u/IntrepidAspect3447 — reddlx

Found out my boyfriend of 2 years is a pathological liar

Snack pack and nicotine, been struggling to eat. This is gonna be a doozy… if you have time, buckle up.

I just found out 6 weeks ago that my boyfriend is a porn addict, and all the lies unraveled from there.

We entered this relationship 2 years ago with the explicit agreement that it’s porn-free. No judgment to anyone who does different, I don’t mind what others do in their relationships, but I can’t have it in mine. I have very strong personal reasons including an addict father, a broken family, past abusive partners, and a history of being trafficked as a teenager. So, for quite obvious reasons, I can’t date someone who participates in that.

Well, not only was he lying the whole time, he was watching porn that glorifies the abuse I’ve been through. >!Explicit misogyny porn, r*pe, trafficking fantasies, CNC that appears very real. He was following a subreddit called “femaleinferiority” and “misogynycaps.” Some of the captions on the posts were so directly offensive, like “pick a girl who’s pre-traumatized, they let you abuse them.”!<

After I found this out the lies started pouring out.

He lied about a disabling car accident in his past and exaggerated his injuries — I am physically disabled for real. He used this as a reason to avoid helping with anything around the house or doing physical activity. He let me do it all myself for a long time, when I am actually disabled and he’s not. When I mentioned being in pain or struggling to get around, he would always make it about himself, and suddenly he was in pain and struggling too. I believed him because I never thought someone would lie about this, especially not to take advantage of another disabled person. I also have autism so I tend to be very generous and accepting, easy to forgive, patient, hyper empathetic, etc.

He also fabricated an intense trauma background. Again, I believed it because I’ve been through an unusually rough life. He told me he had been involved with gangs and fighting in his past but he had escaped that life, he even went so far as to say he had seen people die there and he had accidentally killed someone in a fight while defending himself. He faked PTSD and nightmares over this. I would comfort him about this. I didn’t question it because I have experienced being trafficked by a gang as a teenager and young adult, and I have actually seen people beaten, and actually seen bodies. I thought I had just met someone who could understand me. It was all a lie.

On top of that, he would worry about money constantly and claim to be broke. He fabricated stories about his abusive family because my family was abusive and I grew up poor. His family literally owns a mansion — A MANSION. For context, Steph Curry put a bid on the house next to theirs! His parents are far from abusive, they even have his childhood scribbles framed in their formal dining room, and paid for him to do art camps, surfing, diving, photography, traveling, blacksmithing, sculpting, etc. He has been letting me pay for dates, for hotels when we go on trips, for our meals. He lives with his parents (another lie, when we met he told me he had his own place but shortly after moved back in with them, which was never true) and so we always hung out at my place, so I’ve been paying for all the groceries, cleaning up after two people, etc. all while disabled. Reader… he has a TRUST FUND. He doesn’t even know how much is in it! His parents bought his sister a house in a VERY hcol area. I have zero family, I mean literally zero. The cognitive dissonance is killing me.

He’s the one who pursued me very hard. I was happy on my own and not in any rush to date, I made him wait a long time because I was afraid of being bait and switched or tricked. I’ve had so many abusive relationships. He kept up the lies for so long… I also just found out that he has been faking doctor’s appointments to avoid being here for me — he seriously got cocky enough to claim he had a 7pm in-person appointment with GI. I’m chronically ill and disabled, I know damn well no GI doctor is seeing you in person after 5pm. We share locations and he even drove out to a parking lot and sat there for 45 mins, and tried to tell me he left his phone in the car, and named the clinic he went to — he planned out the lie. He used to beg me for my time so much that I made my schedule open for him, and now in order to avoid me and get “more alone time,” he’s fabricating fake appointments and sitting out in parking lots to back up the lie. He admitted it. Finally admitted he’s been doing this for over a year.

What makes this worse is that I barely see him anyway. I see him on the weekends maybe, and he frequently changes plans last minute because he wants to go surfing or his friends made last minute plans. I never trapped him into a relationship, he convinced me that he was worth dating and pursued me aggressively and repeatedly. He could have just stayed single. He started a 9-5 job shortly after we met and he hates it and it makes him miserable, so he takes it out on me. He was my partner and I hardly ever saw him. He acts like I take away all his alone time. I barely see him why is he with me? It sounds like he hates me! All of this is news to me! I’m the type of partner to sit down and ask for updates, “how are you feeling? Is there anything I can do better? Is this relationship still working for you?” I’m convinced that he never loved me or even saw me as a person, I was just some warm body to fulfill his twisted porn addicted brain.

Before him, I had worked very hard on healing my extensive trauma, and was in a really good place in my life. He has slowly broken me down over the past years and all of his lies have brought my PTSD rearing to the surface. I’m struggling to eat or sleep. I’ve lost a total of 20lbs since December, 10 of that in just the past month.

Worst of all, I’m so far out of his league that it’s not even funny. I make a dating profile and I hit 9,999+ likes and it stops counting within an hour of making a new profile. I’m talented and successful in my field, I run a business, I have extreme job flexibility and make a much higher than usual income. Everything I have is hard earned, and self-made. I was put through hell and came out the other side emotionally intelligent, exceptionally communicative, kind, calm, generous, patient, etc. I studied early childhood education and development to be a better mother to my future children because mine was awful, I’ve done years and years of therapy and have mastery under my belt in five modalities, I’m certified in mindfulness based stress reduction and qualified to teach. I’m like a fucking saint. On top of that, I’m even so good in bed that every ex I’ve ever had says I’m the best they’ve ever had, and I get emails and DMs and even Spotify messages from my exes like clockwork every 6-12 months about how bad they fumbled me and how much they regret it. I still have exes from over 10 years ago constantly regretting and stalking me, begging to talk, begging for a chance.

There isn’t anything I could’ve done better. He did all of this because I was TOO good. Made him feel inadequate, made him realize he hated himself, realize he was a pathological liar and unfit to be a partner. All the things he promised me and convinced me he was ready for, that he loved himself, he was healed, was ready for a family, etc. He was lying to me from day 1.

My head is spinning. I feel sick to my stomach. I know if I read this story from anyone else I would say ditch the man, he’s a complete loser, don’t shed a single tear. But he let me get close to his family — his sister just adopted a baby and I’ve been dying to spend more time with her. I just got comfortable talking with his parents and grandma (I grew up in a very abusive family and it’s really hard for me to be around families). His mom just invited me to learn pottery and that she would teach me, I’ve spent all my holidays with them. I was starting to believe that the safety and love and security of such a healthy, well-off family could belong to me too. In my world, these things don’t exist. I let my guard down and let myself feel accepted and safe with his family. They love me and are so nice to me.

I’m mourning not just the lies, the cognitive dissonance, the manipulation and the abuse… but I’m mourning all over again being left alone, having family ripped away from me, not knowing safety or security beyond myself. I have to readjust to it just being me, myself and I to rely on and I have to do it all while freshly triggered, having PTSD flares, mourning my new family, dealing with impacts to my business and lost income, and dealing with worsening health. This situation has caused me to become progressively more sick and I’ve been in bed with pneumonia for the past 4 weeks. I have MCAS, ME/CFS, mixed POTs/OH, hEDS, narcolepsy, small fiber neuropathy, severe cPTSD, and AuDHD. I have all of these disabling conditions and I can’t sleep or eat, and I’m doing everything alone, with a mountain of pain on top of me.

Why didn’t he just leave me alone? I wish I never met him. Somehow my brain still thinks I love him. I’m grasping at nothing. I know I’m an idiot. I know this was never real, and never what I thought it was. I know. I just don’t know how to accept it.

u/IntrepidAspect3447 — 2 days ago

▲ 14 r/loveafterporn

I haven’t been sleeping for weeks.

My flair says “ex” because my PA and I are currently separated.

I started dating this guy almost 2 years ago — after a string of terrible men in my past, he was perfect. He brought me thoughtful gifts, planned dates, picked me up every time. He would come over just to sit next to me in bed when I was sick or tired from my disability, stay up late into the night talking about our dreams, fears, memories, etc. He was the first guy I ever met who I felt was an intellectual match for me, and I really thought it would finally be my turn to be happy.

From the very beginning, I was open about my stance on porn. It ruined my parent’s marriage and my family, I grew up groomed and trafficked in my teens, and I’ve dated several PAs, some of whom were physically abusive when discovered. So because of all of this, I was so careful — I disclosed my feelings, my past, my reasonings, my trauma. I shared videos on the neuroscience of porn, and links to some statistics because he seemed interested. I approached from the angle of “hey, we just met so no hard feelings or judgement if this is a part of your life, it just can’t be part of mine! If that doesn’t work for you then no worries.”

You can all probably guess what happened because I’m far from the first woman here to experience this. He told me it was not a problem at all, that he hardly watched porn prior to meeting me, that he found it disgusting and unrealistic. He condemned the men in my past, saying things like “I can’t believe anyone could treat you like that,” and “don’t they know how lucky they were to have you?” I felt complete safety and trust with this man. I have a lot of dating experience and I genuinely felt this man was my match, finally. I’m around 30 y/o so I’ve been wanting to settle down for a while now. He was in therapy consistently, treated me well, and was smart and talented. I felt lucky.

Well, 3 months in he opens his Reddit app and the first thing I see is a naked woman on his homepage. I froze, my blood went cold. Red flag number one, he said he “didn’t realize that was still on there,” that the content was old, he was so sorry, he would make sure to clear out all old followings. He “thought he already got it all.” He seemed so remorseful, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Besides, it was probably the “best” kind of porn it could’ve been — girls who looked like me, realistic bodies and faces, and the content seemed centered on normal / realistic / healthy sex. I attributed it to his time being single and let it slide.

By month 6, he was no longer doing the sweet things for me, emotionally withdrawing, deeper conversations shut down, sex became less frequent. I’ve seen this happen before. I knew. He had always given me access to his phone but I never checked it before because I didn’t want to be put in that position again, after going through it with my exes. I confronted him around that 6-7 month mark and asked to look at his phone. There it was… misogyny porn, r4r, 18 / teen / petite / barely legal. The captions on the porn were mortifying. Things like women are objects to be used, you’re just a set of holes, dad’s should raise their daughters “right,” be a gender-betrayer and feed your friends to him, you deserved to be r*ped, girls who drink deserve to get drugged, alcohol-assisted-consent, etc.

Prior to discovering this, I had always believed I enjoyed certain activities in the bedroom. Due to my trauma, it felt like me regaining control over things that had happened to me. Rough things, BDSM, consensual power play or CNC. I thought I liked those things, but seeing the narrative behind it for these men ripped that wound wide open. Everything I thought I liked was a lie. I felt like I had been conditioned to accept and perpetuate my own abuse. I spiraled and went through a dark period of sexual confusion and my PTSD flared up badly.

Seeing how he hurt me seemed to break something in him. I broke up with him, and he begged for me back. He was on his knees, bringing gifts, planning dates, being so polite that he wouldn’t even try to hold my hand or ask for a hug without my explicit permission. He said he had removed all of that from his life and he was so ashamed. I feel so stupid for it now, but I believed him again. He seemed genuinely agonized over it, disgusted with himself.

Our relationship improved for a couple of months, and then declined again. Of course I knew. He was emotionally distant, unreliable, inconsistent, not putting me first ever or showing care for me. Just going through the motions of life totally detached, and making everything about himself. If I called him over because I was having a hard time, somehow I would end up taking care of him? Like, “hey I’m struggling with my health, can you come over and help me with some things,” and somehow I end up doing everything myself and holding him and stroking his hair because he was always so stressed out.

I recently learned that I have moral scrupulosity OCD along with autism, and found out that what I was doing (always dropping my needs to put others first) was compulsive. I asked him for support in recovering from this, but he never changed. I know how stupid I sound, believe me, but I genuinely thought he hadn’t relapsed again.

Six weeks ago, I asked to look at his phone again. He hesitated but gave it to me, I guess he thought he had cleared all of the evidence. Well, he accidentally put some Reddit porn in the “hidden” tab instead of deleting the history. I noticed the history was empty and questioned him and he tried to gaslight me, saying it deletes automatically, like I’m stupid. I found the hidden posts and the timeline matches up with all the relationship struggles.

The worst part is that I’m disabled with a condition that is worsened by stress, and he knows this. I have extensive trauma background on this subject and was trafficked, and worked as an escort and as a porn actress at 18-20 to escape an abusive home. He knows all of this, and yet even after seeing me break down and get sick repeatedly, he didn’t stop. He kept hiding it. He lied and gaslit me into doubting my reality, causing severe stress and confusion and loss of trust with myself. All of my therapy sessions became about him, all the hard work I had done over the years came tumbling down. My PTSD is in an uproar. And it was the same content he said disgusted him, the same misogynistic content. The sub he used to use got banned and he just found another one. He did all of this knowingly.

Now we are broken up again and I haven’t been sleeping for 6 weeks. Every time I try to sleep, I get PTSD flashbacks to all the horrible men I’ve experienced. I don’t know a single good man in this world. I’ve been unable to work and lost thousands of dollars in income. He’s still begging to fix it. Now he says he’s an addict, he needs help, he couldn’t help himself, there is something wrong with him for him to risk our relationship. He’s swearing he will pay me back my lost wages, he got a CSAT, he started a PAA group, he put accountability apps on his phone, gave me all his passwords. He’s been over here multiple times a week doing my laundry and cleaning and feeding me because I’ve stopped functioning. And it still doesn’t feel like enough.

He’s deeply suicidal and doesn’t know how to stop making everything about himself. I fell asleep for a short 20 minutes and woke up screaming from flashbacks when he was here the other day, and he came to check on me. I started rambling off about the flashbacks and all the terrible things men do, and included him in that statement. What did he do? Spun it all around and made himself a victim. Started whiny huffing and puffing, acting weak, struggled to get up off the floor and “fell” over pathetically. Telling me that how is he supposed to help me when all I do is tell him how wrong he is and how terrible he is, comparing him to rapists and sex addicts, to my dad, to the men who trafficked me. While I was in an active PTSD episode with vivid flashbacks he did this. Made it about himself.

I’ve constantly had to “train” him on basic emotions, he has rejection sensitivity dysphoria so badly and he hates himself. It’s all so much worse because when we met and I chose to date him, this is not the man I saw. He said he “spent 2 years single really learning to love himself and working with his therapist,” and that his “therapist and friends all told him they think he’s ready to have a partner.” He sold me so many lies. He’s extremely selfish all of the time. I could be in the ER and he will find a way to make it about himself. He’s tired, he’s hungry, his hip hurts, now he’s limping, won’t anybody ask him how he’s doing??? At home is no better, his parents hate him, the world is unfair, his boss is terrible, blah blah blah blah.

I can’t sleep. I have narcolepsy, MCAS, hEDS, ME/CFS, POTs, OH, AuDHD and I CAN’T SLEEP. Sleep deprivation makes my health conditions 1000x worse. I can’t close my eyes without seeing the horrors of men. Every day I spend here and on girldinnerdiaries just reading about how much men hurt women. I feel I’m becoming a misandrist. I feel broken, I don’t trust anyone. I’ve been to the ER twice, had an episode resembling a stroke, and then got sick with severe pneumonia and chest wall infection with pleurisy in the past 6 weeks.

It’s STILL all about him. He’s “trying” everything and it still feels all about him every day. How hard it is for him. How sad he is. How much he’s trying. Why can’t I just give up and leave? Why do I do this to myself? What am I holding on to? It’s just the idea of a man who never existed in the first place.

I feel like my world has fallen apart and I’m giving up on any dreams of having a family or a life partner. Even if he fixed everything, I don’t think it would make a difference. He’s my fifth porn addict in a row to make it past 1.5-2 years of lying. I don’t get how they keep it up while the relationship falls apart, watching us bend over backwards to save things, hours of research and communication, so much thought and effort and the whole time they are actively sabotaging it all. Is it even worth it to start over with another man and just go through this all again? Is the devil I know still better than something new? At least he’s in all the therapy and groups. A new guy could be even worse.

I’m exhausted and my heart hurts. I just want to sleep, not even Klonopin, Xanax, and Flexeril are doing anything anymore. I hate him. I hate every man I’ve ever known.

As we speak, I’m watching his location on FindMy because he made a bogus excuse that he couldn’t come be here today because he has a 7pm doctor’s appointment. He’s currently sitting outside Panda Express, nowhere near his doctor’s office. He knows I have his location. I’m so done with him.

I’m sorry this is so long. I should maybe label as a vent but I could really use some support. Thank you if you took the time to hear me out. I’m really sad to be here, and sad that all of you have to be here too.

reddit.com

u/IntrepidAspect3447 — 3 days ago

▲ 3 r/loveafterporn

How do you trust anyone? (Trigger warning)

Every single man I’ve ever known in my entire life. Not one of them has cared more about the pain they caused me (or other women), than their selfish wants. All of my friends, all of my family, all of the men. I don’t personally know a single woman who is happy with a man.

My father, my brother, the men who exploited me as a teenager, the ones who paid for my body when I was 18-20, trafficked and disabled with no family support and bills to pay.

Every partner I’ve ever had has been a porn addict. I tried so hard to avoid them, I asked all the right questions, I watched for all the right behavior. Now my recent partner of almost 2 years has blindsided me again — not only was he watching porn after agreeing since day 1 that it isn’t allowed in my relationships, but it’s been misogyny porn. The worst kinds of porn. Barely legal, drugging, pain, rape.

I finally thought I was with a good, caring man. My last partner literally caused me to develop mast cell activation syndrome and become permanently more disabled when I found all the money he was sending to cam girls, right after we were trying on engagement rings. I picked myself up and started again, each time destroying my health more and more.

This partner knew how bad it would hurt me. Knew my past with addicts and being trafficked. Knew my personal involvement with the industry. Agreed to the rules, acted the part. Claimed he “never really liked porn” and “thought it was gross.” Now he claims he’s an addict because it’s the easy way out rather than admitting that he did this knowing the consequences. He can’t think of one good reason why he’s done this to me so he must be an addict, because then, it’s not really his fault is it? He’s sick.

How do you trust men? I’ll be 30 this year and I don’t think I can do it anymore. I always wanted a family since mine was abusive, I always wanted to be a mother. But I can’t keep doing this.

All the married men who would pay for my body when I was 18, and talk about how much they loved their wives and family. It took me so long to heal from that and now discovering that this sweet man I wanted to marry has been getting off to the abuse and degradation and trafficking of women? They’re all the same.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Setting boundaries doesn’t work, they’ll lie. Cutting them off early doesn’t work, it’s just a forever revolving door of losers. They’re all like this. They hate themselves and they hate women.

I just want peace and safety. I’m TOO aware of reality, having experienced this topic from every direction. As a daughter, as a sister, as a partner, as a victim. As the woman betrayed, as the woman sold, as the woman abused, all of the above.

I already work with a therapist regularly but this is breaking me. My (now) ex wants me to let him work on it, he’s begging, he swears it will change but I KNOW it won’t. I already caught him with a lesser offense a year ago and the consequence was me breaking up with him for 4 months where he had to fight very hard to get me back. He got me back and does this again? No consequences will change his actions.

I can’t get over the fact that this is what he thinks of women. The misogyny porn is the worst. Some of the captions (warning):

>!“Alcohol assisted consent”!<
>!“Barely 18 Gen Z girls want to be abused”!<
>!“You deserve to be drugged and raped”!<
>!“Women are nothing more than holes”!<
>!“Daddy raped you as a little girl so now you let men abuse your body”!<

I even had to alter those because they violated the restricted word guidelines for this sub.

The subreddits get taken down and new ones pop up. Now this big news story about the rape academy? Men drugging their wives?

We really never stopped being second class citizens to them. Less than human. I can’t cope.

reddit.com

u/IntrepidAspect3447 — 14 days ago