u/Individual_Brief_306

hey guys, I hope this finds all of you well.

I am 17f, grew up in a strict controlling almost evangelical muslim household. I wore the hijab and abaya from the ages of 13-16. I never wore shorts as a kid, never wore dresses, even to this day I have never owned a single dress, I am not allowed to wear fitted clothes, clothes that show my figure. I have constantly been sexualised by my own mother and family members.

Growing up I was always told my body was too grown for my age, that I needed to cover up, that what I had had to be hidden but I always thought, aren't we supposed to love the body that god gave us? but thats besides the point. My mom would bully me for my chest size as a kid, from the ages of 6 to even now. when I would go out infront of my father without wearing a scarf to cover my chest, my mom would say 'have some shame, your father and younger brother is in the house' I was 10 years old when she said that. Later on when I was 16, my mom would sexually assault me.

I was also very sheltered as a kid, not allowed to have certain friends, no makeup to school, no long nails, no jewelry, cant shape my eyebrows. I was living in a girls worst nightmare, I wasnt even allowed to wear sunscreen to school. I never got to experience what other girls got. now I know im in a privileged place to have even been to school.

I got my first proper boyfriend a few weeks ago and we had our first kiss. I have never felt more free in my life, I no longer believe in the religion that was used to control me as a kid. I wear what I like, I hide it from my parents because if I wear it infront of my mom I get slut shamed. when my mom found out about my boyfriend, she called me a whore, a slut, a disappointment, a disgrace to the family name.

Why would an all knowing all powerful merciful god care if at 17 im kissing another boy? or if im in love? if hes so merciful then why do I feel like his mercy is used as a blatant scapegoat to the fact that he is indeed a controlling vindictive narcissist. it just doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever. I was always told islam was a feminist religion, that it was the first religion to give women rights, but our brains are deficient compared to a mans, we need to cover up for men, we need to live for men, why? if its so feminist why is our entire existence so male centred?

Hey guys,

This is my first ever post on here and so I apologise if anything is weird or anything. I am 17f, I live in an abusive household. my mom is a narcissistic childish woman who belittles me constantly, doesn't let me leave the house, doesn't let me live my life, she locks me in the house, doesn't let me stay alone in my room with the door closed, she constantly yells at me and just a lot of other shit I dont know if I want to get into, as for my dad hes absent, emotionally speaking, he just sides with my mom, doesn't let me do anything either and he just stays there and does nothing but yells when I mess up.

I have friends but none of them ever check in or care not that I expect them to, everyone has their own lives and I never want them to worry about me when they have their own lives. I have a boyfriend too and I feel like I rely too much on him emotionally and I dont want me to drain him, hes so sweet and he means a lot to me but I dont want to be like an emotional leech where he feels guilty and feels stuck in our relationship because I depend on him.

I am also taking a gap year out of high school and I am from an asian family so you can imagine how that went, my grades arent the best either and I want to get into med school in Europe or go to college far away from my parents, but dont think my parents believe in me enough to send me anywhere, they said your a waste of money and resources so I dont even think they want me to go to college, they sit everyday and yell at me for how much of a disappointment I am.

I feel like I have nothing to live for, I feel like life would be better for everyone if I just wasnt here anymore, I hate being in my house, im constantly on edge, always walking on eggshells, and on top of that I suffer from a medical condition which makes my stress hormones worse and makes me weak and tired. I feel like the only way to feel better would be to end it all.