Sorry if this has been asked before, but in the online regular race mode, does collecting coins actually do anything? If so, I haven’t noticed or I’m just a huge n00b, just curious! 🍄
Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 41. I’ve had depression all my life. But now I’m spiraling. Having a breakdown. Been this way since December…a steady climb until the inevitable break down…a collapse. I don’t know who I am anymore. This is months in the making. I shouldn’t feel this way. I have a pretty cushy life. Supportive friends, great spouse, stable income, just got my Bachelors, great animals, nice car, so why am I so depressed? I’ve pushed away all of my friends, even my spouse. He’s the nicest guy on the planet, he just wants to fix everything, but this is not fixable. I’ve hurt so many people. I’m selfish. I’m a bitch for no reason. I can’t eat. I’ve lost 20 pounds. Nothing makes me feel whole. I feel like a ghost, a shell, I can’t get out of my head and it’s so loud and chaotic in there. I’ve talked to my therapist and psychiatrist. I take my medications regularly. I know I have friends and family that love me, but I don’t feel that. And it’s not a, “oh woe is me, tell me more about how you love me,” because I genuinely one hundred percent do not believe it. I just don’t know who I am. I don’t think I ever have. I never feel understood. People claim to. And maybe they do understand, but I don’t feel that either. I have no identity, and the one I’ve had is terrible. I have done things that warrant serious consequences (don’t worry, nothing harmful or illegal or anything, just me being an effing asshole). I’ve lived selfishly and have been cold-hearted. I’ve completely ruined 20 year friendships because of my stupidity. I don’t enjoy hurting people.
I’ve tried everything. Meds. Doctors. Friends. Exercise. Diet. Sex. Meditation. Hobbies. Being outdoors. Being alone, being with family, and friends….but nothing quiets my brain. Nothing feels right, I never feel satiated. Why? I feel uncomfortable when things are going well. So I sabotage everything. Myself, relationships, and eventually I’m sure it will be at a detriment. I am not self harming or having thoughts, although it may appear that way, I’m not. I just don’t know where else to put this and have already cried my eyes out to my spouse…he does his best but I’m sure this is a lot for him. Nonetheless, he is very supportive but this is out of his wheelhouse. I just want to feel better. Thanks for reading.
Today’s my birthday. I turned 41. I’ve had depression all my life. But now I’m spiraling. Having a breakdown. Been this way since December…a steady climb until the inevitable break down…a collapse. I don’t know who I am anymore. This is months in the making. I shouldn’t feel this way. I have a pretty cushy life. Supportive friends, great spouse, stable income, just got my Bachelors, great animals, nice car, so why am I so depressed? I’ve pushed away all of my friends, even my spouse. He’s the nicest guy on the planet, he just wants to fix everything, but this is not fixable. I’ve hurt so many people. I’m selfish. I’m a bitch for no reason. I can’t eat. I’ve lost 20 pounds. Nothing makes me feel whole. I feel like a ghost, a shell, I can’t get out of my head and it’s so loud and chaotic in there. I’ve talked to my therapist and psychiatrist. I take my medications regularly. I know I have friends and family that love me, but I don’t feel that. And it’s not a, “oh woe is me, tell me more about how you love me,” because I genuinely one hundred percent do not believe it. I just don’t know who I am. I don’t think I ever have. I never feel understood. People claim to. And maybe they do understand, but I don’t feel that either. I have no identity, and the one I’ve had is terrible. I have done things that warrant serious consequences (don’t worry, nothing harmful or illegal or anything, just me being an effing asshole). I’ve lived selfishly and have been cold-hearted. I’ve completely ruined 20 year friendships because of my stupidity. I don’t enjoy hurting people.
I’ve tried everything. Meds. Doctors. Friends. Exercise. Diet. Sex. Meditation. Hobbies. Being outdoors. Being alone, being with family, and friends….but nothing quiets my brain. Nothing feels right, I never feel satiated. Why? I feel uncomfortable when things are going well. So I sabotage everything. Myself, relationships, and eventually I’m sure it will be at a detriment. I am not self harming or having thoughts, although it may appear that way, I’m not. I just don’t know where else to put this and have already cried my eyes out to my spouse…he does his best but I’m sure this is a lot for him. Nonetheless, he is very supportive but this is out of his wheelhouse. I just want to feel better. I don’t necessarily need advice or comments or anything, just typing into the void. Thanks for reading.