My boyfriend cheated on me..... again
☆☆☆ I JUST WANT TO PREFACE THIS, AND APOLOGIZE FOR THE LENGTH OF THIS POST. I AM TERRIBLE AT MAKING A STORY SHORT AND GETTING TO THE POINT, AND UNDERSTAND IF NOBODY WANTS TO READ IT ALL, BUT I HOPE SOME DO, CUZ I NEED ALL THE ADVICE I CAN GET!! THANK YOU!! ☆☆☆
So my boyfriend and I met at work. I had just started a job, and he had been working there for a few years already.
Ill be honest, when I started I really didn't see him like that, nor was I trying to be in a relationship. My fiancé, the love of my life, had passed away 10 years prior and since he had passed away I had not been interested in moving on.
My family had told me it was not healthy, but I did not care.
My heart belonged to him. I could not bring myself to even look at anyone else, and before I knew it 10 years later, I was celibate, but I didnt care, I was happy.
Anyway, a few months into working, out of nowhere he started doing silly things to flirt with me, like reaching out to fist bump me then grabbing and holding my hand, and just putting my jacket on for me at every break. I really thought he was a bit of a douche bag at this point, because he would pull up his beamer right up to the smoking section, roll down his windows and leave his door open and just have his music BLASTED... It was annoying
But for some reason idk why but he started to wear on me, and he asked for my number and I gave it to him. That same day he went home sick and a forklift set a 2000kg bundle on my hand and crushed it good. That night he called to check on me cuz someone told I'm what happened, and from then we talked on the phone for days, and he eventually asked me to hang out. That night he picked me up in his douche-mobile and we grabbed some food and went to the river and just talked all night long. I started to feel a little something, but I I wasn't sure if I was wanting a relationship or not. We kind of agreed we would be 'friends with benefits'
After about a month of that I started to have some real feelings for me, reminding why I've never been 'FWB' before, because I'm not that person, I am a relationship girly. I was afraid to tell him cuz he had previously stated that as per his mother's request, he needs to find and marry a nice childless Chaldean woman, and definitely with no grandchildren. That was not me. I was a nice white woman, with three children and two grandchildren. Finding that out was also when we found out each other's ages. He was 29 years old, and I was 38. I was shocked at the age difference. Soon after without telling him how I feel, we started spending all our time together, before work, during work, after work as well as our days off... We even caught COVID at the same time, and he came and stayed at my place during our quarantine, so he didn't get his parents and siblings sick. We were in a full on relationship, and by this point everyone knew.
Everything was great, until i started to get a feeling in my gut. A feeling that made me sick. Especially when this one filthy nasty biish came around our department, and they started hanging around on breaks all too often. So I called him out on it at home, and he kept denying, but in my gut I knew and I was pissed because we had been together for about 1.5 years at this point... So why now? About a week later he felt really guilty and finally confessed. I asked why, at first he said I'm not his wife, then he said we never said we were exclusive, and he just wanted to see what it was like.. All bullshit. He repeatedly apologized, and told me he regretted it the moment it was done and he didn't want to lose me and blah blah blah...
I decided I would attempt to stay with him and TRY to get past it, but forgiveness was doubtful, but I wasn't sure if I could... We would have to wait and see. My heart was broken. This was the FIRST man I had been with after 10 years of celibacy, the first man I had the courage to allow myself to have feelings for after losing my fiancé, and he destroyed my heart. I know its my fault, because when I love someone, I love them HARD, with every fiber of my being, and I'm 'Ride or Die' loyal, and will do ANYTHING for the people I love.
I was eventually able to get past the whole ordeal, and stayed with him. He stayed 1000% loyal after that. Without me even asking, he started telling me where he was, what he was doing, and would call me on face time and just stay on the phone with me constantly.
Then a couple years ago I was injured and was working light duty then massive lay offs were happening and I was among the many that were let go, and he was not I was so happy for him that he wasn't laid off, even though I was devastated that I was. But I looked at it like a fresh start. I was going to collect my e.i. while my knee recovered then start over somewhere new.
Somewhere during this time, I began to get severely depressed, and was having extreme panic and anxiety attacks. I started not wanting to be near anyone, I just wanted to be in my bed in the dark 24hrs a day. He was really worried about me, and was checking on me all the time, but unfortunately for him, I just did not want to have sex. I was not interested at all, and for us that was crazy, because we always had an incredibly healthy sex life, and it was honestly the best sex either of us has ever had. A lot of our friends told us that the amount of sex we were having was not normal and unhealthy, which is crazy, because there is no such thing as 'too much' sex, right?? lol
Anyhow, at this point we went from having 'too much' sex to no sex pretty much over night and it is my fault. I was just so depressed and was beginning to have some health issues on top of everything else, and all of this has continued to this day, but I have been working on it and am slowly getting better.
This past December I had to move out of my apartment because my e.i. has ran out, and my health issues have not been resolved, and I unfortunately had to move in with my mom. This is an extremely difficult thing for me to do.
Shortly after I moved into my mom's, he had come over and I had finally given in to having sex with him, and its not because I didn't want it, I just couldn't. I think anyone who's been in deep depression can understand the feeling. And it's not been fair to him, he's not had any sexual activities for nearly 2 years until this January. That was the first and last time, but more so because of timing, my mom being around, my daughter coming over to spend time with me, and a handful of other reasons. Still its been unfair to him...
So anyway, he's been having pain in his right side, thinking he may have an ulcer, so this past Thursday he had an ultrasound after work. After the ultrasound, he had stayed to see the Dr, and while he was waiting he face timed me, and while talking to him I immediately knew something was off. I could just tell. I asked him what's up, and he just said he was tired (because he had just worked a 12 hour shift (6³⁰p-6³⁰a) and then stayed awake to go to his appointment at 10:30 am), but i knew that wasn't it, and I told him, "I know what you look and act like when you are tired, this is not that. Something is on your mind, what is it? What is bothering you?" and he continued to say the same thing, that he was tired... so I just let it go knowing something was buggin him, but it wasn't the time or place to get into it.
Fast forward to last night, we were on face time, but I was exhausted. I hadn't slept more than 2-3hrs in the last couple days, and my neighbor across the street that my mom and I have been helping take care of, had passed away yesterday evening in his home. So at this point it was like 9-10pm, and I just dozed off on the phone and my battery died. I woke around 1³⁰am got my phone charged and turned on and noticed 4 missed face times and a message that reads "babe call me". So I did. And immediately he says to me, "you know how you're so smart, and know when something is wrong?" In my head I'm like 'are you friggin kidding me'?? But I just said yes why, and he proceeded to tell me he had something to tell me but got silent. I felt it in my gut right away. I told him I was starting to feel sick and to just say it and he responded with silence. Again I said "Just say it! You already started, you cant go back now... Get it over with!!! You cheated on me right??" He replied with a nod, and as he began to say something else I hung up on him.
He proceeded to try calling me, and I declined each time. Then he would message me to answer and just 'hear him out', 'I'm in trouble' and I just said no I couldn't see him or listen to him at the moment, that I needed time.
He then had the audacity to tell me that "I understand but I dont give up on you through your darkest times and I know u dont cheat
Am fucked am hitting the lowest
I made a bad decision that I didn't even enjoy I was kinda desperate
We haven't been intimate for long time and it drove me crazy but God punished me ,that's why I want u to be there for me ,I trust babe ,u are my soul mate" I then said something I regret and wish I wouldn't have said, but I said "I hope you got an std" which i know what wrong and stupid of me to say.
He continued to try and call I told him if he cared about me even a little he will give me time, cuz I wasn't ready to hear him out, and he then said he hopes when he goes to sleep he doesn't wake up, which has been making me feel sick, sad and awful and as if I'm the one doing something wrong.
So what I need to know is, should I give him a chance to explain himself?
Should I give him another chance?
What would you do?
Am I an idiot for giving him a chance the first time?
I feel so broken and confused and I'm filled with a heartache that is unbearable....
Please HELP!!!