u/InvestmentHefty4101

TW* brief mention of passive suicidal thoughts at the end

I had a revelation the other night after talking with some people in my family about these issues for the first time and I was like, I don’t want to live my entire life like this and want to be a good older sister and not have this be my entire life. But I know that one night isn’t enough to commit to recovery, even though it’s a start.
I’ve been eating more these past few days but it’s like my mind is screaming at me especially in the morning and at night. And it doesn’t help that I’m at a healthy weight and so it feels like I don’t deserve to recover yet. And I don’t want to gain weight and would prefer to keep losing weight.
I can’t see any professionals until I’m back in town in a few weeks as I’m out of state (in the US). And I’m still very hesitant to see them even though I know it’s nearly impossible to recover on your own. It just feels like too big of a step especially as I’ve been dodging seeing a dietician since 2024.
And last fall I was being recommended a HLOC and idk if that still applies as this is a relapse and I honestly don’t want to leave school or have everyone know about this in my life.
My digestion is all over the place, I feel foggy if I eat or don’t eat, but I think I’m medically stable at the moment.
I’d be scared that if I enter some kind of treatment that I’d resist the structure then, or use it as a kind of validation again like in my virtual IOP (not specifically for eating disorders but my group was great and that’s what I worked on with my therapist) that I’m “sick enough” as I see the professionals become more concerned. And I know if there’s enough containment they would be able to deal with that but still.
I also have depression which kinda sucks because it feels like it gets so much worse when I eat again, which like it doesn’t work that way exactly, but I feel >!suicidal!< at times when eating more even though I wouldn’t act on anything.

Basically what the title says.
Like I always find it so much harder to eat earlier in the day or even the afternoons a lot of the time and the anxiety is so much louder

Idk if this is just a weird one, but I have to wash my hands after washing parts of my body that feel “unclean” before touching anything else. I’ve gotten it down to only once while showering as I have a very specific routine, but I just wanted to know if anyone else does this 😭

I (20f) know some people have their outpatient teams discharge them if they need a HLOC, but idk if I even need that right now - although I have had a recommendation in the past.
I did a virtual IOP before for 13 weeks earlier this year and it wasn’t specifically for eating disorders in the program but that’s what I worked on and talked about in groups. I just got worse during the program and was discharged and recommended for a HLOC at the time but I didn’t go. I partially stabilized behaviorally at some point after the program because I had to be at home with my family from college.
Now fast forward over half a year and I’m relapsing. I have a primarily restrictive eating disorder (I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa last fall even though I was at a “healthy” weight) and I’m not sure what to do really. Just to be clear - I’m not trying to glamorize these disorders - when it comes down to it, they’re not pretty at all and have so many downsides and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I don’t want to get better for the most part, but my friends are worried. I don’t want to gain weight or stop these behaviors because they serve as a coping mechanism for me at the moment. I don’t want to stop going to college for this or have everyone in my life know about it.
I also feel like I used the IOP before as seeking validation that I was sick enough and that it was “serious” and so the worse I got, the more validation, and it didn’t have the containment to deal with that.
I’m really not sure but I really don’t want to do a HLOC even though I like the idea of needing one.

I (20f) know some people have their outpatient teams discharge them if they need a HLOC, but idk if I even need that right now - although I have had a recommendation in the past.
I did a virtual IOP before for 13 weeks earlier this year and it wasn’t specifically for eating disorders in the program but that’s what I worked on and talked about in groups. I just got worse during the program and was discharged and recommended for a HLOC at the time but I didn’t go. I partially stabilized behaviorally at some point after the program because I had to be at home with my family from college.
Now fast forward over half a year and I’m relapsing. I have a primarily restrictive eating disorder (I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa last fall even though I was at a “healthy” weight) and I’m not sure what to do really. Just to be clear - I’m not trying to glamorize these disorders - when it comes down to it, they’re not pretty at all and have so many downsides and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I don’t want to get better for the most part, but my friends are worried. I don’t want to gain weight or stop these behaviors because they serve as a coping mechanism for me at the moment. I don’t want to stop going to college for this or have everyone in my life know about it.
I also feel like I used the IOP before as seeking validation that I was sick enough and that it was “serious” and so the worse I got, the more validation, and it didn’t have the containment to deal with that.
I’m really not sure but I really don’t want to do a HLOC even though I like the idea of needing one.

Do any of you also tend to be pretty competitive even outside of the eating disorder? I feel like it doesn’t help with eating disorders especially but I just wanted to know if anyone else felt similarly

I’ll eat full meals with a lot of >!calories!< in one sitting after >!fasting!< for a few days but I still feel physically so hungry and I just was wondering if it ever stops

I am someone who primarily has a restrictive eating disorder (although I’ve had some purging historically) and I’m just wondering what binging is exactly? I know there’s objective and subjective binges, but is there a difference between feeling physically very hungry after restricting and a binge?

Please lmk if I should add another TW or block out certain parts

How to deal with this at a “normal” weight? I’m comparing myself to people I know irl who have eating disorders that weigh less than me (>!idk their weight so I’m not sure if they are underweight but it seems to be the case!<). I keep comparing and feeling like I’m so much less severe as a result. They also have different medical issues (>!not to say I have none like I’ve gotten close to blacking out, orthostatic tachycardia but she’s had hormone issues and bad labs!<) but it doesn’t feel like enough. And I’m not currently in any therapy but her treatment team is recommending a HLOC, and I feel like my ED is a joke. And it doesn’t even make sense because my treatment team at the time recommended a HLOC for me last fall but I feel like because >!I’ve gained weight since then (not all of the weight I lost but still!<) that I wouldn’t get the same recommendation now and that makes me less severe. And I feel like I don’t deserve any treatment unless it’s the most severe it could be.

Does anyone else struggling with a restrictive ED get freezing hands and feet even though they’re not underweight? Like I’m a normal weight but nothing I do aside from eating makes my feet warmer even layering them in socks and blankets.

Just something that I’ve thought about recently where I feel like at least for me I tend to get stuck in this all or nothing thinking. >!Like I’ll think that I have to eat specifically Texas Roadhouse rolls or I can eat nothing.!<
Just a friendly reminder that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing even if it’s really hard to see outside of that mindset - it’s something I don’t even really think about often but I feel like it’s definitely worth reflecting on. You can have something to eat even if it’s imperfect and doesn’t >!feel “worth the calories.”!<
Recovery isn’t going to look perfect for most people and so I just wanted to remind you that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing ❤️

I want to stop taking my SSRI after being on it almost 3 years now (I'm 20 but started it at 17). I want to lose the weight that I gained while on it (about 20 Ibs) and I know that's partially motivated by my eating disorder but the meds also aren't really working so I don't see the point in staying on them. I was wondering what kind of effects I should expect?
I know it varies significantly from person to person though. The longest I've gone without taking it in the past was 5 days I think (I waited too long to get a refill) and I didn't feel great (dizziness, nausea, fatigue) but I was wondering if tapering off would give the same effects?

I (20f) hate how I feel when I’m not restricting and I only feel good about myself recently when I am not eating. I get so negative in my thoughts and feel disgusting even though I know that realistically I’m at a healthy weight. I’m only really eating when I have to, like before driving (for safety reasons) or if my family makes dinner or lunch because I don’t want them to find out. I just wish I was back at college so that I could restrict again without anyone noticing and so I can lose weight. And I know it’s not healthy but I don’t really care. I just feel like I’m stuck for the rest of the summer in this weird in between space where I can’t fully give into the behaviors 100% of the time and I have to still eat and act normal about it even though it makes me spiral. It feels like a lie to say I want to get better because I feel like I only want to get worse.

I’m on vacation rn in a warmer place (so bathing suits and stuff) and I’m struggling with eating out so much (for basically every meal). Any tips?

I hate this tug of war in my brain. I’ve been relapsing for about a month and a half now and like so much of me feels like because I’m just a “normal” weight and not underweight and I’m currently restricting again that it’s not valid. And this relapse started with purging but I hated it so so much even though I couldn’t stop for >!6 weeks!<. And it was after any intake, even water at times and it was just so illogical and felt like the opposite of being in control. But now that I’ve restarted it due to some external circumstances (I can’t purge while at home from college) and I’ve forgotten how restriction feels so much better. And I don’t regret stopping purging at all, but I recognize that it didn’t come from a healthy place. But then there’s times where I have to eat around my family so they don’t find out and my mind won’t shut up and I’m trying to find ways to not eat, or everyone else is trying a new ice cream flavor and I am scared to try a teaspoon of it. I know I’m missing out on things because of this, but it feels so inconsequential in comparison to how important losing weight feels. And I feel like it’s not even serious unless I become severely underweight and so I’m scared to tell anyone I know irl about restricting again because I don’t want them to convince me it’s a bad idea and stop me or convince me to get treatment. And I haven’t passed out yet but I’ve gotten close >!(like my vision has gone almost black and I felt faint but it faded after I stood there)!< but I don’t really care? Idk I just needed to get this out.