I want to give up
In January of this year I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and as a 16 year old boy it has been so hard. For the last couple of months I have been up and down. However, recently I have been feeling very depressed. I feel like nothingness and I feel like I am phasing through heavy objects yet i partly feel these heavy objects weighing on my heart. I feel so depressed I don't know how to explain it. The three main emotions I have been feeling are relief, anxiety, and loneliness. I have felt relief because the majority of me is giving up and doesn't want to try in life anymore. I feel anxiety because how I am failing most of my classes, knowing il most likely need to take summer school. i also anxious because I feel like I am letting people in my life down. Finally I feel immense loneliness because of my situation at home, my dad works a lot so he is not around a lot and my 2 older sibling have a life of their own. for the last couple of night I have cried because I feel like I cant take this anymore, each time I cry my heart literally ache and it hurts. I have concluded that In the recent months where I would have ups where would feel "alive" and "happy" have all been fake and it was me masking my feelings because deep down my depression never truly went away. Yes I want to be a bum and do nothing but sleep in all day everyday because sleep is so much better than real life, however, I know I cant just do that and life isn't that easy. I wish I could go away unexpectedly, fast, and painless so that there wouldn't be any doubt or hesitation in my decision so i could finally rest. part of me also wants to just drop out of high school and take some time to myself then go to community college after i have healed and pursue a career but that's naive of me to think. I cant take this anymore and I don't want to disappoint my dad. I don't know what to do anymore.