u/International-Use133

TLDR: boyfriend found out I had a one night stand the same day that we broke up last year - and says I cheated and has been verbally abusive. Having trouble knowing if I alone am responsible for everything going on now, or if he’s acting wrongly.

Our relationship (me F26, him M30) was quite tumultuous for various reasons - including long distance, but also extreme jealousy from his end, and intense avoidance from my end (barely wanting to spend time with him or visit him in Barcelona where he lives). I was in love with him, but felt like he didn't really allow me room to breathe - although admittedly it was my first relationship and I think I was scared of proximity and wanted more room than was normal for a relationship. Several things happened but I ended up breaking things off with him in July of last year.

Our breakup was super long and drawn out over like three weeks- and toxic, he said horrible things to me including that he hoped I went to sleep and never woke up. We would break up and then the next day he would call and we would cry and decide to keep trying.

At this point I was emotionally checked out and honestly exhausted and traumatized. In one of the times we broke up, I had a one night stand that next day- I was numb and it was awful, and I wasn’t proud of it. But then the next day he called me and we got back together again only to break up again a week later for good.

Fast forward a year later - we’ve been seeing each other again super intensely - he’s still been dealing w a lot of insecurities which I’ve been trying to reassure and show him my full commitment to him, including spending almost two months straight in his place, and me considering moving to his city (he gave me a 10 day timeframe to move in- but that’s aside). Last night he blew up on me, yelling and asking if I had been with someone while we were still together. Turns out he had gone through my phone and exported my chat with my best friend onto his phone. He read everything and called me a whore repeatedly- and has been reading out to me private messages I sent to my friend about guys I started seeing very shortly after my breakup - guilt tripping me about how fast I moved on and saying I’m a slut and never cared about him, and used him. I explained it was a coping mechanism and I wasn’t over him I was just trying to distract myself and it was awful and I’m sorry, but we weren’t together. He says he doesn’t know if he can ever trust me again- and that if we hadn’t broken up that time I probably would have cheated on him in any case. Before he revealed all this of him having read everything on my phone he was also aggressive sexually with me when trying to initiate sex, and when I said no repeatedly is when he exploded.

Is he right about anything, am I fully to blame and is there any way we can stay together? He has always been giving his all in the relationship and I have been always fleeing and taking him for granted - it feels like I potentially abused him emotionally for that.

Our relationship (me F26, him M30) was quite tumultuous for various reasons - including long distance, but also extreme jealousy from his end, and intense avoidance from my end (barely wanting to spend time with him or visit him in Barcelona where he lives). I was in love with him, but felt like he didn't really allow me room to breathe - although admittedly it was my first relationship and I think I was scared of proximity and wanted more room than was normal for a relationship. Several things happened but I ended up breaking things off with him in July of last year.

Our breakup was super long and drawn out over like three weeks- and toxic, he said horrible things to me including that he hoped I went to sleep and never woke up. We would break up and then the next day he would call and we would cry and decide to keep trying.

At this point I was emotionally checked out and honestly exhausted and traumatized. In one of the times we broke up, I had a one night stand that next day- I was numb and it was awful, and I wasn’t proud of it. But then the next day he called me and we got back together again only to break up again a week later for good.

Fast forward a year later - we’ve been seeing each other again super intensely - he’s still been dealing w a lot of insecurities which I’ve been trying to reassure and show him my full commitment to him, including spending almost two months straight in his place, and me considering moving to his city (he gave me a 10 day timeframe to move in- but that’s aside). Last night he blew up on me, yelling and asking if I had been with someone while we were still together. Turns out he had gone through my phone and exported my chat with my best friend onto his phone. He read everything and called me a whore repeatedly- and has been reading out to me private messages I sent to my friend about guys I started seeing shortly after my breakup - guilt tripping me about how fast I moved on and saying I’m a slut. I explained it was a coping mechanism and I wasn’t over him I was just trying to distract myself and it was awful and I’m sorry, but we weren’t together. He says he doesn’t know if he can ever trust me again- and that if we hadn’t broken up that time I probably would have cheated on him in any case. Before he revealed all this of him having read everything on my phone he was also aggressive sexually with me when trying to initiate sex, and when I said no repeatedly is when he exploded.

Is he right about anything, am I fully to blame and is there any way we can stay together?

TLDR: Were together for a year - long distance. Broke up for 7 months because I (F26) I moved to a beach town (online work)- for the community and nature and he (M30) was hurt and jealous and I didn’t spend enough time with him. 7 months later have restarted, after 1 month and a half together he wants me to move in with him in two weeks or if not break up again but there are still major issues of distrust from him, anxious attachment and resentment that I’m not sure will if living together will fix or amplify.

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I broke up with him when I moved for a couple months to the beach town. Throughout our first relationship was quite tumultuous for various reasons - including long distance, but also extreme jealousy from his end, and intense avoidance from my end (barely wanting to spend time with him or visit him where he lives). I was in love with him, but felt like he didn't really allow me room to breathe - although admittedly it was my first relationship and I think I was scared of proximity and wanted more room than was normal for a relationship. Several things happened but I ended up breaking things off with him in July of 2025 due to me choosing to move to a beach town for a few months.

However in January of this year, I came back to my city for a few months and within that time frame I've restarted things with him following a visit to see him in his city in March, and have been spending several weeks with him back to back. It has been lovely reconnecting, and I realise I really love him for many reasons and appreciate him as a partner, but I'm having trouble knowing whether to continue with him or not. The reason for this is because my original plan was to move to back to the beach town for a few months in May, as I had only planned on coming to my city for a few months. I have a great deal of community in the town and feel very aligned there, surrounded by nature. However, he wants me to move in with him and look for a place together in his city as he cannot move due to his job, and has told me he does not want to do long distance for any amount of time even if I come visit every two weeks, and even after me suggesting that I could move with him after I spend the summer in beach town. So after many discussions and fear of losing him, I have agreed to only spend two weeks in the beach town now to collect my things, and then go stay with him in his city for us to find a place together.