u/JackToholke

I've been wanting to talk about this for a while. I'm a Christian, and for most of my life I thought struggling with porn meant something was wrong with me. Growing up, nobody really taught me much about sexuality. I was around 15 or 16 when my dad first talked to me about porn, and my mum started talking about it more around then. By that point, I'd already spent years trying to figure out what was happening to my body, what attraction was, what sexuality was, and what it meant to grow from a boy into a man.

The message I mostly heard was simple. Don't watch porn. Stay pure. Save yourself for your wife. Avoid temptation. Bounce your eyes. And I genuinely wanted to do that. I wanted to be a good Christian. So I'd pray, repent, ask God to forgive me, promise I'd never do it again, and then eventually I'd go back. Every time I did, the shame got worse. I felt like I was disobeying God. I felt like I was disobeying my parents. I felt broken. And because nobody talked about it, I genuinely thought I was the only Christian guy struggling with this. On the outside I was the good Christian boy going to church, reading my Bible, memorising Scripture and singing the songs. Inside, I was dealing with shame, confusion and self hatred. It felt like I was living two lives.

It took me years to realise I wasn't broken. I was a boy who hadn't been given much guidance about sexuality, and I was trying to figure it out on my own. I also eventually understood the shame cycle. I'd watch porn, feel ashamed, hate myself, promise I'd never do it again, and then eventually use porn again to numb those feelings. So porn became a way of escaping feelings I didn't know how to deal with. Loneliness. Anger. Shame. Confusion.

I also had to learn that attraction and lust aren't the same thing. Being attracted to women isn't inherently wrong. God created sexuality. The problem is when you stop seeing someone as a person and start objectifying them. For years I prayed that God would take my sexual desire away. Looking back, I'm actually glad He didn't. I needed to learn how to understand my sexuality, not have it removed.

And I think that's something we don't talk about enough in Christianity. We're told what not to do, but sometimes we're not taught how to actually understand what we're experiencing. I'm also part of the first generation to grow up with porn being so accessible, affordable and anonymous. You can struggle with it completely alone and nobody has to know.

So if you're a Christian guy struggling with porn, I just want you to know you're not alone. You're not broken. You might have watched it five minutes ago and feel like you've failed God again. Brother, you're going to be okay.

I've started talking about this more openly on my YouTube channel, including what I've learned from spending years stuck in this cycle and how I'm learning to understand sexuality, shame and becoming a man from a Christian perspective. If this is something you're struggling with, you can find my YouTube channel at Jack Tolk.

I'm a Christian, and for most of my life I thought struggling with porn meant something was wrong with me. Growing up, nobody really taught me much about sexuality. I was around 15 or 16 when my dad first talked to me about porn, and my mum started talking about it more around then. By that point, I'd already spent years trying to figure out what was happening to my body, what attraction was, what sexuality was, and what it meant to grow from a boy into a man.

The message I mostly heard was simple. Don't watch porn. Stay pure. Save yourself for your wife. Avoid temptation. Bounce your eyes. And I genuinely wanted to do that. I wanted to be a good Christian. So I'd pray, repent, ask God to forgive me, promise I'd never do it again, and then eventually I'd go back. Every time I did, the shame got worse. I felt like I was disobeying God. I felt like I was disobeying my parents. I felt broken. And because nobody talked about it, I genuinely thought I was the only Christian guy struggling with this. On the outside I was the good Christian boy going to church, reading my Bible, memorising Scripture and singing the songs. Inside, I was dealing with shame, confusion and self hatred. It felt like I was living two lives.

It took me years to realise I wasn't broken. I was a boy who hadn't been given much guidance about sexuality, and I was trying to figure it out on my own. I also eventually understood the shame cycle. I'd watch porn, feel ashamed, hate myself, promise I'd never do it again, and then eventually use porn again to numb those feelings. So porn became a way of escaping feelings I didn't know how to deal with. Loneliness. Anger. Shame. Confusion.

I also had to learn that attraction and lust aren't the same thing. Being attracted to women isn't inherently wrong. God created sexuality. The problem is when you stop seeing someone as a person and start objectifying them. For years I prayed that God would take my sexual desire away. Looking back, I'm actually glad He didn't. I needed to learn how to understand my sexuality, not have it removed.

And I think that's something we don't talk about enough in Christianity. We're told what not to do, but sometimes we're not taught how to actually understand what we're experiencing. I'm also part of the first generation to grow up with porn being so accessible, affordable and anonymous. You can struggle with it completely alone and nobody has to know.

So if you're a Christian guy struggling with porn, I just want you to know you're not alone. You're not broken. You might have watched it five minutes ago and feel like you've failed God again. Brother, you're going to be okay.

I've started talking about this more openly on my YouTube channel, including what I've learned from spending years stuck in this cycle and how I'm learning to understand sexuality, shame and becoming a man from a Christian perspective. If this is something you're struggling with, you can find my YouTube channel at Jack Tolk

It doesn't work long term. Let me convince you before I share what helped me.

1. Nofap focuses on the wrong thing. It focuses on streaks and numbers, not what is actually keeping you stuck to begin with.

2. It doesn't give you any 'how' to give it up'

3. It doesn't allow for growth. You maybe at day 30 or 70 or 170 but your mind hasn't changed. You're still objectifying women, you're still craving porn like you did on day 1.

4. Even if you no fap for 1000 days and you relapse, in your mind you're still the same as someone on day one.Maybe you experienced growth, maybe you didn't, you can't tell.

5. You never heal the core wound. Porn and masturbation isn't the actual problem here. It's the symptom of the actual problem. If you don't go into WHY you want to watch it, then you're just using willpower which Ultimtely never succeed.

6. No fap is one dimensional. Like I said above, it's shallow.

7. It gives you a false sense on success.

8. When you sign up for nofap you're signing up to fight for the rest of your life.

WHAT TO DO INSTEAD.

You're not back to day 0 when you relapse and your streak you're on right now isn't a thing. It's a false paradigm. I know its easy to count days but that keeps you focused on the wrong thing.

1. See it for what it is. P&M is actually helping you and you don't know it. It's giving you an escape. It's giving you a way out of your uncomfortable and unprocessed emotions.

2. Focus on understanding the root issue. Ask yourself why you want to keep going back.

3. Focus on radical self care which sounds like you've been doing. Working out, doing things you enjoy. Don't beat yourself up

4. “The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.” - Henry Ford.

Your relapse doesn't have to mean you're back to zero if you don't let it.

I spent 3 years on a NoFap streak. I thought that if I could just get enough days behind me, I would finally be free from porn. And honestly I thought it was.

Then I relapsed. The shame, the guilt, the agony. It was unbearable.

And it wasn't just one relapse. I ended up relapsing again and again for over a year. The shame was soooo intense.

Honestly, that period destroyed me. I felt like I had lost everything I had worked for. According to the way I viewed recovery, I was back at day 0.

But looking back now, I realise my biggest mistake: I was focused on the streak, not the transformation.

NoFap helped me stop watching porn, but it didn't teach me why I was turning to porn in the first place. I wasn't dealing with the loneliness, shame, stress, and emotions underneath it. I was just trying harder to resist.

I think that's where NoFap can become a trap. Not because discipline is bad, and not because avoiding porn is bad, but because you can spend years fighting the symptom while ignoring the root.

You can be on day 500 or day 1000 and still have the same struggles internally. You might not be watching porn, but are you actually becoming free? Are you changing how you view women? Are you learning to process emotions? Are you becoming the person you want to be?

When I relapsed, I thought I had gone back to zero. But the year I spent struggling taught me more about myself than the 1000-day streak ever did.

I was forced to confront myself after I confessed to lying to my wife watching porn right up until my wife was 38 weeks pregnant.

I had to stop asking, "How do I get back to my streak?" and start asking, "Why do I keep needing porn?"

That question changed everything.

The goal isn't just to see how long you can avoid porn. The goal is to become the kind of person who no longer needs it as an escape.

My journey through this has also created a passion in me to hold out hope for people who are where I was.

For years I felt trapped, ashamed, and like I was fighting a battle I would never win. I know what it's like to desperately want freedom but not understand why you keep going back.

I'm curious, for those who have done long NoFap streaks, did the streak actually change you, or did you just get better at resisting?

​

I spent 3 years chasing a NoFap streak. I thought that if I could just get enough days behind me, I would finally be free from porn. And honestly I thought it was.

Then I relapsed. The shame, the guilt, the agony. It was unbearable.

And it wasn't just one relapse. I ended up relapsing again and again for over a year. The shame was soooo intense.

Honestly, that period destroyed me. I felt like I had lost everything I had worked for. According to the way I viewed recovery, I was back at day 0.

But looking back now, I realise my biggest mistake: I was focused on the streak, not the transformation.

NoFap helped me stop watching porn, but it didn't teach me why I was turning to porn in the first place. I wasn't dealing with the loneliness, shame, stress, and emotions underneath it. I was just trying harder to resist.

I think that's where NoFap can become a trap. Not because discipline is bad, and not because avoiding porn is bad, but because you can spend years fighting the symptom while ignoring the root.

You can be on day 500 or day 1000 and still have the same struggles internally. You might not be watching porn, but are you actually becoming free? Are you changing how you view women? Are you learning to process emotions? Are you becoming the person you want to be?

When I relapsed, I thought I had gone back to zero. But the year I spent struggling taught me more about myself than the 1000-day streak ever did.

I was forced to confront myself after I confessed to lying to my wife watching porn right up until my wife was 38 weeks pregnant.

I had to stop asking, "How do I get back to my streak?" and start asking, "Why do I keep needing porn?"

That question changed everything.

The goal isn't just to see how long you can avoid porn. The goal is to become the kind of person who no longer needs it as an escape.

My journey through this has also created a passion in me to hold out hope for people who are where I was.

For years I felt trapped, ashamed, and like I was fighting a battle I would never win. I know what it's like to desperately want freedom but not understand why you keep going back.

That's why I've started sharing more of my story and what I've learnt through my YouTube channel. My hope is that other men who feel stuck, ashamed, or hopeless can realise they aren't beyond change and that there is a path forward.

If you're interested, I've been sharing more of this journey over there on my channel: Jack Tolk.

I'm curious, for those who have done long NoFap streaks, did the streak actually change you, or did you just get better at resisting?

I thought I would never be free of porn and masturbation.

I was addicted for a decade during my teens and young adulthood (age 13-25ish) I'm now 3 years clean and I can't even describe the freedom. This has created a passion in me to give people hope and help others break free.

Ok... First things first... You're NOT broken. You are a human being deserving of love and compassion. You're going to get through this. You need to give yourself self compassion. It's easy to want to hate ourselves because we can't stop. We need to practice RADICAL self care. Do something every day that you really enjoy.

Second, your struggle with Lust and porn is not the actual problem. It's a SYMPTOM of a bigger problem. Until I understood that, I failed time and time again. Porn is often the first thing we go to when we want to avoid hard or unprocessed emotions or situations. Its used to numb.

Third, it's important to understand the role of shame in this. I hated myself and my addiction and ended up going back to porn to numb this pain. The antidote to shame is curiosity. Ask yourself why you continually go back. When the urge comes, ask yourself what you were feeling just before. What are you trying to escape.

When an urge comes, imagine it is a wave in the ocean. Don't fight it but also don't give in. Invite the urge in. It's trying to tell you something, trying to tell you that your running from. It's your job to find out what that is. Let the urge come, breath, feel it in your body. It's incredibly uncomfortable but it's important. Within a couple minutes it will subside. You can do this, you are strong.

The goal isn't to just stop, it's to become men who don't need it anymore.

Feel free to DM me if you want to chat. I've also created a YouTube channel for guys just like you. Feel free to have a look. The channel name is Jack Tolk.

You've got this.

For years, I thought freedom from porn was about becoming stronger than temptation. I thought recovery meant more discipline, more willpower, more accountability, and more fighting. So I fought as hard as I could, but every time I got stressed, overwhelmed, lonely, discouraged, or ashamed, I found myself back in the same place. Looking back, I don't remember going more than four days without masturbating for years.

The biggest shift in my recovery came when I realised that porn wasn't the deepest problem. It was a problem, but it wasn't the root problem. Porn was helping me escape things I didn't know how to deal with: stress, shame, loneliness, insecurity, and painful emotions that I had never learned to sit with.

One analogy that helped me understand this was training wheels. When a child learns to ride a bike, the goal isn't to remove the training wheels. The goal is to learn balance. Once balance develops, the training wheels become unnecessary. In the same way, I think porn often functions like emotional training wheels. Many of us don't know how to handle difficult emotions, so we run to something that gives us temporary relief.

What changed for me was that I stopped asking, "How do I stop watching porn?" and started asking, "What is porn doing for me that I haven't learned to do another way?" Instead of immediately fighting an urge or giving into it, I started getting curious. What am I feeling right now? What happened today? What am I trying not to feel?

Sometimes the answer was stress. Sometimes it was loneliness. Sometimes it was shame or exhaustion. The urge itself wasn't always the real issue. Often it was pointing toward a deeper need that I wasn't addressing.

I'm not saying this is the whole answer to recovery, but it was a major turning point for me. Freedom stopped looking like an endless battle against lust and started looking like becoming the kind of man who didn't need porn to cope anymore.

Has anyone else experienced a similar shift in their recovery journey?

P.S. I've been sharing more of my thoughts and recovery journey on YouTube under the name Jack Tolk if this perspective resonates with you.

I know that sounds ridiculous, so hear me out.

If I could go back and never get hooked on porn, I would. It caused a lot of shame, secrecy, self-hatred, and damage in my relationships.

For years, I thought my biggest problem was that I couldn't stop watching porn.

I thought that if I could just quit, life would finally be good. So I tried harder. I used willpower. I prayed more. I made promises to myself. I white-knuckled it for years.

But eventually I realized something:

Porn wasn't my deepest problem.

It was the way I coped with my deeper problems.

I went into recovery thinking I needed freedom from porn. Instead, recovery taught me things I probably wouldn't have learned otherwise:

How to understand my emotions.

That it's possible to feel multiple emotions at the same time.

How to sit with difficult emotions instead of numbing them.

The difference between shame and responsibility.

How to take ownership of my life instead of blaming circumstances.

The difference between attraction and lust.

How to relate to women in a healthier way.

How much hiding and dishonesty had become part of my life.

How little I actually understood myself.

One thing that still blows my mind is that I genuinely thought you could only feel one emotion at a time. It wasn't until therapy that I learned emotions can overlap and coexist. That realization alone changed the way I viewed myself and my recovery.

Looking back, I don't think porn addiction literally "saved" me.

But I do think it exposed parts of my life that desperately needed healing.

Without that struggle, I might have gone years—or even decades—without addressing the shame, emotional avoidance, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and lack of self-awareness that were underneath it all.

In that sense, the struggle became the doorway to growth.

I'm curious:

Have any of you had an experience where the thing you thought was destroying your life ended up exposing a deeper issue that needed attention?

Or do you think saying something like "porn addiction saved my life" is giving addiction too much credit?

P.S. I have these kinds of conversations regularly on my YouTube channel, Jack Tolk, where I talk about porn recovery, emotional health, shame, healing, and becoming a healthier man. If this post resonated with you, feel free to check it out and join the conversation.

For years, I thought attraction and lust were basically the same thing.

Growing up in conservative Christian circles, the message I absorbed was something like:

"Don't look." "Bounce your eyes." "Don't notice." "Don't feel."

So whenever I saw an attractive woman, I felt guilty almost immediately. Attraction became shame. Shame became hypervigilance. And I started monitoring every thought, feeling, and glance.

Looking back, I think I only knew two options:

Avoid attraction.

Give in to lust.

I never learned a third option.

Over time, I started questioning whether attraction and lust were actually the same thing.

Attraction seems to be a natural human response. It's noticing beauty. It's acknowledging reality.

Lust is something different. Lust objectifies. It consumes. It reduces a person to a body or a fantasy.

When I confused attraction with lust, I spent years fighting my own humanity. I thought freedom meant never noticing women. But all it did was make me more fearful, more ashamed, and more obsessed.

One thing that really challenged me was places like beaches and pools. I wasn't used to environments where women wore bikinis. My framework was either stare or don't look at all.

But eventually I realized those weren't the only options.

I could acknowledge attraction without feeding it.

I could appreciate beauty without consuming it.

I could see women as people rather than either temptations to manage or bodies to avoid.

The biggest shift wasn't learning how to suppress attraction.

It was learning how to experience attraction without shame and respond with integrity.

Curious if anyone else has wrestled with this distinction between attraction and lust, and whether learning the difference changed anything for you.

If you're interested in these kinds of conversations, I talk more about them on YouTube: Jack Toholke