I am 21 (F) and today I found out my husband 23 (M) paid $100 last night to buy adult webcam services. I am out of town on vacation with my family. My husband stayed at home because he couldn’t get the time off work and that way he could feed the pets and take care of the house. I have called him every night for the past two days talking to him. Last night I got super tired and he explained how tired he was too. We hung up and went to sleep. This morning I wake up and find a $100 bank charge from a random company. I immediately screenshot and send to my husband. I then lookup the company on google and I’m shocked to find it says “adult entertainment services” so of course I then texted my husband “your joking” he replied, “I don’t know baby” I text “don’t play dumb, it was sent to your email” then he says “I’m looking at it, I don’t know baby” so I said “it’s suspicious that this charge happened while I’m gone” to which he replied “I understand it’s suspicious” so I said “you can’t say it wasn’t you. Was it a video game?” He finally fessed up saying “you’re right it was me, I’m sorry. I have no excuse it was credits for an adult webcam, I’m so sorry” my response was of course one of anger telling him that I’m done and that he cheated. He replied-
“Look I need to be fully honest with you even if it hurts, for a long time I have been watching porn, off and on, I have periods where I go from watching it to not watching it. I’ve actually been working so hard to finally quit watching and I know this is a silent battle that you haven’t seen, it’s hard for you to trust me and I understand what I’m doing can hurt us, I’m sorry for doing that this morning I’ve been wanting to get a therapist but I didn’t know how to justify me needing a therapist for myself and not just a couples therapist. I love you and I know that’s hard to believe but I’ve been trying to work up the courage to tell you everything because I know I need help. I have a genuine addiction and I’m sorry that this is the way you found out instead of me being able to tell you on my own. Im kind of glad you found out but I hate that I didn’t get to tell you. I wanted to tell you in person and tell you I was doing better, I faultered last night and I’m so sorry. I will be better for you I don’t want you to feel the way you do right now and it’s not fair that I’ve done this to you. I’ve been afraid to tell you because I know how you feel about this and there was the potential I could lose everything… I can’t bear to lose you but I understand that there are consequences to my actions I really do love you, I mean it, and I’ve been focusing my everything into you lately which is probably part of the reason we’ve been doing so good. I will get a therapist and if you would like to we can do couples therapy as well. I just need you to know that I love you and I’m terribly sorry for what I’ve done.”
This threw up off. In the past he’s begged me to stay etc etc. Now he’s so content he’s like “hey I know I messed up but I’m glad I was caught” Why does he sound so content in his actions. Like he’s come to terms with whatever happens to us. He later begged me not to leave but this was weird to me still. Why fess up for everything and then say no problem either way- stay or divorce me.
He literally paid to watch another woman. We’ve had multiple texts since then. I’ve explained how I don’t want to see him when I return and he begs me not to tell anyone and that it’ll be obvious if he’s not at home. He dosent want me telling my family that I’m on vacation with because if I decide to stay with him he dosent want them to hate him. We’ve agreed on therapy for him before I decide.
In the past I’ve found rated R pictures on his phone at least 3 times now, messages to other woman that are just friendly but feel unnecessary, and he’s constantly getting emails to join or watch some girl. Not awful but who really wants all of that from their husband. Each time I find pictures I’ve debating leaving. It breaks my heart, ruins my self confidence and messes with our relationship. Previous to this incident, I caught him in the bathroom with his laptop. I wasn’t really mad about this, more numb and literally laughed, but I mean he was so embarrassed. He literally gave me his phone for a couple days before I decided it didn’t matter if I had his phone it mattered what he chose to do with it. Plus there’s the fact that he still had his laptop. So of course I gave it back.
For more context we are both super religious, we’ve been preached the importance of intimacy with each other and only each other. We’ve taken marriage classes and religious classes together all through college and loved what we learned. We do not have a bad sex life at all. Seriously it’s that good. It had a low when I got pregnant and had our baby but our child is over a year old, our sex life has come back full swing in the past months. I guess that’s why this hurts more. Because it wasn’t like I was holding out on him, like I did freshly postpartum. I’ve been buying more lingerie, we’ve been trying more positions, etc etc. Anyhow our connection is stronger than ever (before this) and our sex life was the best it’s been.
My husband has had a porn addiction when we were teenagers and every couple years I catch him, we fight, we makeup. Every time I receive promises of him “never doing this again” and “last time” promises. Every time he does this I feel like I’m not enough or not pretty enough. I’ve grown up with very bad insecurities ur to being in a fire as a child. However we met in middle school, starting dating in high school and he’s slowly loosened my insecurities. It wasn’t his job to do so but he definitely fixed my confidence. So every time he watches porn, lies about it and/or messages other woman (just because he wants more friends), I feel like I am worthless and deserve this emotional torture. He is seriously the best husband besides this, I know I can’t find better. He’s handsome, takes care of me in every way, loves our child, and is so sweet to my extended family. I also don’t want to break up out family over a genuine addiction and problem that needs help. He would literally get me the moon if I wanted. But because he’s so amazing in every other context I have felt like I have had to deal with this.
Another quick thing- we were taught to do everything sexually together, not alone. And honestly this had been great advice. Even if one of us is in the mood we’d still help each other or be there. If I ever did anything by myself I would tell him and apologize. No porn or videos on my end though. Anyways he was always so kind and supportive if I fessed up. It sucks knowing he couldn’t feel like he could come to me, but I now know why he was always so kind to me afterwards- because he was doing much worse. He mentioned in a call that he didn’t have the right time to tell me. But one of these moments where I came to him would have been a good time for him to fess up as well, but for months he kept quiet.
Now that I was out of town he goes even farther, he spends money on paying for webcam services. The other porn videos always felt like cheating. Even emotional cheating, if you will, but this feels more real. Is this cheating in your opinion? What do I do?
He has a therapist meeting this afternoon that specializes in this type of addiction. But what do I do about me? He’s getting all the help to work on himself but I do I wait to see improvement from him? Do I let him stay in the home with me and our baby when I feel cheated on? We live Nextdoor to family so if he’s not at home our family would know something is wrong with us and ask questions. Despite living Nextdoor to family we are quite private and don’t feel the need to discuss important matters like this with my parents or my in laws. So even though I want space I feel like I can’t have any without people wanting to know our business.
I’m getting on a flight home tonight and I’m so anxious. I’m upset. I originally told him to be out of the house when I got home out of anger. I’ve since retracted that but what do you guys think I should do? Does he deserve another chance now that he’s actually getting help for an addiction?
If I stay with him what should I do to repair our relationship? I can’t talk to anyone about this so I feel really alone. I don’t want to talk to family or friends because I don’t want them seeing my husband in a different light. He’s also asked me not share anything until we figure out our future.
I posted to a different thread and was told I was crazy to throw everything away. And then some that said also long as he’s not emotionally attached so it’s fine. But I’m really needing help so any and all advice will be listened to. It’s very much appreciated, even if it’s the opposite of how I’m feeling. Am I crazy??