Think it’s about time I cut my mother off.
Cake I made a while ago thought it fits the occasion.
Trigger warning, >!mentions of suicide and abuse.!<
Will try to sum this up best I can. My (23F) mothers my abuser, I’m talking irreversible brain damage here. BPD, BD, PTCSD, a grocery list if you will. The only family that’s supportive is my father and oldest sister. They’ve both been treated the same by her. Everyone else pretends it’s not an issue because they weren’t personally targeted.
I’ve moved out multiple times lately, nothing longer than a year. Hard to afford it, I’ve couch hopped, lived in my car, side of the street, everything to escape her. Started running away at 14 after she involuntarily admitted me to hospital after hospital trying to convince everyone I was schizo level insane, that went on until 16. Couple times I’ve tried to leave this lovely planet she shrugged her shoulders and watched me OD/bleed out. Forced to lie to CPS. I won’t say anything she did physically, it’s too much.
Moral of the backstory, I’ve been her punching bag and more for the past 20 years of my life. I’ve grown so sick of it lately, that I’ve finally felt strong enough to confront her about the pain. I moved back home last October, and after 4 months I just was done. I called her out, and then I just didn’t stop. I told her how much she’s fucked me for life, how little remorse she has for it, how I’ll never think of her as my mother and instead my abuser. I’ll never want a relationship with her. She broke down, saying it was generational, she was only doing what she was taught, that she’s proud of me for sticking up for myself. I told her she doesn’t have the right to say she’s proud of me, nor is her trauma an excuse to hand it over to me like it’s some kind of fucking heirloom. I said no matter what happens in my life, I know for sure of two things: lay your hands on me again and you will never see me again, and I will never allow myself to become the “mother” you are.
Don’t really care how harsh that was. I did at first but, she could handle 10 minutes of me hating on her if she could do that to me for 20 years.
Now.. she laid her hands on me again, for the last time. I immediately left, packed my things and I’m staying at my boyfriends since. I miss my father, I miss my cat. My room. Everything. She somehow spun the situation to me being the one who beat the shit out of her. My middle sister cut me off, my dad’s been a gem, so has my oldest sister and bf. I’ve been finishing up school (graduating tomorrow woohooo) and getting my shit settled and whatnot. Middle sister told me she doesn’t believe I’ve ever been abused, starts talking to me and treating me just how my mother would. Cut that off. She also used my dildo when I was out of house. lol. Different story. She’s never been abused by my mom. Poster child. They’re besties now.
Fucking A. I get sick at the thought of ever seeing her again. She took a “3 week mental health journey” recently because she realized the good attention was wearing off and people stopped believing her bullshit. Left with threatening divorce on my father. You know what tf she did? Road trip to Texas where she bender to bender to Ohio to bender more to Colorado to bender again only to come back even worse of a person considering she relayed to my father that I’m officially never allow back to the house ever again and also bought a dog. (The dog thing, my two childhood dogs passed away past few years. She hid their sickness from everyone, didn’t tell me about Macs until I was back from a vacation three weeks later, didn’t even answer my calls about Nolli as she was on the vets bed. I couldn’t grieve properly, she didn’t give me ashes or anything. Still don’t know where the two are. She bought new dog 5 months after Macs, said it was him sending her another angel so she named him Macy. Macy fucking hates me. Hates everyone. Shits and pisses everywhere and bites people. It’s been almost exactly a year since Nolli has passed and a new dog is now at the house. Both new dogs came after everyone said no thanks, not ready)
My father says I am of course welcome back whenever, it’s not up to her. And ur probably wondering, why tf are they still together? Because he doesn’t want to lose his children, housing, job, everything. She would fight to own everything, or even off herself. He’s scared and I don’t blame him. He wants us all to get back together when we’re ready, talk shit out and try to work something out. It’s been so stressful for him seeing this happen. He’s just doesn’t want to lose anyone.
But yeah. I’m just sick. If I could go more into detail about specifics without it being more of a forever read, I would. Living away from her it’s like I’m being fucking haunted. Every time I look in the mirror. Every time I go into mania. Everything. Except I’m not a piece of shit asshole and abuse everyone around me once I go into a bpd episode. Her mental has been so out of control that it’s just who she is now. It’s her job to be hurtful. Also, she’s a convicted felon, unemployed, and relies completely on my father. Tell me how she’s so comfortable waking up everyday with an agenda of “spend husbands money, argue with a customer service rep, remind daughter she’s a useless person, lay in the sun like she deserves that peace, eat (using husbands money), shit, sleep and repeat” for years now. She says she’s unemployed because she can’t get a job. Go fuck urself. You’re just comfortable and privileged. How can someone who’s caused pain to others her whole life live such a lavish and forgiving life. My father works his ass off working 7-7 every fucking day. I’m a full time college student full time employee with a career that’s going to be a 7-7 everyday. Like what.
Sorry this is so long. I don’t even know dude. I just needed to get this off my chest. I have weekly therapy and starting up EMDR soon. I just want the peace of her being completely out of my life. I’m just afraid this will really stress out my father. It already has so much, I don’t want to hurt him. He’s the only reason why I haven’t just up and left.