u/JViole

I’m just venting honestly, but I finally got the courage to ask my ex for some of my things, only to learn she would be closer to me and for longer than I expected.

I’ve had really mixed feelings since the breakup, especially hearing her reasons and realizing she had no desire to communicate how she was feeling before ending things.

The worst part is that during this reconnection, I’m realizing I may have been a much bigger problem in the relationship than I ever imagined, and I feel so fucking guilty and sick about that.

I tried sharing something I made for her about treatment options because she had told me she found all of it overwhelming, so I thought if I made something thoughtful and sweet, it might at least be helpful if she ever wanted to explore it. Not because she needed to, just because I thought it was a considerate thing to do. She did not take it well, but we still stayed in somewhat consistent contact that night, and I even went to bed with this really strong feeling that I could forgive the breakup and the way it happened. I wanted to prove to her that I could be better, that I would be better, especially with the extra work I’m willing to put in, including reaching out to specialists.

But then the ambiguity, the silence, not knowing why she is quiet, even though it could be for a completely valid reason and I am not upset at her for that, combined with the uncertainty about what our relationship even is, my anxious attachment, knowing she has slept with other people since we broke up, and how thoughtful and honestly romantic that first reconnecting conversation felt... I spiraled for the first time in a long time.

It did not help that it was already a bad day where I was realizing some hard things about myself.

I called her once today and sent three texts, and I feel like an absolute clown.

I am not a bad person. I know I can be better. And a huge part of me just wants one more shot at this because I genuinely believe in what we had and I still believe in her.

I’ve been reflecting on my last relationship and realizing there were moments, especially whenever I tried to bring up issues, where she used manipulation tactics I did not even recognize at the time until I talked them through with other people later. Things like love bombing, DARVO, intermittent reinforcement, selective memory, and gaslighting.

I’m embarrassed to admit that toward the end of the relationship I felt like I could not even keep walking on eggshells anymore. I did not fully stonewall her, but I definitely started avoiding calls and pulling away because I felt like every difficult conversation destroyed my confidence a little more.

I deeply regret pulling away, but at the same time I had just started a new job where confidence was everything, and both my work performance and mental health were starting to deteriorate.

What I keep asking myself now is: what was I actually supposed to do?

I genuinely wanted to support her with everything I had. But whenever I tried to bring up concerns, even clumsily, I felt punished for it or made to feel like my concerns were all in my head.

Early in our relationship she talked about how much therapy and medication had helped her become the person she wanted to be. Toward the end, she had stopped going to therapy and cut her medication dose in half. I even offered to help pay for doctor visits because I knew those things had once helped her feel stable and confident. To be clear, I was never trying to “drug her into being someone else.” I just remembered how positively she spoke about those things when we first got together.

By the end of the relationship, though, it felt like I was not allowed to talk about finances, health, her home life, my work, politics, Affirmations, anything too lovey, anything future oriented, anything task related, dark humor, or really anything that could potentially create tension. I started to feel like a shell of myself.

TLDR: So I guess my question is: what could I have realistically done better? Beyond the obvious mistake of pulling away, how are you supposed to support someone when every attempt to communicate feels like it turns into punishment, defensiveness, or you doubting your own reality?