u/Interestingthings36

20 yr old female and 22 yr old male. We’d been together a little over a year (my first serious relationship), with me moving an hour away for school about 5 months in and we started to argue about things that I thought were little bumps, but he thought were big I guess. That led to him breaking up with me 3 days before Christmas, completely out of the blue for me. We went no contact for a week, then he reached out with “hey” and asked to meet and talk. We talked it through and agreed that we could have resolved those issues without arguing and that we’d lost sight of what really mattered. About a month later after some pushing on my part we officially got back together.

Things were good (I thought) for about 2 months and then we started arguing again. It was mostly him complaining about my character, saying I was always so judgy and just mean.

I’m not saying that isn’t entirely true, I acknowledge that I tend to see things in black and white and judge people based on their actions and sometimes I judge too harshly and don’t allow grace for them. But I know I’m not a mean person down to my core. I know that I do have empathy and compassion. It’s just that I don’t trust everyone willy nilly and only see the good in them. I think a lot of what motivated his words to me was a desperation to find something to blame me for, something to justify the way he was feeling. He began saying he didn’t know if he wanted to marry me anymore, he didn’t think it was as likely as it was before.

I started becoming frustrated with him because he began to show a significant lack of emotional availability. He could barely text me back for hours, didn’t ever say anything loving, couldn’t hardly say I love you without me saying it first or prompting him. He couldn’t get enthused about spending time with me anymore, etc etc. I would do all the traveling to visit when I could (partially because he doesn’t have reliable transportation) and I felt like I was holding up far more than was fair for me to.

I will acknowledge however, he admitted to me that he felt his depression creeping back and he was really fighting it, but he was afraid that it was becoming way too much and too stressful for him to handle. I can now see how that also put pressure on our relationship and how he was treating me.

We sat down and had a conversation where he told me all of the above and I was determined to try and be better, be more compassionate and supportive, be more understanding and kind. He said he wanted to try and fix this because he loved me and really wanted it to work. I brought up my complaints (as stated above) and he acknowledged them (although he still attributed his actions to my character flaws) and he said he would try to work on it.

From then on, I really tried. I listened to him, I supported him, I was there to comfort him when he was stressed or worried. I felt like I was doing my part and genuinely was doing better. But nothing really changed on his end, at least nothing super visible to me. He tried to text me a little more often and call a little earlier at night, but that was about it.

So last weekend we planned to spend time together, just to connect again and try and enjoy being together. I drove and picked him up and we spent the weekend in my city. We watched tv, went on walks, did some fun activities in the city, etc. I really enjoyed it and he seemed to have fun too. I thought this was a turning point for us and that we were finally connecting again and enjoying being with each other.

But then the day after I took him back home, he texted me a long text message about how he had hoped things would change for him but they hadn’t, and how he felt like we needed to end things for real this time.

Safe to say I was completely heartbroken and so confused. I really thought we’d turned a corner. But I guess not.

Honestly I wasn’t as completely shocked and broken as I was in December. Mostly because I had worried about this happening for a while now. I was still absolutely devastated but more so I was angry with him. I was angry that he spent an entire weekend with me already determined to break up, but still gave me so much hope for us by hanging out and having a great time. There was no hint at all that this would be the outcome, especially over a text.

So today I brought by everything I had of his, and everything he’d ever given me. Poems, letters, even flower petals I’d saved. I couldn’t throw them away but I couldn’t bear to keep them with me. We sort of talked about it, rehashed it a little and I told him how he had made me feel. He acknowledged it and apologized. He wished it was different, and he didn’t like that it was ending, but he said that we both weren’t ready, and that he wasn’t the man he wanted to be for me yet. I half-jokingly asked when would that actually happen and he said “maybe one day”.

It ended with tears on both our parts and a hug. Going into that conversation I was so angry and determined to keep hating him, but leaving it we were both sad to leave each other. We were both so full of love. That’s the worst part.

Now, I’m terrified that his “one day” comment is giving me hope. I’m really trying to forget it and grieve, but I find myself almost relieved that he’d said that. I know the right thing to do is to attempt to move on and grow myself, and I’m desperately trying to, but my entire being is trying to tell me that it’s going to be okay, that he’ll come back in a few months and everything will work out. This feels like when he has to go on a work trip or something and we can’t see each other for a while, it feels like this is a temporary thing and we’ll be reunited and back together again soon enough, we just have to wait it out.

What do I do? How do I try and grieve this relationship? I love him so much and I believe he is really struggling right now, but I was so sure that he was it, he was the one. I know it’s fresh but I still can’t accept that he might not be the one.

Please, any advice or kind words would be so appreciated! I live alone and I literally don’t have a single friend besides him, so I’m super isolated. I’m just lost.

20 yr old female and 22 yr old male. We’d been together a little over a year (my first serious relationship), with me moving an hour away for school about 5 months in and we started to argue about things that I thought were little bumps, but he thought were big I guess. That led to him breaking up with me 3 days before Christmas, completely out of the blue for me. We went no contact for a week, then he reached out with “hey” and asked to meet and talk. We talked it through and agreed that we could have resolved those issues without arguing and that we’d lost sight of what really mattered. About a month later after some pushing on my part we officially got back together.

Things were good (I thought) for about 2 months and then we started arguing again. It was mostly him complaining about my character, saying I was always so judgy and just mean.

I’m not saying that isn’t entirely true, I acknowledge that I tend to see things in black and white and judge people based on their actions and sometimes I judge too harshly and don’t allow grace for them. But I know I’m not a mean person down to my core. I know that I do have empathy and compassion. It’s just that I don’t trust everyone willy nilly and only see the good in them. I think a lot of what motivated his words to me was a desperation to find something to blame me for, something to justify the way he was feeling. He began saying he didn’t know if he wanted to marry me anymore, he didn’t think it was as likely as it was before.

I started becoming frustrated with him because he began to show a significant lack of emotional availability. He could barely text me back for hours, didn’t ever say anything loving, couldn’t hardly say I love you without me saying it first or prompting him. He couldn’t get enthused about spending time with me anymore, etc etc. I would do all the traveling to visit when I could (partially because he doesn’t have reliable transportation) and I felt like I was holding up far more than was fair for me to.

I will acknowledge however, he admitted to me that he felt his depression creeping back and he was really fighting it, but he was afraid that it was becoming way too much and too stressful for him to handle. I can now see how that also put pressure on our relationship and how he was treating me.

We sat down and had a conversation where he told me all of the above and I was determined to try and be better, be more compassionate and supportive, be more understanding and kind. He said he wanted to try and fix this because he loved me and really wanted it to work. I brought up my complaints (as stated above) and he acknowledged them (although he still attributed his actions to my character flaws) and he said he would try to work on it.

From then on, I really tried. I listened to him, I supported him, I was there to comfort him when he was stressed or worried. I felt like I was doing my part and genuinely was doing better. But nothing really changed on his end, at least nothing super visible to me. He tried to text me a little more often and call a little earlier at night, but that was about it.

So last weekend we planned to spend time together, just to connect again and try and enjoy being together. I drove and picked him up and we spent the weekend in my city. We watched tv, went on walks, did some fun activities in the city, etc. I really enjoyed it and he seemed to have fun too. I thought this was a turning point for us and that we were finally connecting again and enjoying being with each other.

But then the day after I took him back home, he texted me a long text message about how he had hoped things would change for him but they hadn’t, and how he felt like we needed to end things for real this time.

Safe to say I was completely heartbroken and so confused. I really thought we’d turned a corner. But I guess not.

Honestly I wasn’t as completely shocked and broken as I was in December. Mostly because I had worried about this happening for a while now. I was still absolutely devastated but more so I was angry with him. I was angry that he spent an entire weekend with me already determined to break up, but still gave me so much hope for us by hanging out and having a great time. There was no hint at all that this would be the outcome, especially over a text.

So today I brought by everything I had of his, and everything he’d ever given me. Poems, letters, even flower petals I’d saved. I couldn’t throw them away but I couldn’t bear to keep them with me. We sort of talked about it, rehashed it a little and I told him how he had made me feel. He acknowledged it and apologized. He wished it was different, and he didn’t like that it was ending, but he said that we both weren’t ready, and that he wasn’t the man he wanted to be for me yet. I half-jokingly asked when would that actually happen and he said “maybe one day”.

It ended with tears on both our parts and a hug. Going into that conversation I was so angry and determined to keep hating him, but leaving it we were both sad to leave each other. We were both so full of love. That’s the worst part.

Now, I’m terrified that his “one day” comment is giving me hope. I’m really trying to forget it and grieve, but I find myself almost relieved that he’d said that. I know the right thing to do is to attempt to move on and grow myself, and I’m desperately trying to, but my entire being is trying to tell me that it’s going to be okay, that he’ll come back in a few months and everything will work out. This feels like when he has to go on a work trip or something and we can’t see each other for a while, it feels like this is a temporary thing and we’ll be reunited and back together again soon enough, we just have to wait it out.

What do I do? How do I try and grieve this relationship? I love him so much and I believe he is really struggling right now, but I was so sure that he was it, he was the one. I know it’s fresh but I still can’t accept that he might not be the one.

Please, any advice or kind words would be so appreciated! I live alone and I literally don’t have a single friend besides him, so I’m super isolated. I’m just lost.