Love Bombing / Hot and Cold Behavior
I’m really trying to make sense of my recent breakup because I feel confused and honestly a bit emotionally shaken by how quickly things changed.
At the beginning of the relationship, things moved very fast in a very intense way. My ex was extremely affectionate early on—buying me gifts, insisting on paying for things, wanting to see me often, being very physically affectionate (kissing, cuddling), and saying very deep emotional things about us early on. It felt very strong and like he was really invested. He told me he loved me two weeks in and I told him he couldn’t possibly mean that so quickly, that it couldn’t be sincere and he was upset I didn’t say it back.
One day I was upset because he was very dismissive when I asked him to go to the hotel lobby to get me a coffee. I went and grabbed one and we left and on the way back he turned cold and distant, completely shut down and told me he wanted to break up. He went from this loving affectionate person to this cold hearted guy. A couple days later he said he wanted me back and meant it when he said he loved me.
But over time, I started noticing a pattern where things would shift suddenly. He could be very warm and loving, and then become distant or cold without much explanation. It felt like I was constantly trying to understand which version of him I was dealing with.
The night before we broke up really stands out to me. We were close, affectionate, and intimate. He was insisting on buying me things while we were out, and everything felt completely normal between us—like we were connected and okay.
The next day, he was completely different. Very cold, emotionally distant, and almost like he was trying to frame everything in a very “logical” or “this is the right decision” kind of way. He came off a righteousness. The breakup came out of nowhere for me, especially after what had just happened the night before.
There was also one specific situation he later brought up as part of why he ended things: he had a day off, and I don’t have a license, so getting to work is difficult for me. I told him I felt a bit hurt that he didn’t want to meet for a quick coffee and give me a ride after he said he just wanted to sleep. I wasn’t trying to pressure him—I was just expressing disappointment in the moment.
He later said that this made him feel like I would always expect him to do things for me or always be available, and that it was too much pressure. But to me, it felt like one isolated moment, not a pattern. What’s been confusing for me is that it feels like he takes moments where I express disappointment or hurt and turns them into a bigger character judgment about me, instead of actually hearing what I’m feeling. I’m not constantly asking him for things, but when I do express something as his girlfriend, it gets reframed as me being “too demanding,” even when it’s just an honest moment of emotion. It starts to feel like instead of empathy, my feelings are treated as evidence against me.
This is especially confusing because at the beginning he presented himself as extremely attentive and caring—almost like a “night in shining armor” type of energy. So when I later express something simple, like feeling disappointed by a lack of care in a moment, it feels like it gets escalated and turned into something extreme, as if it makes me a difficult or unreasonable person.
I’m struggling because it feels like two completely different relationships—the intense affection and closeness, and then this sudden emotional switch and breakup.
I also feel like the connection meant something to me on a very deep level, and the abruptness of how it ended has been hard to process. I also want to be honest that this has been really painful for me because it feels like he seems completely okay and already done, while I’m still really struggling. I don’t understand how someone can go from something as intimate as cuddling, forehead kisses, and emotional closeness to suddenly acting like they want nothing to do with you. It’s been especially hard because I’m still very emotionally affected, and he seems very detached from it all.
I guess I’m just trying to understand if this kind of dynamic sounds like love bombing / hot and cold behavior, or if it’s more likely just incompatibility and I’m having trouble accepting it.