u/Inquisitive-Clover

I just wanna start this out by saying, I have never had feelings for anyone like I’ve had feelings for this man… I’ve never considered cheating before I met him. I just fell for him, body mind and soul.

I’m not saying he was perfect, I’m not saying I wish things would’ve worked out… but what’s been weighing on my heart is that I was so shitty.

When I found out his secret, I judged him, tried to take the moral high road, even threatened to tell his wife… I was splitting in half morally myself and a lot of it was projection about the feelings I was having about myself. Discretion and compassion were not in my arsenal. I just assumed he was a horrible person for cheating on what I thought was a perfect marriage…. Until my marriage got hard. Until I got lonely. Until wanting an affair partner consumed my thoughts. I told him he was fucked up and I’ve never said that to another human being in my whole life.

I loved him so hard, and I just treated him like shit. Over and over and over, every time he refused to admit to me that he wanted an affair with me, I just felt more and more rejected.

I’m scared that my karma is, I won’t ever be able to feel that much for another man again. It took almost a year of not seeing him before I seriously considered moving on.

Now I’m just in their weird place where I am moving on, without him, in the very place he was- that I said I would never actually go.

I’m not having trouble compartmentalizing the guilt I have for wanting to cheat on my husband, but how I treated my emotional affair partner? I am overwhelmed with guilt and shame.

For some context, I’ve never cheated, and I don’t believe he has either. He and his wife are separated, and he is trying to make things work with her. I am not trying to leave my marriage.

I like him, and I want him to be my affair partner. I’ve been thinking about this for a little over a year, and I know that I want to do this, but finding the right person and communicating what I want is really tripping me up.

I don’t want anything sleazy, I am very picky and I want to be affectionate. You might even say that I’m hoping I fall in love- although I’ve read about how that’s probably a bad idea. But I’m happy my loveless marriage. My husband makes good money and he treats me well. He doesn’t really want sex, but other than that we are happy. (Please no judgement)

There’s a connection building between this man and I at the gym… the only problem is that I really don’t know what to do with it. I invited him to a workout class somewhere else, and he didn’t take the bait. But like all the signs of interest are there. He comes up to me all the time he laughs at everything I say even when I’m not joking around…. Goofy smile every day when he sees me… but what do I do with this? Do I tell him? Also, I was hoping for a kinky AP. Should I ask him if he’s into any kinks? Since we have good chemistry already, should I just let things build naturally?

Thanks so much for reading all this.