u/Inner-Researcher9663

I am 5’5” and do not believe I have dysmorphia, which seems unusual compared to most of the posts I’ve seen.

I started trauma therapy (EMDR) last October. Reopening my childhood wounds reopened my coping mechanisms including >!SH!< and restriction. I was on a gradual loss from an average weight >!124!< mostly bc my appetite disappeared. I was happy about it.

Then I got really sick in February and lost >!3-4!< pounds in like a week. Ever since, I’ve been counting calories and restricting to >!+\-1000 mostly liquid calories!<. I am on my way to my lowest weight since college >!(I used to go weeks w/o real food)!<, and I don’t recognize my body anymore. I’m >!106!< now, dropping about >!1 lb/wk!< still. I was under >!100!< in college, so it’s not awful I guess?

I feel like I look unhealthy. I have two daughters. I work full time and am in grad school. I don’t want this.

But I can’t seem to stop the counting.

I can’t handle the number going up and I can’t handle it going down. I don’t know what to do or if the problem is big enough to get help bc I never have before. My therapist has stopped EMDR because I told him it was triggering restriction and now I’m scared I will lose any hope of healing my mind.

I have been seeing a wonderful therapist who has had me in EMDR for like 8 months. I had been in general remission of my (assumed but never diagnosed) ED for most of ten years up to this point. Something about bringing up the traumas that formed me apparently reignited my restriction. It was getting worse and I finally told them (I thought maybe it was a normal side effect). At first they said if I could increase a little bit, and slow down the loss, we could continue the EMDR work… but two weeks later and even though I tried, I still kept losing and now he says we have to stop because my mind can’t process these traumas when my body is constantly fighting for basic survival (a bit dramatic I think).

I’m just feeling so defeated, because I WAS trying, I just wasn’t given any tools to handle the emotional reaction I had when I thought about increasing intake. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if I really have a problem that warrants this.

I should have kept lying. I’m too old for this crap, a mother of two, and it just feels like I’ve sabotaged my only hope of ever being better mentally.