Sorry if this whole thing sounds corny lol, just needed to get it off my chest.
Starting off, my parents kicked me, m20, out the house after I graduated high school, and for the past two years i’ve been living alone while being super broke. I’m working 2 jobs right now (Ship building & Maintenance) just to barely afford what’s probably one of the smallest houses you’ve ever seen along with all my bills, taxes, payments, and other shit. Ive been so exhausted and by the time i get home everyday it’s already time to go to bed for work again. It’s like everyday is the same day over and over again. Work, maybe eat, sleep, repeat. I hate living alone especially since no one i know that’s around my age is doing it yet, and because of the life it’s forced me to have.
I haven’t been eating real well from either being too broke for food or just having no appetite at all, going without eating literally anything at all most days or just a single meal, and it’s caused me to lose a lot of weight that people around me have been noticing (and can’t seem to stop commenting on). I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, I don’t ever wanna see myself in the mirror when i’m shirtless from how much skinnier i’ve gotten.
I don’t know why, but i’ve been pushing people away and ghosting them, it makes me feel like such an asshole for it but it just feels like I can’t breathe. Even lost friends over it and lost my friend group from it and from just not being able to ever hang anymore due to my super tight schedule. I turn down girls cause i feel like i have nothing to offer, especially after my last girlfriend not too long ago cheated on me while i was away (something i’ve never really ever been able to get over). I just feel like a loser and like I have no ambition towards anything.
I can’t really talk about this stuff or any of my problems with anyone without being dismissed or having it taken as a joke, same as it’s always been. Because of that i’ve always been a people pleaser and always have helped people with their problems and feelings because I know how it feels, and it just sucks that I never got any of that in return ever.
I wake up everyday to no notifications on my phone and loneliness, and just feel like i’m drowning in the silence of my own home (whenever i am home, that is). Sometimes on my rare days off, i go a whole day without saying a word and need to check if my voice still even works.
I feel like i’ve never given my parents anything to be proud of me over as i’ve always messed up by getting into fights in and out of school, got caught smoking numerous times, never having the best grades, etc. While on the other hand my two older sisters are super successful, married, have kids, have nice houses in nice neighborhoods, had super good grades, never gotten into any trouble, all that good stuff (before anyone says anything, yes, i know that’s all on me).
Honestly some nights i just sit there trying to cry to let the pressure out but never ever can as i feel like i’ve already accepted the way things are (if that makes sense?? idk).
I feel like i just have the worst luck ever in general recently, from stuff like one of my jobs having a “payment system mess up” so they can’t pay me (and it only happened to me, of course) to the price of my bills suddenly increasing, to my car being rear ended, to messing up my hand pretty badly at work, tree falling on my roof that’s gonna cost me some money i don’t really have, often having to stay later cause of a coworker, finding out people are talking crap about me, and like millions of other things. Hell even just this morning i find out that not only is my cars AC system all of a sudden broken, but my washing machine too (more money to spend at the local washateria, yay!). It just makes me so anxious like one wrong move and i’m living on the streets.
There’s so much other stuff happening in my personal life but I don’t wanna make this thing too long. I overall just feel super drained, lonely, and exhausted everyday, feeling like my life’s not really going anywhere and that i’m wasting my life. I don’t wanna be me. It might sound super corny or cliche, but i genuinely don’t remember the last time i was truly happy with how things are going in my life, like i’ve been just running into brick wall after brick wall after brick wall. My confidence and self-esteem is at an all time low and i just feel like i’ve been stuck between a rock and a hard place for a long long time. I’ve been so stressed out of my mind over it all that i feel like i could explode at any given moment. I’ve tried to tough it out the whole time but that’s just not working anymore. I’m always zoned out, staying up at night thinking, just feeling like a giant heap of shit.
I don’t know if i’m just overreacting to all this and that’s just life, and i’m aware there’s many people out there that have it 100 times worse than me. I just needed to say it out loud, not looking for pity or anything, i’m just tired. I see the way things are going for other people, and it makes me so envious to say the least.
TL;DR
20M kicked out at 18, living by myself, working two jobs to barely survive alone, social issues, endless bad luck, completely stressed, drained, lonely, and feel like I’m wasting my life. Just venting.