u/Intelligent_Gap_3869

I'm in my car so not in yo house Im still in compliance with our agreement.

Or I guess it's your chance to hurt me back Your decision....I said it's yours and it is till it's gone. I know you'll see this.

You take away my paper

When I try to spell out love

You take away my password

When I try to open up

Why should I pay for

The wrongs they did to you

I'm not the one that did

I'll fly true

So take a little trip with me

And fly with your new wings

Take a little trip with me

And search out everything

Don't be mad at those

Who have done you wrong

If it was t for those wrongs

You'd have never grown

This strong

I consistently hear how I'm a mystery or that I don't talk about my life monster about myself much but there's a reason for that and the reason is very simple my life has not really been very pleasant for most of it especially my childhood and people don't like to hear about negative things a lot and if they do they tend to start shutting you out of their lives.

The other side of that coin is that they begin to pity you or try to judge you as being the same as the trauma that you experienced for example if you were molested they start to think that you might be a molester so on and so forth whatever so because my life has for the most part been f****** s***** for real I don't talk about it a lot.

These lessons were learned at a very young age and they carried on probably well into the into the teens where you were always always being moved and meeting new people and everybody's trying to diagnose you or you know figure out what kind of help you needed and they would take any kind of weakness or problems or struggles that you had and they would use them against you to either justify why you needed to be put on some kind of medication or why you need to be watched somewhere or be excluded from going out or they would decide that your problems more than they wanted to deal with and you would be left or moved or either way your world would f****** completely start over brand new with new people new place and the same thing over again and not having a life as a child and Friends sleepovers or any of that was rough so I learned that silence and internalizing feelings or problems or anything else was the safest way for me to get through life

The problem seems to be that even in my adult life this seems to be the way that things happen and when things finally get to be to the point that I can no longer keep them internalized and I start trying to share with somebody I am all together too much for them and they leave as well and I understand that the things in my mind can be heavy and that I can be a lot to deal with but I wish that you would understand and try to consider that if if it is at this point where I'm so hard to deal with can you imagine what it's like inside of my head cuz I am a strong person and I can handle a lot and I have carried a lot of weight for my whole life so this isn't new.

And the thing that seems to overload me the most and just shatter my sight and leave me f****** lost is when I fall in love with somebody and I lose them and I blame myself and then I hate myself some more and then I'm alone again. I Fall in Love easy I'm not going to lie but I love genuinely and with every bit of me so when that falls apart I leave a lot of me behind So when my mind perceives a threat to my heart it immediately kicks me into runaway because if we're not there or we can light ourselves and say that that's not what the case is then we can still hold on to that piece of us for a little bit longer or it kicks out another side of me it is so ridiculously f****** vengeful that I don't know how to handle it that's why I try so hard not to get angry or lose my temper or allow that part of me to come out.. I don't really have any hopes but you'll see this message or it'll make a difference in the way that you feel and that's okay I just wanted you to maybe understand a little bit better

Has the title says maybe I am just delusional maybe I'm the only one that feels the way that I do feel about you and that it is not returned in a way that mirrors the way that I feel and maybe reading post and falling in the rabbit hole and it's causing me to come mentally unstable although I'm already a little bit mentally unstable so there is that you know what happened I know what happened so there's no need to really hash it out on here suffice to say I saw what I saw and I did what i did I think you understand what my fears and weaknesses are perhaps better than I do myself.

I know that you consistently push and challenge me try to make me a better person and I'm grateful for that I'm grateful for everything that has had to do with you and me even the pain because it tells me it was real what you maybe didn't know was that my deepest darkest fear was for someone to hate me enough to make me fall for them Head over heels and then for some hatred or revenge reason try to rip my f****** heart out and show me it was all a game but everything I felt was not returned that nobody's ever loved me and that's what it was and that terrifies me because I don't know a what I would do in that situation if I knew for sure that that's what it was if I would just go berserk or if I would just break down and be ridiculed.

when I saw what I saw the other day coupled by small comment you had made about when we started talking that you considered just pretending to care for me so that you can get close enough to do damage and when I saw what I saw specially after having a conversations I had with you and you understanding I thought where I stood in with things that's what my mind immediately ran to and I ran because I didn't want to do something crazy maybe hurt somebody something crazy and if that was the case I didn't want you to have the satisfaction of seeing my world crumble I blocked you long enough for me to try to get things under grasp I unblocked you the next day and I messaged you and before I ever got a response I drove past you on lynnhaven and you guys were together so I blocked you again.

for some reason that I can't explain I just keep coming back it's like there's this hook in my heart and on the other end of it you have the pole and you're reeling me in even though I know you're not I I know that you are no longer find me to be even remotely attractive I get it I understand it hurts a little bit but I understand when you told me that I wasn't to be trusted in your home I didn't say anything but okay and you know why but that shattered me and I don't know just broken and lost I guess and I miss what we had so bad that I grasp for anything let me hang on the only person that used to accept me I understand that's no longer the situation and so I will stop from here on I will not call I will not message I will not pour through these letters of people who feel the way that I wish you felt I'm going to make an anagram here so you should look at the first letters of the words that come after this and you'll know who this is

Never

Allow

The

Heartless

Around

Nobody

Great

Opening

Now

Zippit

For the record sorry for any pain or unworthiness I may have made you feel that was never my intention you were always the piece that made me feel like I was home and what do you believe it or not I tried my best to try to protect you and your feelings and build you up I'm sorry that in a few moments of anger that I had that I destroyed it I hate how we can spend so much time trying to build things and just takes blink of an eye lose it all

Well I guess I'll just say it because I want you to know what happened and what I thought rather than guess. And I've been going around having some flashbacks of that night and our conversation afterwards. Thanks for the song it helped not to pull you back but to allow you to let go fully aware of why I reacted the way I did even after professing my love for you. I swore I would never fall in love again because I didn't want to lose myself again to the "infinite melancholy" that took me many years to finally let go of. Years of wanting to die and hating myself for my mistakes and years of punishing myself any way I could. After all that time I had become someone I liked I was sincere, genuine, caring, and humble I think. We became inseparable so quickly even though we had known each other over half our lives. Somehow I got a chance again. When I saw what I did my heart shattered not because of what happened but because it made me feel like I never mattered to you. And then it made me question if it was all just to get me back for something I did I couldn't let you see that because if it was out of spite I don't think I would have recovered. So I ran... I didn't say a word I blocked you and I ran. The next day I was going message you so I. unblocked you. Then when running an errand I saw you driving down lhaven. They were with you. So I blocked your number again and tried to forget about you. I couldn't believe it. It killed a spark inside me. I'm not sure yet but I think I may not believe in true love and twin flames or soulmates anymore. A lot of that is on me for not being able to communicate like I should have and part is due to me running away. So I understand why we are here. I need to say this and I hope you see it one day.

I'm sorry I hurt you

I'm sorry I ran

I'm sorry that I can't be what you need

I'm sorry I made your life harder

I'm sorry that things are what they are

I'm sorry I'm not there now

I'm NOT sorry for the time I got to be with you

I'm NOT sorry for the times I got to help lighten your load

I'm NOT sorry for the times I came over at 3am cause u needed someone

I'm NOT sorry for the stolen moments of happiness

I'm NOT sorry for letting you write the narrative

I'm NOT sorry for the happiest times of my life

I wrote you a book that has some promises. They hold true still but only upon your request out of a desire to respect your wishes and not turn your life upside down. For the record while I'm aware it isn't in my stars I would try again and again until we got it right because that feeling can't be replicated or faked. But you deserve better than that and the circumstances don't allow that we know why...if your not sure if I'm your person we recently spoke about how I was responsible for a friends death at a very young age. I love you like time and I'm still here.