How am I supposed to do it anymore?
I considered myself “normal“ until around 2021/2022. I had no problem keeping up with high demand jobs. I got married and had friends. I struggled a lot with my first child but overall still held it together. My second child broke me.
she was born in 2019, then my father in law was diagnosed with aggressive cancer, then Covid hit, FIL passed away, then I was forced to leave a team I built from the ground up to move to another department at work. Over an 18 month span most of my world imploded and I haven’t “gotten over it”.
My mental health continued to get worse. I finally started therapy in 2023. I’ve learned a lot about myself since then but still feel like I’m nowhere close to stable. I have always had anxiety and during therapy was diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder.
I’ve still been working and functioning mostly well on medication. it’s enough to keep me upright and able to pretend. Tried multiple things, switching up treatment every 6-12 months. Nothing has made me feel the normal I used to know. I feel like a completely different person in all the worst ways.
My therapist has suggested I seek out an assessment for AuDHD. I’m working with a clinic to get that scheduled asap.
My mental health isn’t the only issue. I’m in horrible physical health too. fast food every day, sweet tooth, and not enough fresh food. I’m in a lot of pain right now with constant headaches and tension related issues in my neck/back.
I feel like I’m falling apart. I KNOW all the things I should be doing like regular exercise, more whole food, better posture, less doom scrolling.… but if it was as easy as just doing that I would have 5 years ago. I sit here with all the knowledge to fix myself but not a damn care to do so. my brain just wont.
I’m losing my capability to mask all of this. I feel like I’m already functioning at 1/3 of what I used to be capable of and still not able to keep up. I desperately just want to bury myself in a hole somewhere so I don’t have to be responsible for anything.
How do I get help? I keep thinking if I could just pause the world for maybe a year I could take the time to work on everything I need to get better. I am the breadwinner in my family so I can’t just quit work. Husbands job isn’t enough and I can’t get money from family. Getting a different job won’t fix how much I hate working with and for other people. I want to start an at home business but getting that off the ground requires energy I don’t have left.
I want to check myself into a mental hospital so I can just focus on getting better. But from what I can tell they are just like normal hospitals. Not interested in diagnosing and fixing, just patching you up enough to pay the bill.
Has anyone had luck with getting short term disability from work for mental health? Those that have to support themselves and others, what the hell do we do?