u/IntroductionFormer20

Its gonna be a long post, sorry in advance.

Been with my (28F) husband(28M) for over a decade and married for 5 years. We are two completely different people in terms of our interests and preferences in life. I like living the daytime whereas he likes to live at night, I like relaxing poolside holidays and he finds them boring, he likes camping and I find camping unbearably unpleasent. I enjoy simple activities such as going to concerts, theaters, cafes but he doesn't. He either likes to go camping and hunting or stay at home and play video games all night long. We are definitely incompatible.

I love him more than life itself. I know he loves me too. But differently. Being right is always more important than me. He knows the best, he does the best, he is always right. Our values ideas and boundaries differ greatly. But we rarely fight, we get along pretty well. He is my best friend. Was. We used to talk and gossip and have fun until the sunrise. He used to be happy and excited to see me when I got home. Now he always camplains about how tired he is. He gets home earlier than me, and I often find him sleeping when i get home. He is not interested how my days are going. He doesn't initiate intimacy nearly half as much as I do. He doesn't initiate intimacy the way I would like... no actual foreplay, straight forward to oral. I told him that i would like to go on a romantic date, talk about the things that are not economy or politics, maybe go to a concert and that i miss foreplay. I told him these a couple of times, his response was a nightmare each time. He says things like we are not young anymore, couples like us live this way, we shouldnt be saying everything that annoys us, talking about promlems never helps and he never tells me what annoys him about me, he doesnt want to change. He never changed the way he initiates intimacy as well.

We rarely fight but when we do, even about the silliest thing, he gets angry and dare to speak about seperation. The first time he pronounced the word "divorce" in a very silly fight my heart almost stopped. The second time, I had stomach cramps all day. The third time, I started to shake uncontrollably.

I caught porn in his phone (this is basically cheating for me), he denied jerking off to other girls, even though i knew the truth when he spoke about divorce, I shut up and let it go. I didn't actually and have been suffering since that day but I just do not talk about it. The idea of a life without him used to terrify me. I was scared to even have a debate for a very long time, as it might result in a fight and he would get angry and leave me. His big reactions finally made me numb to the idea of divorce. I used to always ask for a cool off, try to calm him down because he says things that hurt me irreversibly. But now I dont even care. I used to send him spicy pics when we are at work or away from each other, but his poor reactions to them in addition to the porn issue made me stop trying. There is a saying in my native language: Being afraid to be killed constantly is ten times harder than being actually killed.

Now, he wants to have children. I do not. Particularly in this situation. I dont want to take full responsibility of a child while plays video games up until mornings and sleeps through the days. I dont want a time restriction for sex, we have all the time in the world and I still get no foreplay or the frequency I'd like. I do not want to fear from getting divorce again. I am not even sure if i will want kids ever. And he says he cannot do this life without kids. Obviously we had fights. And yes, he dared to speak about divorce again.

I seek help from a therapist. He suggested couples counseling. We met twice for therapy with him, I met him 4 times by myself. He suspects that my husbands actions are in the range of narcissism, he has zero empathy on a scale of a hundred. So he stopped seeing us and advice me to find a therapist specialized in section 2. I learnt that my husband also sees another therapist just for himself and he suggested that we do not talk about kids now as the wounds from our previous figh (which resulted in me taking off my wedding ring thanks to my husband asking for divorce and changed his mind in 3 hours) are still fresh. Now we live at peace and quiet with all the unspoken things are silently squishing us.

I doubt myself a lot. Does this happen to every relationship? Is this the best that I can have? Is it normal? When we do something together we still have fun, at least I do. Can we do things together more often, will we? Can things change? He says he is not gonna change but he doesnt want an instant divorce either, what does that mean?

I feel lost and confused.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Tl;DR we are incopatible and husband has narcissistic behaviors. I love him but I am tired of divorce threats. Seeking advice.

Its gonna be a long post, sorry in advance.

Been with my (28) husband(28) for over a decade and married for 5 years. We are two completely different people in terms of our interests and preferences in life. I like living the daytime whereas he likes to live at night, I like relaxing poolside holidays and he finds them boring, he likes camping and I find camping unbearably unpleasent. I enjoy simple activities such as going to concerts, theaters, cafes but he doesn't. He either likes to go camping and hunting or stay at home and play video games all night long. We are definitely incompatible.

I love him more than life itself. I know he loves me too. But differently. Being right is always more important than me. He knows the best, he does the best, he is always right. Our values ideas and boundaries differ greatly. But we rarely fight, we get along pretty well. He is my best friend. Was. We used to talk and gossip and have fun until the sunrise. He used to be happy and excited to see me when I got home. Now he always camplains about how tired he is. He gets home earlier than me, and I often find him sleeping when i get home. He is not interested how my days are going. He doesn't initiate intimacy nearly half as much as I do. He doesn't initiate intimacy the way I would like... no actual foreplay, straight forward to oral. I told him that i would like to go on a romantic date, talk about the things that are not economy or politics, maybe go to a concert and that i miss foreplay. I told him these a couple of times, his response was a nightmare each time. He says things like we are not young anymore, couples like us live this way, we shouldnt be saying everything that annoys us, talking about promlems never helps and he never tells me what annoys him about me, he doesnt want to change. He never changed the way he initiates intimacy as well.

We rarely fight but when we do, even about the silliest thing, he gets angry and dare to speak about seperation. The first time he pronounced the word "divorce" in a very silly fight my heart almost stopped. The second time, I had stomach cramps all day. The third time, I started to shake uncontrollably.

I caught porn in his phone (this is basically cheating for me), he denied jerking off to other girls, even though i knew the truth when he spoke about divorce, I shut up and let it go. I didn't actually and have been suffering since that day but I just do not talk about it. The idea of a life without him used to terrify me. I was scared to even have a debate for a very long time, as it might result in a fight and he would get angry and leave me. His big reactions finally made me numb to the idea of divorce. I used to always ask for a cool off, try to calm him down because he says things that hurt me irreversibly. But now I dont even care. I used to send him spicy pics when we are at work or away from each other, but his poor reactions to them in addition to the porn issue made me stop trying. There is a saying in my native language: Being afraid to be killed constantly is ten times harder than being actually killed.

Now, he wants to have children. I do not. Particularly in this situation. I dont want to take full responsibility of a child while plays video games up until mornings and sleeps through the days. I dont want a time restriction for sex, we have all the time in the world and I still get no foreplay or the frequency I'd like. I do not want to fear from getting divorce again. I am not even sure if i will want kids ever. And he says he cannot do this life without kids. Obviously we had fights. And yes, he dared to speak about divorce again.

I seek help from a therapist. He suggested couples counseling. We met twice for therapy with him, I met him 4 times by myself. He suspects that my husbands actions are in the range of narcissism, he has zero empathy on a scale of a hundred. So he stopped seeing us and advice me to find a therapist specialized in section 2. I learnt that my husband also sees another therapist just for himself and he suggested that we do not talk about kids now as the wounds from our previous figh (which resulted in me taking off my wedding ring thanks to my husband asking for divorce and changed his mind in 3 hours) are still fresh. Now we live at peace and quiet with all the unspoken things are silently squishing us.

I doubt myself a lot. Does this happen to every relationship? Is this the best that I can have? Is it normal? When we do something together we still have fun, at least I do. Can we do things together more often, will we? Can things change? He says he is not gonna change but he doesnt want an instant divorce either, what does that mean?

I feel lost and confused.

Any advice would be much appreciated.