April 27th, 2026 Journal Entry
I don't really have anything more philosophical to say right now besides that I'm so sad. And I can't believe I'm 24 y/o and still feeling this way - how embarrassing!
On Friday night, D and I had a pretty good day. Cuddling, Minecraft, sunset hike, walking with me in the driveway cause I wanted to, eggs and shake, Blackberry the Bunny, sex, pizza, forehead kisses.
Then he brought up how we both weren't fine last breakup even though we used to joke about it a lot and how he'd be fine this time cause he's in a way better place/mindset. And I said, yknow what I think I might be too. And he said 'are you kidding???! you'd freak out', and brought up that breakup threat incident he did to say I freaked out then. I said something about how like he was being a jerk then, we both know this (??!!). And he said something about him doing all of that because of something I did and then said to drop it. Whatever.
Then, it was good again, drinking wine and sitting on the couch watching HP Deathly Hallows. Sat right next to each other. Cozy. I, thinking this is a silly and nostalgic story, bring up how I used to be obsessed with Ron as a child, even going as far as only letting my family call me Ron for awhile. Suddenly shit isn't so easy and loving. He questions how I could find him attractive -> he's homely -> he's not even that good-looking -> that must mean you think I'm ugly, great, since you find me attractive.
Me: 'yes' (majorly exasperated/sarcastic tone). Fatal mistake. Goes in even harder. Switches from 'you think I'm ugly, he's ok but homely, I don't think I'm like him' to 'that's ok, I know I'm good-looking. I know i'm attractive, good thing I'm confident enough to not take your insults, don't worry'. Like a switch.
I, in vain, try to defend me/him, try to backtrack. He goes to bed angerly. I sit out there, bit shell-shocked, wtf just happened?? I cry a little, while shutting lights off, getting ready for bed. He at leasts helps set my bed up with me, wasn't expecting that tbh. We get into bed and he falls asleep quickly, but I'm up, desparately asking ai and googling, taking notes, tipsy. And I can't help but to start crying, more and more until my nose is stuffed. I carefully get up and open the door, he wakes up and asks where I'm going and I just say to sit out there. He promptly goes back to sleep.
I sat on the couch in the corner, with my knees drawn up, crying and crying. Not trying to be quiet at first, kind of wanting him to come out and comfort me. Then, stifling sobs because I knew he wouldn't and I knew if he did, it'd be used against me sooner or later. Dramatic. Ridiculous. Sensitive. That's how I felt.
But I know it's more than Ron fucking Weasley. It's this pattern. Good, bad, good. Something triggered, snapped. Knowing that I just wanted to observe that day. Try to not react (I did), be on my best behavior as much as possible and something still happened. And happened so quick I barely had time to take a pause. I sobbed because I don't want it to be true so bad. I don't want the only proper conclusion to be true, the one with the most evidence, reality.
I still feel silly and dramatic by the way. All words he uses to describe me by the way.