Limerence and Rebounds-My Thoughts.
Hello all, this is my first post in his subreddit and as someone who has a child with a limerent drunk ex, I have noticed a lot of glaring red flags I wanted to share with people.
Firstly, my ex and I had been with each other for 7 years, recently moved in together in 2024, and were looking forward to a good life after experiencing years of trauma in our lives (family, friends etc). We argued, laughed, like regular couples, even went through our fair share of blocking each other when severely pissed. But it made us stronger, we had this common mutual shared love that was built on years of hard work, genuine reciprocity and realising that human beings are flawed creatures who WILL make mistakes. Our own parents did and when we were able to see that accountability is one of the highest purest forms of love you can have for someone, a lot of our problems became easier to deal with.
Then we lost our home. Our roommate moved out due to an ego clash with my ex, the two were entirely the same and eventually the friendship between them soured. I got along with my ex-roommate, but I chalked it up to me getting along with nearly everyone due to my own nature. But this fracture was enough to slowly chip at my ex and coupled with his own Mom stepping in and convincing him to live alone, I was discarded.
I won't get in to details, mainly as a part of my own healing I can't live in that memory anymore. But when I gave birth I found that my ex didn't even want to hear about it. A mutual friend told him about it because at that point I was blocked on nearly every platform. He witnessed him sitting in a Discord voice call by himself deleting people on Discord, Steam etc. He was compartmentalising, unable to cope with the news. He then deleted my friend who told him after confronted about his behaviour. Never acknowledging WHY he never reached out, just saying that he was upset with the 'name calling'.
A month later after he was told, he moved out of his Grandparents place and in to his own place, got with a girl he met shortly after the discard and has been living in a fantasy since. It was heartbreaking dealing with this alone but something in me felt that none of it made any logical sense. So through my own therapy, we discussed Limerence. My therapist explained that after a meaningful relationship, one that an avoidant partner (my ex) was close in, they themselves sow the seeds of breakup as a strategy to leave. The psychology behind this is vast but the main part was that I had to learn NOT to take this personally despite the urge to do so as it was PERSONAL. I find myself sometimes asking why did this happen, how could have it happened and what could I have done to prevent this. Nothing, absolutely nothing could have changed his mind because his nervous system already was on alert when our roommate left and put us in a place of hardship. He discarded the only thing that had sustained him, his relationship.
This new girl is a classic love bomber. Now before I get flack for criticising her, I will say she sent me death threats and caused me a tonne of distress. So much so I had to report her to the police which took me nowhere as they just told me to block her. I realised he was changing almost immediately to a person I never would recognise, a person who himself would have criticised only a year or so ago. He wasn't himself anymore, he was dedicating deep love songs to her on social media, putting her name in his bio, basically showing her off. Living with her whilst having his own place, financially messing his life over all for the chase. Whilst it hurt me, what hurt more was that he never reached out about his daughter who is suffering from issues regarding her lungs and breathing. A Social Worker tried to get in contact with him but he even ignored her. Legally with him living in a different country from myself, we filed for child support only for him to continuously dodge the payments (he will HAVE to pay eventually but has told the court he cannot afford to do so right now-theres a case now in place to resolve this).
Thats when I realised, he was chasing a high. He wanted to avoid reality until it was convenient for him. He was addicted to this person, always with them 24/7 because in his eyes, they represent something that is close to perfection, something that doesn't know his history because he provided a distorted version of it, one where he was treated poorly by ALL his exes and that she is the most perfect person in the world, blinded by the fact that she is abusive. My therapist told me that often people in this state try to legitimise their new relationship, trying to tell the world what they have is genuine. Posting pictures, almost immediately, going on holidays, meeting family very soon. To him, and anyone else in that mindset, this is all part of the natural course of a relationship but to many people on the outside, they know he is behaving differently. A mutual friend of mine and his explained that my ex left nearly every server he was in, cut off communication with many of his close friends now spends all of his time with her. He tried to chalk it up to him being happy but explained that he has noticed all of it comes with this manic desire to prove himself.
As painful as it is, these relationships never usually last. Especially when reality hits and a person loses their footing again. The two were NOT looking for each other, contrary to popular belief, they have been settling for the high they give one another. That is what helped me heal slowly, knowing I can live a life where the truth is at the centre, rather than illusion. Because think of it this way, if they were truly living in reality, they wouldn't be so defensive about what they were doing. A healed and healthy person, one who is genuinely in love has the capability to assess their actions. They would not cut off any friends who criticise them for their actions, victim blame, abandon their family if it wasn't for believing that the grass is greener on the other side, which is never is, its just the same just under new management that has no idea what storm is coming their way.
That is my own experience, and if anyone is wanting to share other signs of limerence and rebounds I would be happy to read them.