Emotionally Unavailable for Spouse
I’ve been married for 34 years. We’ve been dealing with mental illness in our family for most of our marriage. My wife has Major Depressive Disorder, and I’m Bipolar II. She’s been hospitalized 3 times, and I’ve been hospitalized 7 times. We are both on multiple medications; I’m up to 9 a day.
We have three kids who are adults and out of the house with solid jobs. My wife was instrumental in their success and happiness. No grandkids.
Throughout our marriage, my disorder has really affected my life and my family’s life.
For about 20 years now, I’ve been checked out emotionally. I’m hollow. My feelings are stunted. I don’t laugh, and I don’t cry. I don’t like to be touched, and I’d much rather be alone. Now the house is just her and me. My wife has a full range of emotions. I don’t. It’s partly the meds and partly the disorder.
This past Sunday, my wife was feeling down and was crying a little bit. I didn’t know how to comfort her. I did talk to her, but I really wasn’t any comfort to her. I could tell she needed a hug, but I just couldn’t bring myself to. I feel like I’m going to lose control mentally if I have physical contact. Now I hate myself. There are a few things done each week, or when needed, that can make a marriage go much smoother, but I can’t do them. Throughout my life, I always thought I had to work to support my family financially. No matter what, regardless of how I felt.
I’ve designed my feelings/meds to be able to work. If that’s feeling nothing, then I had to do it for my family.
Now I’m at a different stage in my life, 57, where I could be more emotionally available, but I’ve tried so hard not to feel anything because I had a responsibility to my family for financial support, and if I didn’t take the meds, all of that would have gone out the window.
Make Sense?