u/Individual-You3727

I’m going to delete this later :) ~ Every single day, I wake up with a blank slate. I have to open my notes app and get a refresher of what it is I’m doing on this planet.

I’m really good at picking mindsets, aesthetics, lifestyles. I can’t move forward otherwise because there’s just. Nothing.

At first I’ll deliberately know it’s something I’m “acting” out, but as long as it kind of resonates and other people support/buy it, it helps. And then after a while, I forget. I become it so well, I actually forget there was anything else.

It’s ecstasy when I’m someone else. Because each time I forget and become it, it feels like my true self. I feel like I have a purpose. I have a map! It’s no longer agony and emptiness and choices. It’s ease.

Now that I’m recognizing my patterns and becoming more aware, I’m terrified.

1.) terrified that I’m aware enough this won’t work anymore or maybe I just won’t want to do it even though I NEED to do it to live

2.) terrified because I cant seem to keep this full awareness when I am someone else, and end up making choices that I can’t keep up with or regret once the illusion breaks

Because, it always breaks. Why? Why does it always fucking break.

It makes me feel worse. It makes me a terrible sibling, parent, and friend. I’m trying to fix myself and realizing the cruel irony is that the more I try to fix myself, the more focused I am on myself, which is creating a new or worse problem. But if I don’t try to fix myself, I have nothing to hold onto.

Can you fix yourself without being intensely self aware? Can you be intensely self aware without suffering? Can you suffer without being absorbed by it?