The pain of being secure
I was discarded 11 months ago by my FA ex. 5 months ago, I told him that I was stepping back to care for myself until he was ready to schedule the repair visit he had asked for and agreed to 4 times…but never showed up for.
He got in touch recently, and yesterday sent me a message telling me that “I hadn’t been as responsive,” and tried to shift the blame of us being out of contact onto me. My boundary was clear, no repair, no access. He chose not to show up for me, but wants to show up for me now.
Unfortunately, there is a lot of testing behaviour; he’s trying to control the narrative to circumvent accountability. He wants to know if I’m still available to him, and if I’ve been with anyone else.
I love him. I am available to him. I haven’t been with anyone else. I want to reconcile.
BUT I need to see that he can take accountability for himself.
So, now I have to send a message that corrects the reframe, reassures him that I care about him, but also reasserts my boundary. I can do that skilfully and gently, but my goodness…the fear of knowing that he could disengage, and leaving me having after 11 months hurts so badly. I could respond like a DA, and I know he would chase. I could respond like in an AP, and I know he would feel reassured, and continue with attachment behavioural sans accountability. Neither of those are an alignment with my core values. Neither of those protect me.
It’s not like my boundary is new. You can’t actually reframe me setting a boundary, and stepping back into me abandoning him… It’s just so far removed from the reality of our situation. I’m not willing to argue with him about it. I’m not willing to be drawn into reframing. I’m disappointed that he’s repeating patterns, and I’m also really sad. I don’t want to be in this position. I just want him to show up. Just show up… With the accountability… With all of the unknowns, and live with the discomfort of what that actually means just like I am. It’s a huge emotional load to be secure, and yes I have the capacity to process it and get through it, and I know I’m going to be OK… That doesn’t make it easy. It doesn’t lighten the load. It doesn’t make me less fearful of losing somebody that I adore, and I want to reconcile with. I think I’m just tired of being secure because I know that a different dynamic might be more strategic, but I just can’t do it. It hurts.