u/Intelligent_Buy_1284

Hey,

I wanted to say that I’m truly sorry.

I know it’s too late to say this, but you deserve this apology.

In the past month, I’ve been in a lot of pain and tried to understand what made you want to leave.

And honestly… I finally get it.

I understood why you said you didn’t feel like you had my support anymore.

I understood why you said we fought in an unhealthy way.

I can see now that you shared along the way that something wasn’t working.

I see that I was wrong. I disappointed you.

I admit it.

I’m sorry that every time we argued, I got defensive.

I’m sorry that I raised my voice.

I’m sorry that I took your attempts to feel safer and happier in the relationship as a threat to who I am.

I’m sorry that every fight left you feeling smaller, more hurt, and weaker.

I’m sorry that day-to-day I minimized my reactions and my feelings toward you so you wouldn’t leave — because being truly open scared me.

I’m sorry that I carried around small, stupid things inside me every day and eventually exploded on you.

I’m sorry you had to carry your difficulties alone for so long that you eventually went silent and couldn’t talk about it anymore.

I’m sorry that every time you brought up something that hurt or bothered you, I challenged you instead of listening.

I’m sorry I couldn’t just let go of my blinders and truly enjoy the trip with you. That’s what you really deserved.

Fuck… I wouldn’t have wanted to stay in a relationship like that either.

I deeply regret that I didn’t make you feel truly accepted for who you are, and that you had endless support from me.

The biggest thing I’ve realized is that in the end, it doesn’t matter what you do in life — only who you do it with.

I regret so much that you had to leave for me to finally see all of this.

Thank you.

I’m not perfect. I have a lot of things to work on.

Regret without change will just mean I keep repeating the same mistakes…

I hope you’re smiling a lot and that you’re happy.

Love.

Do you love me?

If yes, then we don’t just give up on it.

Because you’re not guaranteed to find this again.

Not in the same way.

And if you say that love isn’t enough,

then I disagree with you.

Love as just a feeling isn’t enough.

But love as an action, as a conscious choice — that’s something else.

Waking up in the morning and texting your partner “good morning, I love you” even if he wasn’t the first thing on your mind, because you know it makes him feel good — that’s a conscious action.

Fighting with him over something that’s important to you and explaining it in depth until he truly understands what you want — because you want him to understand and you want him to stay — that’s a conscious action.

Seeing your partner and suddenly realizing there are things he does that you don’t like, and then choosing to try and see it in a positive light instead of building resentment — that’s a conscious action.

Knowing that you hurt your partner (because it happens to everyone eventually), understanding it, understanding why, and then taking active steps to show it won’t happen again, apologizing, and not holding it against him — because it’s okay to get hurt and there’s no need to be afraid of him — that’s a conscious action.

Understanding that your personal future and the way you imagined building a family don’t fully match your partner’s, and then choosing to change, adapt, and even give up some things — because what matters most to you in the future is your partner and who you experience life with — that’s a conscious action.

I was willing, and I’m still willing, to do all of these things.

For you, for me, for us.

I love you.

And I want you to be honest with me.

Do you love me?

This is the kind of love I want for myself.

Now the real question:

Is it even okay to send her this?

Is it right to ask this of her at all?

It’s been a month since the breakup, and every time I tried to get closer in the last two months (even before the breakup) it only pushed her further away.

Is it legitimate to do this?

Is it fair to me?

Is it fair to her?

Does it actually move me forward and answer my needs?

Is it even logical to try to convince someone to come back to a relationship after they said no? Or will they just stick to their decision forever, no matter what, because going back would hurt their ego or their self-image in front of their surroundings?

Is this a reasonable thing to write?

Would a reasonable person read this letter and actually be moved by it?

I’m thinking of sending it to her by email / WhatsApp / registered letter.

On the other hand, I’m scared she’ll just block me :/I’m

Do you love me?

If yes, then we don’t just give up on it.

Because you’re not guaranteed to find this again.

Not in the same way.

And if you say that love isn’t enough,

then I disagree with you.

Love as just a feeling isn’t enough.

But love as an action, as a conscious choice — that’s something else.

Waking up in the morning and texting your partner “good morning, I love you” even if he wasn’t the first thing on your mind, because you know it makes him feel good — that’s a conscious action.

Fighting with him over something that’s important to you and explaining it in depth until he truly understands what you want — because you want him to understand and you want him to stay — that’s a conscious action.

Seeing your partner and suddenly realizing there are things he does that you don’t like, and then choosing to try and see it in a positive light instead of building resentment — that’s a conscious action.

Knowing that you hurt your partner (because it happens to everyone eventually), understanding it, understanding why, and then taking active steps to show it won’t happen again, apologizing, and not holding it against him — because it’s okay to get hurt and there’s no need to be afraid of him — that’s a conscious action.

Understanding that your personal future and the way you imagined building a family don’t fully match your partner’s, and then choosing to change, adapt, and even give up some things — because what matters most to you in the future is your partner and who you experience life with — that’s a conscious action.

I was willing, and I’m still willing, to do all of these things.

For you, for me, for us.

I love you.

And I want you to be honest with me.

Do you love me?

This is the kind of love I want for myself.

Now the real question:

Is it even okay to send her this?

Is it right to ask this of her at all?

It’s been a month since the breakup, and every time I tried to get closer in the last two months (even before the breakup) it only pushed her further away.

Is it legitimate to do this?

Is it fair to me?

Is it fair to her?

Does it actually move me forward and answer my needs?

Is it even logical to try to convince someone to come back to a relationship after they said no? Or will they just stick to their decision forever, no matter what, because going back would hurt their ego or their self-image in front of their surroundings?

Is this a reasonable thing to write?

Would a reasonable person read this letter and actually be moved by it?

I’m thinking of sending it to her by email / WhatsApp / registered letter.

On the other hand, I’m scared she’ll just block me :/

I think I'm still searching for an opening.

I'm holding on tightly to the hope that if I write a hundred letters and send them to her, she'll come back. If I send her flowers on her birthday, she'll come back.

I'll keep writing the letters every week at the exact spot where we had our first date. But the question that keeps coming up is: will she actually come back if I send them? More honestly, what would she feel?

If I put myself in her shoes, it probably looks desperate, right?
But it feels like anything I do now or later to try and reconnect will look desperate anyway.

Why can't I just ignore all these mind games about what people will think, about ego, and simply do what’s burning inside me?

I want to send her these letters on her birthday. I want to be bold, reckless, and stupid out of love.

If it hurts her, it’ll prove to me that she’s not even willing to consider coming back and that she’s truly gone.
Or maybe it’ll just be me experiencing rejection again? And I’ll keep holding onto hope forever?

I accept that she’s gone, but it’s so hard for me to accept that there’s nothing I can do about it.

Sometimes I catch myself hoping that something even harder will happen in my life — that maybe, God forbid, there’ll be an accident, or something in my surroundings will collapse, or something will happen to me (not death, God forbid). Maybe then the pain and difficulty I feel would feel justified, and I could finally be at peace with hurting this much and truly having no control over it — because it would be circumstantial.

It amazes me that I’m in the denial stage precisely at the end of the loop. It’s supposed to start like this, but with me, it usually begins with acceptance and deep sadness, only to turn into denial and suffering later. I just can’t internalize that there’s no way to change this.

Am I delusional for thinking this way?

Even going for a run tears me apart.
I burst into tears so easily.
I just want someone to stay. I want her to stay.
I want someone to see me and accept me exactly as I am.

Is it really like everyone says? Just something temporary? Some kind of delusion I need to wake up from?
Why isn’t this the truth instead: that you put all your eggs in one basket, that you love and accept everything, that you hold onto hope even when nothing makes sense anymore? Why do all the big moments in life ultimately come down to someone else’s decision?

The big trip really changed my perspective.
I barely care anymore about what I do — only who I do it with. I’m scared of being alone. This is new for me.

After the run, I’m a bit calmer. I’m thinking about whether the message I sent to our mutual friend — asking to hear a bit more about my ex's side one day — was a bit too much.

When I’m in this flooded emotional state, I feel everything at full intensity and sometimes struggle to channel it effectively into words or actions. I think that specific message was written nicely, but in those moments, my mind is only focused on the now — how I feel right now, what I want right now — and I sometimes can’t see the future or the other person’s perspective. And even when I can see it, it doesn’t always matter to me.

That’s why I’m scared that this breakup isn’t just because we’re not compatible. Maybe I hurt her consistently. Maybe I wasn’t attentive enough to her. Maybe I didn’t notice how she needed love and stayed in fights that were hard for her because I couldn’t fight with her properly. Maybe I kept showing her that her feelings were simply an inconvenience to my ego.

Maybe I was manipulative in my own ways because I wanted her to stay, while she just wanted to stay and love me innocently — and I wasn’t present enough to see it. All of this just makes me want to know the real truth from her side. That’s why I sent the message to our mutual friend.