My wife (45) and I (45) have been in the lifestyle before and have done MFM a few times. Last year we agreed to explore that side again and reconnected with a guy she had real chemistry with. We had some good experiences with it, and that part of our sex life was not the problem.
At the same time, we were dealing with some bigger marriage and life issues outside of sex, including my drinking. Because of that, we stopped the MFM, solo, and lifestyle stuff in the fall. Not because the sex dynamic blew up, but because the rest of our marriage needed attention.
Since then, a lot has changed for the better. I’m now 8 months sober, we’ve turned a lot around, and our marriage is honestly in a much better place overall. The one major thing that still isn’t where it needs to be is sex, and that is a big deal.
We’ve been in a dry spell for about two months. I’ve had some performance issues recently, and I’ve gotten in my head about it. Historically, we have had plenty of good sex without needing lifestyle fuel, so this is not a situation where I’ve never been able to be with my wife one on one. It’s more that lately, after struggling a few times, the pressure and fear of another bad experience have made it harder to get momentum back.
My wife very much wants sex. She wants to feel wanted, desired, and sexually connected, and she has been direct about that. She asked if I would be okay with her getting that from outside sources.
My response was basically that I do want to have sex with her. I want to engage. I want us to get back to that. But the last few times I struggled, it set us back emotionally. I don’t want to keep repeating that same painful cycle where we try, I get in my head, my body doesn’t cooperate, and then both of us feel worse.
I’m working on my side of things. Health, testosterone check, fitness, stress, staying sober, all of that. But I also know our actual erotic dynamic. I desire my wife, and I miss that part of us. Lately, I’ve been getting in my head, and the lifestyle energy seems to cut through that pressure in a way regular “let’s try again” sex has not. Her being desired, flirty, sexual, open, having chemistry with another man, and us being able to talk about it and use that energy together has always been a real turn on for me. That has never felt like replacement to me. It feels like something that can make me want her even more and help me get back into my body with her.
Where I’m trying to get clearer is the “separate” part. I understand that there may be something in it for her that is different than what is in it for me. For her, some of the appeal may be having her own sexual experience, her own chemistry, her own attention, and not having it all revolve around managing my reaction in the room. For me, the appeal is more about what that energy does between us afterward, how it changes the way I see her, how it cuts through the pressure, and how it can bring me back toward her sexually.
So I don’t have an issue with her being with someone else. In fact, I think it could help us sexually if we handle it in a way that stays connected to us, even if the actual sex is separate. I’m trying to understand what has worked best for couples where one partner’s outside experience is real and their own, but it still becomes part of the couple’s erotic life instead of drifting into two separate sex lives.
For other lifestyle, MFM, hotwife, or stag and vixen couples: have you used outside male energy to get your sex life moving again after a rough patch or dry spell? If the outside sex was one on one rather than group, what helped keep it connected to the marriage? Was it talking before, talking after, sharing details, keeping some parts private, reclaiming sex afterward, or something else? What made it feel like fuel for the couple instead of just one person going elsewhere for sex?