u/Interesting-Day-2472

I don’t ever remember not been sexually abused by my dad and was taken to the house of another professional by my dad who also abused me whilst my dad watched .

I have had flashbacks of two incidences with children .

The first with a girl - we were both naked and I got her to touch me sexually . I don’t remember if I touched her . We were both around 6 years old

The second I was in a bedroom with a boy aged around 6 also . His older teenage brother was there also .

I performed oral sex on the 6 year old , I was the same age.

I don’t know whether either of them told / asked me to or i decided to .

I feel sick with the thoughts of how i have damaged other children . I tried to zone out when it happened with adults so i don’t understand why i chose to do it on another child .

I don’t feel like i deserve to live , i don’t know how can i can ever live with the same of what i have done

I remember been SA by my dad and another professional, my dad took me too for as young as I can remember till 15.

I have been having flashbacks and fragmented memories coming back over the past year.

This week I had two flashbacks where I remember two incidents where other children were involved ,both when I was about 6/7 .

The one I got a girl same age to touch me sexually .

The other a boys teenage brother got me to perform oral sex on her brother. Again we were both around 6/7 .

I am female.

I have struggled with the shame of this all week . I feel disgusted with myself , don’t think I even deserve to live .

I have been getting through on diazepam mostly .

I do have therapy this week but not sure even my therapist could hide her look of disgust if i tell her .