really struggling
last night i was feeling kind of off with my bf and not attracted which made me uncomfortable and then i started thinking maybe im just not attracted and this isnt the right relationship kind of thing and i kept shaking my head and trying to dismiss it but then i got this sense of ‘this is true’ and a feeling like i wanted to listen to it bc i was like maybe i do actually want to
leave and i’ll be unhappy if i stay and maybe i am just unhappy but then moments later i was like no i obviously don’t and i know now i don’t but the doubt is still there and then i saw that theres a course event and a guy i spoke to once will be there who ive obsessed over worrying i liked in the past and i had a thought like this is your last chance to see him again and be with him and i felt mildly panicked bc i was like do i want that? and i was worried i did but i was shaking my head like no i dont want it but i felt like i did and i felt like a pull to think about it but now im like no obviously not i love my bf and this guy means nothing to me i think its just the fear that me and my bf will break up amd i’ll end up alone so my brain was like ‘this is your only chance to not be alone bc you’ll never see this guy agin so you have to decide’ but i dont want that to happen at all and i dont want to leave my bf im just worried i dont love him and i feel like such a huge fake. I feel awful for rven thinking about this but i dont want to hurt him and i feel like i’m shallow and ungrateful and mean and it’s not in my values to be that way but when i feel like i’m not attracted it makes me panic and i dont understand why but i just assume it means i’ll be really unhappy or that i am unhappy. THEN i thought: i’m not justifying it but if im terrified of being in the wrong relationship and of being alone does make sense if i have a thought like that about someone that it would be very difficult to not engage with right? and it would feel like its almost necessary bc if it is true im not attracted and not in love then i need to protect myself from being alone, thats how it feels, but that doesnt mean i actually want it or emdorse it right? i knkw i love my bf, but having just said all of that now I feel like I’m trying to justify scanning for alternatives which is horrible and i dont want to do that but i think a part of me does just to prevent me ending up alone but that goes against my values and i know i want to stay with my bf and i always come back to that after the spiral and start spiralling about how i could even think i wanted to leave and i feel so guilty