u/Into_darknightmares

We just got the call, my sister in law just went into labour, 3 weeks after we lost our beautiful baby girl. I’m not sure how I feel, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel.

We’re picking our daughter’s ashes up on Monday and I just don’t know how I will cope if she gives birth that day.

My own sisters had babies young and are a lot older than me so I didn’t get to share pregnancy with them as I was too young.

My sister in law is like an actual sister, she helped clear our baby girls nursery when we got back from the hospital. She is so strong, she helped us so much all while she was 9 months pregnant. She didn’t have a great birth experience with her first child so we spoke a lot about this birth and now I don’t even know how I’ll ask her about it without tearing up.

We had a spa day in March and it was so lovely to both be pregnant at the same time. Both growing our family together. She was excited to be an auntie. She was supposed to give birth at the end of May and then we were due 2 months later, we were supposed to have a summer filled with days out and texts about our sleepless nights. Instead I need to mentally prepare to hold our beautiful baby nephew without longing for our baby girl.

In a state of grief,
confined to a bed that wasn’t my own,
survival depending on rest,
but I didn’t know
if I even wanted to survive.

My body so weak
it could barely accept the truth.
Too weak to hold
the weight of what had happened.

A future stolen.
An emptiness
where motherhood should have been.

I let myself fall into it.
Let myself feel the unfairness fully.

I wonder if you noticed,
the preparations I made

In those final weeks; final days

I stood without meaning,
without hope,
without life

No routine could have filled the emptiness of not being your wife

Words with no meaning,
Time without hope

Everything I wanted,
I could no longer cope,
years of empty promises,
louder than words

Words with no meaning,
Loneliness I hoped you would fix

A simple life, a simple happy life, a shared last name, a child made from love

No anniversary, no special memories,
just grief drowning hope,
happiness starved,
my heart could not cope

I had CIN3 in August 2024, went in for a LEEP. Follow up smear February 2025 came back abnormal, colposcopy biopsy taken in March, results gave me the all clear May 2025. Investigation for PCOS followed in the months after, naturally conceived our miracle baby November 2025. Lost her at 23+5 due to extreme prematurely and cervical insufficiency.

I had never even heard of PPROM until I was rushed into hospital and taken to the delivery ward at 23 weeks pregnant. Our beautiful girl was developing perfectly, I was anxious for the first 12 weeks but feeling our baby kick from 18 weeks gave me so much hope. I am still in shock. Our 20 week scan was perfect, we had the most active baby. Her heart was perfect, everything was perfect. Except for me, my body failed her.

We heard her heartbeat just an hour before I gave birth. She was alive when I gave birth, I wasn’t prepared but I did it, I gave birth to our beautiful baby. She was too small and they couldn’t save her. She died shortly after birth.

I was asking about the cervical stitch and internal scans from my very first appointment at the hospital, none of them were concerned. I had so many appointments and seen a couple of different consultants and I kept having to repeat myself, telling them about my LEEP but they were clueless and the stitch was never even considered.

I was supposed to have the first cervical measurement done at 16 weeks but they cancelled and I ended up getting booked in for the internal scan at 19 weeks with the follow up at 23 weeks. I was told that the booking was abnormal and the timings were actually later than the normal monitoring pathway.

I went into maternity A&E with some pains and they didn’t even check my cervix, told me it was just growing pains and made me feel like I was wasting their time. It was 2am and I was in there for hours before being dismissed with paracetamol and growing pains.

Less than 2 weeks later I was back in, still with pains and it was my routine internal check. Well somehow during those 4 weeks I dilated 4cm. It was too late for the stitch and I was diagnosed with extreme preterm labour. I was on bed rest for 5 days, I did everything I could to keep my baby safe. Why didn’t they check my cervix when I went in the middle of the night with pain?

My baby died and I feel like she could have been saved if they had given me the stitch. Prior to the CIN3 diagnosis I was on the waiting list for 14 months because I had bleeding after sex and they couldn’t take a smear because of my sensitive cervix.

I remember telling the hospital gynaecologist that I would be in pain simply from lying on my front too long and felt like it was a cervix issue. He dismissed me and said that wouldn’t be related. He did a cold coagulation, took a smear and sent me on my way.

Less than a week later the results were back, CIN3, and I was in for the LEEP operation. I’m so scared to get pregnant again, what if I just have a bad cervix? What if my body fails me, fails our baby, again? What if something else kills our baby?

I’m so anxious to try again but my body aches to have my baby, it’s been 3 weeks since we lost our baby girl. We get her ashes back on Monday.

I’m so scared. We want to try again but I don’t know how I can keep my baby alive for 40 weeks, I wasn’t anxious about stillbirth before but after reading stories of other baby loss experiences, I feel like I’m now seeing a whole new dark side to the world, the dark world of grieving parents, I am now scared of experiencing still birth and miscarriage. I’m scared of giving birth, I’m scared of being helpless. I’m in disbelief that babies can die after 30 weeks of growing, I am petrified of losing another baby.

I had CIN3 in August 2024, went in for a LEEP. Follow up smear February 2025 came back abnormal, colposcopy biopsy taken in March, results gave me the all clear May 2025. Investigation for PCOS followed in the months after, naturally conceived our miracle baby November 2025. Lost her at 23+5 due to extreme prematurely and cervical insufficiency.

I had never even heard of PPROM until I was rushed into hospital and taken to the delivery ward at 23 weeks pregnant. Our beautiful girl was developing perfectly, I was anxious for the first 12 weeks but feeling our baby kick from 18 weeks gave me so much hope. I am still in shock. Our 20 week scan was perfect, we had the most active baby. Her heart was perfect, everything was perfect. Except for me, my body failed her.

We heard her heartbeat just an hour before I gave birth. She was alive when I gave birth, I wasn’t prepared but I did it, I gave birth to our beautiful baby. She was too small and they couldn’t save her. She died shortly after birth.

I was asking about the cervical stitch and internal scans from my very first appointment at the hospital, none of them were concerned. I had so many appointments and seen a couple of different consultants and I kept having to repeat myself, telling them about my LEEP but they were clueless and the stitch was never even considered.

I was supposed to have the first cervical measurement done at 16 weeks but they cancelled and I ended up getting booked in for the internal scan at 19 weeks with the follow up at 23 weeks. I was told that the booking was abnormal and the timings were actually later than the normal monitoring pathway.

I went into maternity A&E with some pains and they didn’t even check my cervix, told me it was just growing pains and made me feel like I was wasting their time. It was 2am and I was in there for hours before being dismissed with paracetamol and growing pains.

Less than 2 weeks later I was back in, still with pains and it was my routine internal check. Well somehow during those 4 weeks I dilated 4cm. It was too late for the stitch and I was diagnosed with extreme preterm labour. I was on bed rest for 5 days, I did everything I could to keep my baby safe. Why didn’t they check my cervix when I went in the middle of the night with pain?

My baby died and I feel like she could have been saved if they had given me the stitch. Prior to the CIN3 diagnosis I was on the waiting list for 14 months because I had bleeding after sex and they couldn’t take a smear because of my sensitive cervix.

I remember telling the hospital gynaecologist that I would be in pain simply from lying on my front too long and felt like it was a cervix issue. He dismissed me and said that wouldn’t be related. He did a cold coagulation, took a smear and sent me on my way.

Less than a week later the results were back, CIN3, and I was in for the LEEP operation. I’m so scared to get pregnant again, what if I just have a bad cervix? What if my body fails me, fails our baby, again?

Please advocate for yourself and your baby if you’re pregnant after having a LEEP

Tomorrow my baby girl is being cremated and I honestly can’t ever imagine a day when I will feel at peace with that.

At peace with the fact our perfect little girl isn’t alive anymore, was alive for a heartbreakingly short life. Never actually got to experience being alive.

There’s so much hatred in this evil world, so many awful news headlines, so much negativity. We are good people, a happy and loving couple who just wanted to live in their tiny part of the world with their tiny baby girl.

How am I supposed to dampen the loneliness that follows after everyone else has gone home and life is expected to continue? Life feels wrong now, breathing feels wrong. The heaviness we now have to carry with us is so unfair, just so unfair

Did anybody else have one of those week by week pregnancy journals? I don’t even know what to do with mine. It’s heartbreaking to see it only a quarter filled. Knowing my beautiful baby girl will never get to read it, to read how loved she was from the very start, read about our days out and the day we chose her name.

I don’t know how I’m going to survive this pain, the pain of finding something that reminds me of this loss. The pain of living in the house that our baby girl was supposed to grow up in, the pain of those stolen memories, stolen opportunities for our growing family.

I don’t think I can survive this. Time was stolen from us, our beautiful baby daughter lived for 38 minutes before she died and I don’t know if I can survive this pain.

My life has been filled with pain and emptiness, I had skin cancer in my teens and a cervical cancer scare a few years ago. I’ve been betrayed by people I’ve trusted, and dragged myself out of a pit of depression only to have my child die. I feel lost, broken, empty.

Our beautiful daughter was born 3 months early, I spent 6 months growing a life inside me and as a couple, those moments were some our happiest. We were a family, we were complete. Every kick was a blessing, she was our blessing. After years of bad luck, we were given the most beautiful gift of all. I wanted for nothing more in life than to be a mother, to see the love of my life be a father. To raise our daughter in a house filled with love and happiness, to show her how important the little things are in life. Every moment would have been cherished.

I’ll never get to sing to her in the kitchen while I’m baking her dad’s favourite brownies, she will never get to plant tomatoes with her grandad or brush our dogs hair. We will never get to show her the world or teach her how to swim. We will never get to fall asleep with her in our arms knowing that every horrible moment we had lived was worth it knowing we were blessed with this beautiful child.

I don’t know how I’m going to survive this, I don’t even know if I want to survive this. I don’t want to live in a world without my baby, I don’t want to decorate the Christmas tree without her, I don’t want to leave the house without her, I don’t want to breathe without her.