As Christians, how important do you regard being sexually attracted to a partner in a romantic relationship?
Is it moral to not want to be with a romantic partner because you do not want to have sex or be intimate with them?
I (28M) have been talking to my now ex - gf (27F) for about a year now, and 6 months since we broke up. I broke up with her 6 months ago once she found a new apartment after I kicked her out of my home due to our frequent fights, her threats to me and generally her disrespect of my boundaries and feelings. The time living with her was one of the most stressful times of my life and I gained significant weight from overeating and I was not able to exercise. I have definitely developed a type of depression and have felt out of it for about a year now. After I had broken up with her I did not see her for about a month after until she saw me walking along the side of the road and pulled up to talk to me and I missed her, so we agreed to meet up a few weeks after that and since that meeting we have been in contact every day even though I would like to talk less, I don’t feel like I have the energy to enforce it. Historically when I have ignored or blocked her she has made multiple new phone numbers, called repeatedly or shown up at my house. I don’t feel mentally alright and have told her that and have tried to see a psychologist but haven’t been able to get into one yet.
Before we were dating she was in another state and I was talking to her while I was seeing other girls and it was fun and they were nice people, but my friends really liked the girl who I ended up seeing and pushed me to her, and additionally it seemed like she was going through an extraordinarily hard time where she would talk to me for hours about how bad it was where she lived, how she thought she was sick with cancer, how her ex bf who she lived with was toxic, and she was significantly below healthy body weight and generally she scared me to the point where I was genuinely concerned that if I did not do anything she would die. I suggested she move to my state where her family also is so she can be supported and regroup. She had a roommate originally, but that fell through so I told her she could stay with me (thinking it would be a short stay), and during this time she also learned that I had been talking to other girls and she was absolutely livid, it was when she found out that I was that I told her I would commit to her alone and be her boyfriend exclusively, largely because I felt like she needed me in that time and it felt ridiculous to put my feelings or attraction over someone else’s life.
I do think she is pretty but after everything I don’t find her physically attractive at all and don’t want to kiss, cuddle, and especially do not want to have sex with her to the point where she thinks I am gay/closeted. I am bothered because I have brought up the lack of attraction to other people before and they seem to think that it is not important and a lot of the older people seem like they do not have it at all and I feel like this one is generally dismissed by those around me.
During this time though she has gotten a lot better and is also very supportive of me and my dreams in ways that no one else ever has been and she has been with me even at my worst during this time period when other women have left me for comparatively extremely minor things and I feel like I will never find someone this devoted to me again. When we talk about breaking it off again and not speaking it is so extremely sad that I cannot bear it and end up staying with her despite it all. She does have a lot of good traits and I feel like I am really going to regret leaving her if I do, but my body almost rejects being with her to the point I have practically a panic attack the last time we almost got back together, but she demands I commit to her.
Question 1: do you think physical attraction is important for a relationship or ridiculous? I know that she would consider her to be the only moral way to be sexual but I don’t want to be sexual with her so this causes a lot of tension.
Question 2: would you work through this? She is beautiful, talented, and knowledgeable and believes in me and loves me more than anyone I have ever met which makes it so much of a challenge to leave even if it’s toxic.