As mentioned, my ex was extremely toxic. I wish I took the signs when I had them, she was always unsure about me and about us. She started dating me soon after her breakup and during the first 2 months she was in contact with her ex. She constantly fought with me and kept on saying that someday her friends or someday her family was against us dating, because it was too soon. It felt like she kept trying to leave and I kept on trying to grasp on to her. She fought with me over everything and made me feel like I was no one.
She kept on promising me again and again that she will stop any contact from her ex but whenever he contacted her she went into a spiral and was unsure whether she wanted to be with me. She said she loved me but she loved him too. Some days she would say she wanted to marry me and somedays she wanted me to convince her to get married. She had loads of anxiety and trauma from her past relationships and she kept on discussing how her sex life was with her old partners.
Why was it my responsibility to hold on to her and the relationship and make sure she didn’t contact her ex. She behaved so badly with me, on somedays it felt like she was loaning me her precious time. One time we were on simultaneous different trips and she had all my attention but when she started hers she said she needed to escape this and not talk and needed a break and i tried to respect that but even when she didn’t call me the whole day and I called her at night she made me feel bad about it too. Called me out in fucked up ways. I lost fucking 12 kgs of weight during that time. And now I feel fucked to my core.
I wasn’t able to get hard during our relationship and started believing that I have ed which I still feel I do, idk when i will feel better again. And she said she wanted to be with me physically and I wasn’t able to which made me feel shit about myself that I couldn’t do it and her exes could and idk what all. I know everything is okay but still I just can’t shake away the feeling inside of me. I feel she fucked me up to the point that I won’t be able to find someone else ever.
And despite all of this I still fucking miss her, what the hell is wrong with me. Why do I still keep on reminiscing the one in a million good moments and why do I feel so fucked up. I want to feel normal and loved again but I fear I would never be able to.
Why is it so and how can I move on?