I go out of my way to be abused. To be talked down to. To be degraded. I seek out negative attention, especially sexual. I come from a place of severe sexual trauma, and I often feel like the only way to feel good… is to continue the trauma. I feel broken inside. I know the BPD causes most of this. Can anyone relate?
When I was a little kid, my mom used to leave me at her friend’s house. Her friend was married and had four children, and she worked with my mom. So my mom and her friend would work, and the husband babysat me along with keeping his kids. I remember bits and pieces of my time in that house. Notably, I remember being exposed to pornography in the form of a dirty magazine. I remembered, after EMDR therapy, seeing his son undressed. I remembered him touching me. I remembered another time when my mom left me at another friend’s house and I woke up freezing, residing to climbing into bed with a strange man. I remember waking up one morning at home, when some of my mom’s friends were staying with us, and feeling like my body had been used. I remember the feeling of the teenager who grabbed my bottom at the water park in eighth grade. I remember the first time the man I married used me in my sleep. I remember the time he held me down. I remembered the time he made me throw up and then smacked me as I dissociated. I remember the way the man who blackmailed me used my nudes as a way to control me. I remembered all the times that sex has been used as a weapon against me and I ask myself… why? Why have I fallen into this trap?
Tell me, too, why it has led to me being addicted to being destroyed and used by others. Why am I addicted to being misused? What has caused this?