I had a really heated argument with my dad again twice. My angry version came out and started yelling at him and he called me names and stuff. I have a feeling it's a trauma holder or something. After I went upstairs, I felt a hot flash across my face from left to right and then my jaw felt tight like static.
I went to therapy again. I talked about my dissociation and derealization experiences and about my dad. I've had DR/DP longer than I initially thought. I've been having it ever since I was a child. I used to have imaginary friends as a kid, because I am an artist I assumed this was just a hallmark of my creativity (which could be partly the case!). One was called Gomi (he had a trumpet on his head filled with strawberries), another was called Shyla (she was shy lol). What's weird is I do feel more female or male sometimes. Also my social skills vary on different days. Sometimes I'm shy and quiet, you can barely hear. Sometimes I'm loud, assertive, hyper, and boisterous to the point of it being annoying. I've done the DES test online and got 61.4. I did a different one and got 47.86.
I've been severely bullied for most of my life. I first started getting bullied in grade 2 until 7th grade. I've been called names, made fun of, had people tell me they hated me directly to my face, shoved onto a locker, got into small physical fights, pushed into walls, bullies came to my house to torment me, one poured cement mix on my head and I came home distraught and in tears. I would dissociate through reading books. I read at a college level in grade 6. I ended up distrusting people and would spend most of 8th grade alone after my ex friend betrayed me. I would just do my homework and lay my head down on the cafeteria table at lunch.
I also have been emotionally abused my entire life from my dad. My dad would sometimes hit me as a kid (lightly) but I would cry after. He spanked me once because I ran in the road. I struggle to remember my childhood. It's hazy. I developed moral OCD compulsions because of this. I felt that even a little white lie would get me in trouble with my dad. He stopped hitting me, and eventually moved on to verbal and emotional abuse. I remember problems with CPS wanting to take me away, my dad said it was all unfounded claims and he put a cease and desist in. Some of it was unfounded, some of it wasn't.
I also was groomed on Omegle once, this guy made me show my feet to him. He wanted to see my underwear but I was dumb (luckily) and didn't show him my actual underwear. I might have shown my chest but I didn't have breasts so not like it matters really.
My dad says I'm a lot to deal with. He says it's like I have two different personalities, the hyper nice version, and the angry, aggressive, borderline suicidal version who's difficult to deal with. When I get triggered, this version starts screaming and screaming extremely loudly. I keep trying to calm them down but they won't listen to my voice of reason. They keep saying stuff like "You don't care about me, you hate me" "leave me alone" "I don't care" "I hate you" "why doesn't anyone believe/listen to me" then my dad calls me crazy and then after this outburst I feel forgetful, numb, sluggish, and drained. I sometimes have a different tone of voice that I don't recognize or I'll regress into a childlike state and completely forget what transpired until I think long and hard about it.
All I know is I still feel trapped, and like I'm in this inescapable hell. It hurts. I keep thinking once I get out of this house I'll finally be free from my dad. I often feel like running away. My dad has threatened to kick me out of the house multiple times when I tell him I don't like living here and when I came out as genderfluid, I probably wouldn't survive well if that happened but I sometimes wish he would just finally do it.
When my therapist asked me about what I think dissociation is, I explained that I was dissociating right now. My therapist said that I have complex trauma, and she mentioned "fragmentation" and that made me scared. I don't even know if I have enough trauma. I've been told my whole life that I don't have trauma, that I wouldn't know a hard day in my life, that others have it worse, and that I should be greatful for the roof over my head. My therapist told me that the stuff my dad says to me on a daily basis is hard for even her to hear.
After the session, I felt all blurry, I felt like I was wading through thick fog and my hand eye coordination was terrible. I kept dropping stuff, and struggled to move around the crowds of people. So yeah. Don't know what's happening with me, but I will continue to talk to my therapist about my emotional outbursts and hopefully we can find the root of the issue.
I went to therapy again. I talked about my dissociation and derealization experiences and about my dad. I've had DR/DP longer than I initially thought. I've been having it ever since I was a child. I used to have imaginary friends as a kid, because I am an artist I assumed this was just a hallmark of my creativity (which could be partly the case!). One was called Gomi (he had a trumpet on his head filled with strawberries), another was called Shyla (she was shy lol). What's weird is I do feel more female or male sometimes. Also my social skills vary on different days. Sometimes I'm shy and quiet, you can barely hear. Sometimes I'm loud, assertive, hyper, and boisterous to the point of it being annoying. I've done the DES test online and got 61.4. I did a different one and got 47.86.
I've been severely bullied for most of my life. I first started getting bullied in grade 2 until 7th grade. I've been called names, made fun of, had people tell me they hated me directly to my face, shoved onto a locker, got into small physical fights, pushed into walls, bullies came to my house to torment me, one poured cement mix on my head and I came home distraught and in tears. I would dissociate through reading books. I read at a college level in grade 6. I ended up distrusting people and would spend most of 8th grade alone after my ex friend betrayed me. I would just do my homework and lay my head down on the cafeteria table at lunch.
I also have been emotionally abused my entire life from my dad. My dad would sometimes hit me as a kid (lightly) but I would cry after. He spanked me once because I ran in the road. I struggle to remember my childhood. It's hazy. I developed moral OCD compulsions because of this. I felt that even a little white lie would get me in trouble with my dad. He stopped hitting me, and eventually moved on to verbal and emotional abuse. I remember problems with CPS wanting to take me away, my dad said it was all unfounded claims and he put a cease and desist in. Some of it was unfounded, some of it wasn't.
I also was groomed on Omegle once, this guy made me show my feet to him. He wanted to see my underwear but I was dumb (luckily) and didn't show him my actual underwear. I might have shown my chest but I didn't have breasts so not like it matters really.
My dad says I'm a lot to deal with. He says it's like I have two different personalities, the hyper nice version, and the angry, aggressive, borderline suicidal version who's difficult to deal with. When I get triggered, this version starts screaming and screaming extremely loudly. I keep trying to calm them down but they won't listen to my voice of reason. They keep saying stuff like "You don't care about me, you hate me" "leave me alone" "I don't care" "I hate you" "why doesn't anyone believe/listen to me" then my dad calls me crazy and then after this outburst I feel forgetful, numb, sluggish, and drained. I sometimes have a different tone of voice that I don't recognize or I'll regress into a childlike state and completely forget what transpired until I think long and hard about it.
All I know is I still feel trapped, and like I'm in this inescapable hell. It hurts. I keep thinking once I get out of this house I'll finally be free from my dad. I often feel like running away. My dad has threatened to kick me out of the house multiple times when I tell him I don't like living here and when I came out as genderfluid, I probably wouldn't survive well if that happened but I sometimes wish he would just finally do it.
When my therapist asked me about what I think dissociation is, I explained that I was dissociating right now. My therapist said that I have complex trauma, and she mentioned "fragmentation" and that made me scared. I don't even know if I have enough trauma. I've been told my whole life that I don't have trauma, that I wouldn't know a hard day in my life, that others have it worse, and that I should be greatful for the roof over my head. My therapist told me that the stuff my dad says to me on a daily basis is hard for even her to hear.
After the session, I felt all blurry, I felt like I was wading through thick fog and my hand eye coordination was terrible. I kept dropping stuff, and struggled to move around the crowds of people. So yeah. Don't know what's happening with me, but I will continue to talk to my therapist about my emotional outbursts and hopefully we can find the root of the issue.