u/IntelligentTutor5155

my (24NB) brother (26M) has been with his now fiancé (32?F) for 11 months. during this time i’ve only met her twice (mainly because of distance! i moved states and my brother and i communicate mainly through calls and texts).

purely speculation, but i believe she was drunk the first time i met her. i can’t confirm this but her and my brother both like to drink (she is a bartender, they met at their job) and her behavior resembled someone who was under the influence.

the other times i’ve met her have been fine; i do think she is very polite and nice! sometimes her and my brother “play” argued in front of me and my husband, which was slightly uncomfortable, but i brushed it off as them having a different relationship dynamic. we were also all drinking that night.

my brother and i have always been close. my family has never been perfect, but from what i know he has a better relationship with them than i do.

the reason i mention this is because my brother’s pulled away recently. my mom told me she hardly sees him anymore and that he doesn’t tell her things (which is expected! he’s in a relationship and growing up). she didn’t know he was going to propose to his gf until the day it happened. he didn’t even tell me; i found out through a facebook post his fiancé made.

my baby shower is coming up soon. i offered for him and his fiancé to stay at my husband and i’s house. he eventually told me his fiancé wanted to get an airbnb so that they weren’t “intruding” and also so that she could have a place to wind down. while i understand this 100%, it took at least a month to confirm these plans with my brother, which was strange.

also, the original plan was for him, his fiancé, my mom, and my little sister to all drive up in a rental. i found out from my sister (who is 10) that my brother and his fiancé decided to rent a different car and drive up by themselves, which does not make any sense to me since they’re going to the same location.

i’m wondering if i’m overthinking. is this just a case of my brother and i getting older? do i just not know her that well? is it my place to tell my brother my concerns?

i’m also going to try and get to know her more at the baby shower, which might help!

thank you for reading if you have! any thoughts are appreciated.

I have been best friends with (let’s call them) J for five or so years now. Our friendship started off a bit rocky considering we did date for some months. Afterwards, we had a codependency to each other which we have since worked out as time has passed. I also have autism, which can often make friendships a little harder to navigate.

Being honest, I don’t think I was a good friend in the beginnings of our friendship. No excuses for it. I didn’t take the time to listen to people or care for what others had to say. Since going on medication, I can say my attitude towards friendships has certainly improved and I have taken time to try and better myself, as I am quite ashamed of who I was in the past. I have also spoke with J about this before and they told me I have gotten better.

A lot of things have happened in my life since then. I met my now amazing spouse and we’re now pregnant with our first child. We moved to a new place miles away from where I used to live. In the time before we moved, I tried to spend as much as I could with J, knowing the impact long distance might have on our friendship. I didn’t want them to think I was abandoning them (we had been living together up until I met my spouse). I care about them a lot and wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt them.

Recently, our friendship has seemed to change. Every time I try and engage with J, it feels like I’m speaking to a brick wall. Every time I make a decision in my life (for example, having my child), it’s met with tons of judgment from J which has led to difficult conversations. J also brings up things from the past (like my uncertainty with my sexuality which led to our breakup) as if it still bothers them, but they don’t tell me if it actually does and leave it as a “joke” I can’t understand. They are also not very kind to my spouse, which my spouse has claimed to be “playful banter” (but I’m not sure if he’s saying this to be nice).

I also tell myself that the changes in my life happened so quickly, and I know that J does care about me and their reactions come from a place of concern.

Despite how many conversations I have with J, trying to be open and honest about our feelings, the end results are the same. Brick wall. No engagement. It feels like we’re in two different stages of life and things between us are dwindling.

I’m not sure what to do. I can’t be the only one trying to hold up our friendship anymore, but if I “give up” I feel like I would be slipping back into how I used to be in the past.

Thank you for reading, if you have. Any advice would be appreciated. If you have any questions or need clarifications (since I didn’t want to clog the post with tiny details), I’d be happy to answer.