clear advice, even telling me an experience of his own. I will not elaborate the advice, but let's just say that he's wise. And despite being a seminarian, he did not make his advice dependent to God and my faith, he gave me some factors physically also, before a bit of a spiritual perspective. He told me that he will pray for me. And being a girl who's crushing on this boy, that struck me straight to my heart and even my soul. I messaged him a week after about how I'm feeling better, and stuffs like that. He told me that it's lovely and asked me to pray for him too.
Then, just yesterday, I woke up to "4+ messages" from him. I was kicking everywhere! Even biting my own pillow and pinching myself if this is real, because I tend to still continue my dream even if I had already woken up. Well, it's real. Turns out he was looking for me in a picture. He sent me a picture of him with other church members and told me that if I don't mind him asking if I am in the picture with him. Then I asked him if there was anything specific that he wants me to pray for him. He told me I was thoughtful and joked that he was craving biryani, which was funny because I wrote on my IG notes how I crave biryani. But then, he told me that he was on a cross road, basically he's at a point where he has to make a decision for himself and it's a big decision too.
Now, I know this guy. I know how dedicated he is to his duty and vocation, and I feel conflicted whether is it alright to have feelings for him. It feels like I am taking him away from his duty, from what he loves the most. I need an advice, because I know confessing is too fast and dangerous because he's at the point of making decisions for himself. I know how guilty I'd feel if I want him to leave the seminary and live a life, which would give him a chance to like me back. But that's selfish. I'd never pray for that, I'd be happier if he continue his dreams in the seminary. I'd be happier knowing that he's guided by love and faith and happy.
Should I continue my feelings, or should I just tell him how I feel then stay away from him?
PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME 😭