fear of commitment?, advice and comfort needed (24M, 21F)
Hello. This may be long but I’ll try to summarize it. Obviously no one here knows the full details of my relationship so this is cliff notes.
Context: “Adam” and I have been seeing each other for 3 months exclusively. IMO we act like a couple but haven’t put an official label (texting regularly, 1-3 hang outs a week, cuddling, sleepovers, pet names etc). Last summer, Adam broke up with his ex, he said he realized she wasn’t in the relationship like that any more their last month together. He had some minor legal trouble due to mental health (addiction, he is now sober) and overall it was a complicated time in his life. I am anxious attachment
Part 1:
I’m in college and Adam lives in my college town (he’s already graduated). We met on the apps and for our first month things went well with no real issues. We were only seeing each other. We text regularly, hung out 1-3 times a week (usually sleepovers), dates (he pays) etc. He’s always available to have emotional and deep conversations and is absolutely there for me emotionally. He does treat me very well and we’re happy spending time with each other. Around a month in, Adam was at work and his ex and her mom came in and were talking bad about him. Adam said when he saw her there aren’t feelings or anything like that but it did remind him how many emotions are involved in relationships and hard conversations. Adam doesn’t want kids and I 85% don’t but I can’t give a definite answer and that bothers him. He ended up deciding to end things bc he thought he was ready and he wasn’t and that he’s worried about the kid thing bc he doesn’t want history to repeat bc that’s exactly why his ex and him broke up. I was very caught off guard by all of this bc I didn’t really feel like there were signs it was going to end. He said we should probably have no contact. Overall, it seems like it was more fear of hurt or things going wrong in relationship. After a few days, since I was caught off guard had time to process he and I talked again and we talked things out and we decided to get back together. He said the kid thing doesn’t bother him as much and that he just wants to take things slow/take our time before dating bc he’s still processing the summer bc a lot of intense things happened for him
Part 2
After our week break we have been exclusively seeing each other for 2 months (3M total). Here is when we started using pet names and growing closer with physical intimacy. Still regular hangouts, dates, texting, emotionally availability etc. Everything was good and reminder this is a cliff notes version. At the end of the spring semester (very early May) he and I had a check in before summer bc I live 2.5 hours away from my college town. He said he was 70-80% ready for a relationship and he really wants to date me and wishes he was fully ready but he isn’t. About a week into summer he was in my area for a concert so after he visited, stayed at my place and met my dad. The next morning we went out to eat, he paid. Since then we had been texting like normal and face timed.
Is this fear of commitment?
So our last face time we were talking about visiting again and he said he wanted to talk. He said that he has essentially come to the conclusion that he is not ready for a relationship. He proposed more of a “friend” relationship to take a step back. I was obviously very upset and I cried the entire next day. We talked again after some time to process. I told him that I do love him and care about him and the time we have spent together. That I don’t want to be friends bc it’s more than that for me. He said he has love for me in his heart, that he won’t say I love u and he mentioned his ex and him never did that (I was shocked bc they were together over a year so idk if the relationship was all good or what after hearing this plus she went to his work and talked crap about him months later knowing he works there, anyway). He said that his feelings for me haven’t faded, he hasn’t lost interest. He knows in his heart he can’t do a relationship right now or commitment. He said driving to see me made him realize the commitment level and that’s what started the thoughts of no relationship now. He said that he also needs this summer to be about him since last summer so much happened. It came across as he NEEDS this summer to be different for him as in just him doing his thing, We did talk about how being in an official relationship won’t drastically change the time commitment we have had bc when I was on campus I think we saw each other a good amount and he will only have to drive 2.5 hours a handful of times bc he can drive once then me to him etc. I asked if we lean friends or dating and he said friends bc he can’t date right now.
Our New Terms
- text and face time when it feels natural and we want to
- not exclusive (we both don’t want to know if the other is on apps etc. he did said he won’t be going on dates bc that implies wanting it to lead to dating and he doesn’t want that, he also said if he had a talking stage it would be me)
- visiting. he said he’s still down to drive to visit and sleepover and cuddle bc cuddling isn’t platonic but it’s not necessarily romantic. I said no sleepovers or cuddling bc I know my heart will fall back into relationship mode and right now I need to digest everything before I consider visiting
- dating is off the table for now. the door is closed but not locked. we aren’t waiting for us to go to romantic mode or holding out hope etc, but if it happens later on then it does
- we can communicate and revaluate as needed. this is the relationship for now, it doesn’t have to be set in stone kind of thing
Additional Context (makes me think fear of commitment)
- he has said relationships have a lot of emotions and emotional investment
- he wants his free time and to be his own person. it came off as tho he would feel like he has to pick me over a concert he wants to go to. even tho i said i would never expect him to not live his life and he even said i haven’t done that but he seems worried that will change
- once he literally sent a text “I can’t let my guard down cuz i really like you” i asked what the means and he said “people are unpredictable” and even tho i have reassurance i don’t think he fully believes it
- my therapist has said it seems like he has demand avoidance
- he told me he used to be anxious in relationships (relationship anxiety) but he isn’t anymore
My Thoughts
- this is emotionally overwhelming bc a lot has happened but im trying to just get through the initial impact and navigate this new dynamic and then go from there once i see how i feel and if texting is not confusing for my heart/emotions
- it seems as though he does have some fear of commitment, fear of getting hurt and what will change if we date. I’m anxious, i overthink to protect and he keeps a wall up (avoidant) to protect
- i think it’s clear he cares a lot for me and has feelings
- im not sure if he’s battling his own stuff and trying to navigate that and a relationship he cares about and he genuinely needs to not comitt right now OR he’s trying to be in a “relationship” but not have the label bc it feels safer OR be in a relationship but doesn’t actually want a title (like have your cake and eat it too)
- confusing that being exclusive it feels like to much commitment to drive to see me but no comittment it’s fine. This makes me think it’s about needing to feel free/internal battle or have your cake and eat it too (bc he prosped sleep overs). Unless his hearts in it so he didn’t think all that through
This is fresh, I’m taking it step by step, and navigating it as it happens. I will see how I feel and go from there. And I’m trying not to think to far ahead (like back on campus etc) bc it’s overwhelming. I’m an anxious attachment so plz lmk your thoughts. Please be compassionate and gentle, this is a tough time for me. Thank you!